In an outburst this past weekend my mom screamed at us, "I don't care WHAT you think, I will NEVER go into a nursing home!"
She's quite secretive about the status of her health, but based on this outburst I take it that her COPD is progressing. And it got me thinking about what the future may hold when her lungs really start to fall apart.
I have absolutely no idea how we're going to manage her care. Mom had me late in life. She's 85, but I just turned 40. I've got a toddler at home. A fairly new mortgage. A full time job I can't afford to walk away from. A husband. A life. And it's all 2 hours away from her.
How am I going to be in two places at once when the time comes (out with her and home with my child)? Yes, I have an obligation to her care. But I also have an obligation to taking care of my child. I feel like I need to choose one or the other.
So I started thinking about moving her out to be with us....
Our house layout is not designed for a sick person. For starters, you've gotta climb 20 stairs to get to our front door. A wheel chair would never fit through the bathroom doorway. We have a 5 room home: kitchen, sunken living room (3 steps down to the living room), 2 bedrooms. That's it.
And the only people out near us, is us. The rest of mom's friends and family are back where she lives - which is why she refused to move out to live with us when we started house shopping.
I can't afford to hire a caregiver for her. She won't sell her house and has no money of her own for hiring help.
Disaster.
My heart goes out to you. Your obligation to your mother is to see that she is well cared for, is clean, well-fed, and safe. In my philosophy you have no obligation to personally provide that care. It doesn't sound like it would be feasible to bring your mother to live with you, for all the logistic reasons you mentioned, and for emotional and psychological reasons you probably haven't thought about yet.
So that leaves either getting care for her in her house (which may be feasible for a while at least) or for arranging care for her in some type of care center. Either way you will be honoring your mother.
It is also not your obligation to pay for her care. Your responsibility is to raising your child, providing for future education, and then providing for your own old age. For most people, that is plenty!
If your mother has assets, this is the time to use them for her own care. If she has little besides her home and perhaps a car, she is probably eligible for Medicaid. Start looking into that sooner rather than later. There is a program within Medicaid (Elderly Waiver) that pays for things that will help the person stay in their own home. This is seldom 24/7 care, because once the expense starts to match what a nursing home would cost, then by policy nursing home care is covered instead. Elderly Waiver even pays for some modifications to a house, such as grab bars, wheel chair ramps, etc.
In other words, it is your mother's attitude that is the biggest factor in the potential disaster. I have no magic wand to fix that! But at least know that you can start the ball rolling at least on the financial side.
Good luck!
Your Mom is scared and striking out at the only person she can hurt - YOU! When MIL went that route, I just told her it was her decision. She is an adult and if she doesn't need us that is fine. I did call her doctor and let her know of the outburst. The doctor sent a home health care agency for an evaluation and we went from there getting her into assisted living.
Don't think about the whole future, just yet. If your parent is still somewhat functional at home, can still cook and do dishes - one of the last summers my Mom was home, we paid a neighbor a little to just peek in the fridge and make sure there was food... and I paid for them to clean house as a 'treat' to my Mom. After a while I think she was on to me, but I was comforted knowing that someone was checking in - in person. And I called the neighbor often to see how it was going. She would take her sister to my Mom's and they would play cards as a cover for the house cleaning too.
Be creative and take advantage of the things your Mom loves. If she has friends at church or the senior center, involve them. You'll be very surprised at how much they know about your Mom's health and are relieved when you ask. Most of the folks in your Mom's generation still have a small town attitude and will help you.
Your journey is starting - and you are stronger than you ever dreamed. Your baby is lucky to have a Mom like you, who cares for her Mom too. you are a great example!