"You are doing nothing!"
As I read the comments I keep noticing a common theme of the caregiver being accused by the person they care for of "you don't do anything for me" .Now sometimes this complaint is by itself or sometimes is also combined with the following of "If ------- was here he/she would take better care of me." The aforementioned unnamed sibling/child that never helps being the person named. I have also noticed that no matter if the caree is of sound mind or not these comments are still made.I know that there are psychological /medical explanations for these statements.I was just curious as to the extent that caregivers had experienced these comments.I would like to hear from anyone that is a caregiver that despite doing everything you could be reasonably expected to do,everyone's circumstances are different,that you are still told that "you don't do anything for me!."Please share your stories.
My mother sometimes comments how I don't do anything for her, though I do everything for her except breathing and watching TV. It used to irritate me, but now I just pass it off as anger over her situation. This morning my mother is watching the Christian Broadcast Network. I guess she is preparing to enter the Kingdom. Then I realized my parents spent the last 20 years of their lives waiting to die. Instead of wanting to live, they were waiting to die. I've spent the last four years of my life waiting with them -- first both of my parents, now just my mother.
Animals can teach us much about waiting to die. I have an old handicapped rabbit scooting about his room right now. Some people think I should put him down, because he doesn't have a good quality life in their opinion. The thing is that he wants to live. I have been guilty of being in the mindset of waiting for him to die. I wondered why humans seem to be pulled that way -- spending huge portions of life waiting to die, instead of wanting to live. Many old people pull in a caregiving child in their long wait to die and put the task of living onto the caregiver. We really need to work on that mentality that older people can fall into. It is a huge loss of their own life and a huge burden on people around them. My parents lost 20 years of their lives waiting to die. We can't get them back now.
Maybe we are seen as not doing anything for them because they are waiting to die. All we are doing is waiting to die with them. That isn't really accomplishing anything other than enabling them in their long, long wait. My mother is still watching her religious shows as the world goes by outside. She may live one more day or one more decade with me doing all her living for her. But it doesn't accomplish anything, so really I'm not doing anything for her except waiting.
My mother is different, she was never as joyfilled as he. I cannot spark happiness in her the way I could for him. I think it is sad that she is not joyful. Having witnessed both I know happiness is like a wick inside each of us. External catalysts can spark it, but the wick must be healthy to create a bright flame.
Lets learn from what we see and try to stay joyful
My mother may scream over and over for us to do something we can't do (such as give her water before a medical test), but she has never claimed we do nothing, she is generally thankful for what she has (when she is cogent enough to know that) and while she recognizes her children are each unique she does not show overt favoritism.
So I have been lucky in that regard (if anyone can be considered "lucky" which loved ones who have dementia.
I just want to offer heart-felt hugs and warm feelings to all of you who must bear this additional burden.