My mom keeps wanting to go visit my sister but she lives 5 hours away, is it mean of me to think that my sister and brother should just visit their mother? I sent an email to my brother and sister and have told them before that traveling isn't going to happen much. They are just so "busy" Then my brother that lives 10 minutes away just texts me daily wanting to know when the new homecare service will start. He wants that so he can just have his own time and not be bothered. I just dont understand how they act this way we were raised by the same parents but I am the baby and did spend more time with my parents when they were older. I have been caring for my mom for many years not really even sure how long she has had dementia she has had brain injury since she was 16 which causes seizures and the meds have caused this condition. This site has really helped me deal with my stress but I have been thinking for weeks now about leaving my job to help dealing with my mom easier plus other reasons since I have such a stressful job. So in three weeks I will be away from working my crazy nighttime hours. Told them I can't keep my sanity when my mom is at home alone because my brother leaves her so Im just sitting at work thinking and worrying about her. My brother stops by for a few minutes but every night some sport event is more important than his mother.
Unfortunately, you're not going to change your sibilings' attitude at this late date; we are experiencing the same thing with my husband's brother who lives far away, but doesn't seem to want to step up to the plate much -- so we are caring for Mom who is living with us now. However, what you can do, and we have done this, is to sit down with the siblings and have a frank discussion (without a lot of drama, emotion if that's possible) and tell them you need definite time off; make out a schedule that suits both of you with definite respite care time for you. Tell your brother that he needs to be there during that time. Having open family discussions like this and with a definite plan for your respite in mind often helps. It at least allows you to vent in a constructive way and plan for some time for him to be there to take responsibility. If you don't get away and get some time for yourself especially if you are the main caregiver, and insist upon it, it will be harmful for everyone involved including your mom. I think you should defintely have a family discussion and line out a plan with your brother for him to be there when you are not. Hope this helps. I feel your pain.
Can your mom go to senior daycare? Can you hire someone to come in for a few hours while you're at work to sit with her? Please realize that once you quit your job and stay home with her, you are stuck unless you want to spend 24/7 with her. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. No sibling is worth that. Keep repeating this...I cannot control my siblings, I cannot make them want to help, I cannot make them care. Then when you get one of those moments full of frustration and anger, just repeat it again.
I am that Lovely Middle Sister--Right, MARY?!?! I balance everything out.
They don't want to work? OK, I will do it. I "ruin everything" for telling them they are selfish to not offer any help? OK. Yes, I am the bad guy. What--EVERRRR.
Now I'm over it, and hope you get there, too. It's too exhausting. Hugs, xo
Its the hardest job in the world.
If your unsure... don't leave your life behind. Wait until you are sure. As for sibs... they each have to deal with their decisions on what their relationship with mom will be. I couldn't rely on my sibs and at times it was frustrating and hurtful to both my Mom and myself.
But we got through it all together. I was often exhausted beyond belief. I couldn't make my sibs visit or call. But sometimes, I'd call them and hand the phone to Mom so she could talk to them because she needed to connect with her kids.
Through the years of care, I became my Mom's subject matter expert (SME), best friend, and psuedo parent. You will too. Love her every day. Spoil her. Make every day the best it can be for both you and your Mom, regardless of what siblings say.
I feel like I'm becoming stronger , less resentful . So hang in there , and start planning that time away.