My wife just wants to die. I need some ears.
Hello; First time poster here.
Wife 53 YO Bi Polar had stroke 2012 (fairly severe) has had open heart surgery (Mitral Valve Repl) chronic pain sufferer from Osteo Arthritis and old spinal injuries and now from the stroke. Incontinent. Has been in and out of 3 rehabs and more Hospital and ER visits (mostly from falls.) Every time they release her from these rehabs she does fine for a few weeks walks with her walker uses the bathroom wears regular under wear, has no incontinence,and eats well etc.Then for some unknown reason she backslides into worse shape than before the rehab. Has home Health Rehab folks come by (to not much avail) someone to come bathe her etc. No other in home help is available as I write this. I am the sole care giver. I'm disabled (but mobile) from my own stroke 2 yrs ago. I'm 67.She can't get Medicaid because they say our combined income is too high. The task of caring for her is simply too much for me to handle physically. I told them that at the last rehab and they discharged her anyway. She refused to appeal the discharge "I wanna come home" I told her that I could not take care of her as I've been as it's just too much. I don't like admitting that but it's true and I'm suffering the consequences as I write this; it's literally killing me. I can't stop her from falling even when I use a support belt (she weighs more than I do) and if she does fall I can't pick her up. I have to call EMS. She fell on top of me awhile ago and I got injured too. This falling is dangerous. She tries to walk unassisted and falls. There is no help available from relatives; friends; etc. Had a roomate/caregiver for a time but she bailed..Her condition has declined to the point of her being bed and wheelchair bound. I have three agencies trying to place her in NH but we can't find any that will take her. (No beds; No medicaid; low SS income). I'm at wits end with it all. Now her condition is declining further and after her last fall she just keeps telling all involved "I just want to die" when we do discuss the subject and I ask her what happens after the rehabs she says she needs more encouragement form me. We had been separated for years; when I had my stroke she lived with me (rent free of course). And took care of me. She does need encouragement; but I find it difficult if not impossible to provide much in the way of "happy, Happy" when faced with the 24/7 job I must do; and it IS a job. Worst job in the world; especially if you're disabled.
As I stated she keeps saying she just wants to die; she smokes 2 packs of cigs a day hoping she'll have a heart attack; keeps asking me how she can kill herself.......Takes meds for the Bi Polar but it rears it's ugly head regularly and I get verbally abused in the offing. She's also on opoids; but if she takes enough to eliminate the pain she "zombies out". My point in this whole rant is that I feel guilty for agreeing with her not wanting to live; I haven't voiced that sentiment to her but I wouldn't want to live that way either; so what the hell do I do? If she feels that way way strongly enough for long enough she probably will die from one cause or another. I just do the best I can with what I have and watch and wait and hope that I can find a facility where her full time care will be provided and she'll be comfortable. Thanks everyone for letting me vent here. Hope I' in the right place for this post.
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Your last post was 5 days ago so I hope you see this. Not that I have any vital information, I just want to welcome you to this site. I'm so glad you found us.
My mom was much older than your wife when she went through something similar. She wanted to die. She had been sick but the cancer was removed, she needed no chemo or radiation. She did well in rehab. She came home, went to bed, and died soon after because she never got out of bed. The only way I could get her into the hospital was one night, after she fell and my dad called me to come pick her up, I pretended that I couldn't get her up. We called 911 and because she was a little loopy from pain meds they took her to the ER. While in the ER I asked to speak to the nurse alone. When we met out in the hall I told her my parents' situation. That dad couldn't care for mom, that mom won't get out of bed, and that I needed her to be admitted for evaluation. I called it a "domestic situation". They admitted her.
I'm so sorry that your concerns about bringing your wife home were not heard. You may have to make a little more noise. Upon discharge from the hospital my elderly father was asked, among other things, "Do you feel safe at home?" There's a screening process in place upon discharge and I think if you squawk loud enough about having difficulty taking care of your wife your concerns will be heard.
Again, welcome to our little corner of the internet. I'm glad you're here and look forward to hearing more about you and how you're coping.
Good Luck
Stick it out with your baby she is just going through something!
Your wife may enjoy a better quality of life in a N/H and decide that life is worth living but it will be a struggle to get her there and you may have to take actions you would never consider in "normal" circumstances. So do whatever has to be done while you still can. I hear the train coming so get yourselves off the track, pull up your big boy pants and get to work. Involve your wife, you are both in this together caring for each other so one does not demand more than the other can give. Present a united front you are part of a team now whether or not you still feel united in marriage. If you refuse to take her home she has to agree before you have another stroke and both of you need placement. She needs to be part of the solution not the problem. Your question to your wife needs to be "If you stay home how are you going to care for yourself?"
Talk to your local Area Council on Aging. Also talk to someone at a NH that she might go to. They can explain things and tell you how others have worked out such problems.
He is also taking Pristique - a wonderful anti-depressant. It comes in 50mg and 100mg. New and expensive but the manufacturer will assist with cost.
Do stroke victims have an organization like American Heart Association or National Breast Cancer Org? Might be worth a Google for any assistance available to you and your wife. Good luck and remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. Hang in there and visit this site often, I'm a newbie here also trying to navigate my way to being a better caregiver and daughter.
Venting is very necessary.....like a steam kettle.....you don't want to explode. Reading other posts here will show you that you are not alone, and that helps a lot. There are always ears here to listen. This place has been a Godsend to me personally. Good luck and God bless you both.