I'm the sole caregiver for my 83-year old mom (my brother passed in 2003 and my dad passed in 1999). I have found more patience in myself than I ever thought I had. I lost that patience last week while visiting. I believe she has dementia, she has no short-term memory, does not want outside help, refuses to go to a doctor. In July I visited her to take her car away (she lives 3 hours away by plane). I know I'm dealing with a 3 year old, but I still let her break me down last week. She has awesome neighbors who take her to the store anytime she wants but she still wanted a scooter to get to the store in case she forgets something. She and I argued about it and I had had enough so I took her to get a scooter, resigning myself that she will kill herself on it. I'm mad at myself for losing my patience, for giving in, for helping her buy the scooter, for not getting over it before I flew back home.... Every time I want to scream or cry, I can't because I have to be strong and be the adult in this relationship. Today the tears are starting and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop them.
I suggest that you work very hard on getting Mom evaluated (on any pretext you can dream up) so that you have a better idea of what you are dealing with. You need to look ahead and make plans. If it is dementia, having her sole caregiver 3 hours away by plane is not going to be adequate in the long run.
It was my husband's caseworker who suggested he get a scooter, a few years after his dementia diagnosis. Yikes! That didn't seem right to me, but it turned out to be wonderful. It gave him back a bit of his sense of independence and allowed him to do some things on his own. A scooter isn't necessarily out of the question for people with dementia. BUT I was my husband's 24/7 caregiver. I checked that he was dressed appropriately for the weather and that he had his JitterBug cell phone in his pocket and that it was turned on. We went through a practice run with the cell phone before every outing. I knew where he was going and how long it should take him. I called him if he were late. I was available to go get him the time his scooter ran out of charge at the barber shop.
You are right that making decisions just to shut Mom up is not ideal. In my mind the real issue here is how much supervision does Mom really need, and as that increases, how is it going to be provided.
Do you have any other resources for venting, like a good friend, a support group, a therapist, or something else? I am fortunate to have 2 good friends I can vent to, one of whom lost her own parent and had useless siblings (like I have), but even then we sometimes need more help. How are you feeling today?
so there you have it dlf. be kind to your mom shes effin nuts.