My parents and I are separated by 150 miles. When the time came for them to downsize 12 years ago, they moved further away from all of us. Their little community is a great one. Dad is now in a care home and Mom in an independent living apartment. So far in the past two months, I have missed two weeks of work to be with my mom. She had a complete hysterectomy the first time. And the second week was because fluid accumulated (a seroma) in close proximity to the surgical incision. I struggle with trying to understand exactly how Mom is doing to help her know which way to turn and who to call - her doctor, the tax man, a friend, her pastor, or me. We talk often. If we go more than two days without talking, I get nervous. Until she moved into her independent living apartment, I was a wreck. I think she was, too. She is 80 and in good condition mentally. I can't get an accurate read on her physical condition. We seem to go from one crisis to the next. Believe me, the friends in her community are as helpful as they can be. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if Mom wasn't surrounded by such caring people.
My one remaining brother (there used to be five of us & now there are two) lives nine hours from our parents, so I'm working to accept that I am there "go to" person. I work part-time, am married to a very understanding husband, have a 19 year old daughter who is a junior in college, and find myself wishing I could have my life back.
I went from helping my oldest sister through her battle with cancer to helping the folks. Things are mostly stable right now. Knowing that another crisis will come is creating some excess anxiety. I feel ashamed for complaining. I try so hard to be patient and kind because, having lost two sisters and one brother, I know that when my parents pass away I will miss them horribly.
Tonight I'm just tired...
Good Luck,
Anksana
Dad is a narsasist to the fullest extent .
The 1st 2.75 yrs I would drive 5.5 hrs one way every other week to cover weekends and do all his bill's shopping and other arrends then drive 5.5 hrs home to work a70 hr week in construction. I know well how hard the commuting is and i was darn lucky to have an employer who would give me 2 extra days each time(so i had 4 days off). I finally got a Geriatric Caremanager- and a live in Caregiver(god bless her i don't know how she does it)we now use an agency for her time off weekends and I go down every 4-6 weeks to STILL do all his shopping-he refuses to let the caregiver do it,He won't let her drive his car(that was a 2 yr fight to get his lisc. taken)without him in it(yet she's go a legal state lisc.and she's not a kid.)
Get yourself a geriatric care manager to keep an eye on your parents and update you. Do you have Med and financial POA in case? and because of the HIPPA laws please have your parents Sign for permission for YOU(and brothers) to be able to discuss and check her medical info. Hospt, nursing home,Dr,Medicare etc..
Fyi my brother lives 1 hr away and is scarce when something needs to be done ,but is the apple of Dad's eye- my Mom passed 24yrs ago.
A Bittersweet Season by Jane Gross
Also Bitter Pill --a soon to be released article in Time Magazine.
Good luck and keep your guilt in check. It's a daily struggle for me.