I don't know what I'd do without this forum. I've read numerous posts here about caregiver burnout and though I can appreciate the suggestion to bring in help, there's one factor... MONEY.
I currently have someone come in overnight four nights a week, and that costs $2,800 a month, and sadly... It's STILL not enough for me. Maybe I'm just not cut out to provide care.
I'm starting to really hate my father, and that's not good. I lost my job, my house foreclosed, and I've decided NOT to start the family my BF and I were planning on starting next year because there is NO way I could endure a pregnancy and caring for my Dad.
Due to my Dad's repeated bad behavior when I was a kid, I had to take care of him (and the many wives he beat), and now as an adult, I feel tethered to him. He won't remotely try to meet me halfway. It has to be HIS way or there's hell to pay, and I'm just sick of it all.
The thing is, I've only been at this caregiving thing for less than a year.
I've gained 25 pounds (when before this happened I worked out religiously),
I keep trying to release the BF (It's not BF's fault my Dad is old, sick and cranky. He needs to find someone with younger parents that can give him the kids he wants and deserves)
I'm COMPLETELY MISERABLE!!!! And so is Dad.
If I put him back in an Independent / Assisted Living facility, it would mean letting his in home care nurse go. The first time we tried it, he went to Adult Day Care, lived in Assisted Living, AND had a nurse to spend the night with him while at the facility... ONE WORD... EXPENSIVE
It's obvious that there is no "middle ground"... Especially for him. Either he's happy and I'm MISERABLE or I'm happy (and insanely guilty) and he's throwing tantrums.
I'm exhausted. It's a bad thing to say, but I seriously DETEST care giving. My life is over.
You can do it. It's time.
I think this pretty much sums it up:
"I just want to live up to everyone's expectations and feel like throwing him away would be the ultimate let down for everyone. I was taught "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION"
Unfortunately, he's really brainwashed you.
Who would you be letting down if you stood your ground and created a life for yourself. And why would you consider some action as "throwing him away"?
The need to please is something he can exploit, but it has nothing to do with failure. It has to do with manipulation and insult, creating an environment that makes you feel you "need to please" him. And you never will, because he'll always find fault to keep you subordinate and under his thumb.
Tiny, this has been going on since childhood; your last post reads like something from a Charles Dickens novel. Child slavery existed then but it's not acceptable now.
It's time for you to reclaim your own life; the question is whether you can get the necessary psychological help to counter the years of emotional manipulation. That's the really critical part. And getting him in a facility, or making enough care arrangements that you can find a place of your own and move out is a major step as well.
But the first biggest step is WANTING to restructure your life. If that step can't be taken, this scenario is going to be played out until your father dies or you end up with so many health problems you need someone to take care of you.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I think it's necessary under these circumstances.
Dad abandoned his other 11 living children and was a pretty awful man to his 7 ex wives. He's been legally blind since before I was born, and after my mom died at the age of 6, he played the "you're all I have" card and pretty much PROGRAMMED me to be that way. Until he remarried when I was 10, I read for him, cleaned after him, cooked for him... was forbidden to do afterschool activities / play outside, etc. to take care of him... so yes, I HAD to.
Dad was only in AL for three months. My initial thoughts were to put him somewhere safe where he had people around, but he doesn't want to be IN THE ROOM alone, so I ended up hiring an overnight nurse to spend the night with him... in the AL (overkill, I know).
...I have overnight help 4 nights a week which totals 700 per week which added to Adult Daycare and living expenses for dad is still quite expensive...
...and I can't afford therapy (lost my job due to caregiving). I know my biggest issue is saying NO and giving in to his tantrums. I feel AWFUL when I tell him no and he melts down, or calls one of his ex wives to tell her how badly I'm treating him. I just want to live up to everyone's expectations and feel like throwing him away would be the ultimate let down for everyone. I was taught "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION"
I'm not avoiding the family life. I WANT it, but can't see how to do it with all of the demands (some of which I'm placing on myself) of caregiving.
Rock and a hard place... I guess
"Taking care pf someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver.
Talk with someone about your options. Other people can do the hands-on work. If the patient is financially able, set up a plan for professional care. If not, talk with the county social worker to find out about alternatives."
In most of the book this therapist is talking about how to be a caregiver, but in the two paragraphs above is is very clear about when someone should NOT be a hands-on caregiver.
I think you've asked at least one similar question here before. And I think you got the same kind of responses, perhaps a little more gently the first time.
If you want to sacrifice your life for this abusive part of your past, that is your decision. But please acknowledge that it is YOUR decision. It is not something your father can make you do, or that the world expects of you. If you give up the chance at a long-term committed relationship and the possibility of raising children of your own, well, that is YOU giving them up.
After a lifetime in a very dysfunctional family, it may be very difficult to break free. That is were getting some counseling comes in. Father isn't going to change. Are you willing to?
Some big questions are why are you there with your father when he doesn't really need you, and why would you give up your future for him when he doesn't really need you or appreciate you. Those are two big questions. If you were a senior citizen yourself, it would be one thing. But you're not, so it is something else entirely. Do you think it could be avoidance?
"Due to my Dad's repeated bad behavior when I was a kid, I had to take care of him (and the many wives he beat), and now as an adult,..."
Why did you HAVE to take care of him and his "many wives"? And how many wives are you talking about?
"I feel tethered to him. He won't remotely try to meet me halfway. It has to be HIS way or there's hell to pay, and I'm just sick of it all."
And there you have it. He won't compromise; you either do so and end up miserable. And whether you realize it or not, you're enabling him.
Given that you've taken care of him all his lifetime, wouldn't it be time to halt this situation and make some changes? I.e., if he doesn't have Medicaid, apply for it and get him into a facility someplace on a Medicaid pending status.
Then move on and create a life of your own.
"If I put him back in an Independent / Assisted Living facility, it would mean letting his in home care nurse go."
She'll find another position; working life is full of uncertainties. We all have to face changing jobs at one time or another. Give her adequate notice and good references.
"AND had a nurse to spend the night with him while at the facility... "
Um, why?
To give up the chance of a relationship and children?? Not worth it. He has lived his life, mainly thanks to you. It is your turn. Go live your life.
Maggie gives spot on advice....when his money runs out, get him on Medicaid.
Why do you have help coming in at night? If dad isn't asleep, call his doc and GET him asleep. Seems like you'd do much better with help during the DAY.
But really? You sound at the end of your rope. I've said this before here, but I'll say it again. Slavery was outlawed in the U.S. a few hundred years ago.
You are caring for your father because you apparently WANT to. I can't imagine caring for someone if I were carrying the burden YOU HAVE CHOSEN to embrace. Really??? No children? Send your boyfriend away?
Pardon me for the assumption, but is your inheritance worth the sacrifices you're making? When you answer that question, you'll have the answer to your dilemma.