I have only lived with mom for six months and I am already regretting my decision to do this. I have two sisters; one that lives in NY so she has a built in excuse, the other is local but does not help at all. She will visit mom for an hour or so most Fridays (I work full time during the day) but when I asked if she could change the visit time last week to Thursday night so I could attend a friend’s birthday party (it would be the first time I have done anything other than work and go home), she told me it was a work night for her and she was allergic to the smoke in the house. So, my sisters are no help-emotionally or financially.
In fact when I couldn’t manage to move to mom’s overnight (which people actually expected me to do so “she wouldn’t be alone”) I called my NY sister who was staying with mom thru the funeral and asked if she could delay her trip home for one week while I moved. Her reply was she hadn’t planned that and she didn’t have the right shoes... so she went home. No one offered to help me move or even asked how I felt, all I heard was they were so glad that they didn’t have to worry about mom anymore.
When I moved in my local sister had canceled my mom’s newspaper. Her and her husband had decided that mom couldn’t afford it. Mom said she was crushed, that she loved the paper so my son paid for her to get it back. I have fought for everything that meant something to mom. My sisters are all about the money, and have told both mom and me that if she runs out of money she will have to go into a state run facility or be homeless. They wouldn’t help financially. So although I have less money than the other two, I pay rent, I pay for anything that is just mine or my dogs and I pay half of everything else. I have less money now than I had when I lived on my own because I thought Mom needed me to do that so she wouldn’t see her money decline fast and it worry her. I took on the fight for mom and in the meantime I became the villain in the family. That was fine because I felt mom needed a person to fight for her.
Now I realize that Mom is not who I want her to be. She left me and my sisters when I was three years old. I never held that against her because I don’t know the whole story and we all have regrets so in my mind my mom was a wonderful person that truly loved me. What I heard this past Friday night made me realize that my family is toxic, all of them. How could I have allowed myself not to see that and make this move where now I am truly miserable?
Last Friday night I overheard a phone conversation my mom had with my local sister. I was shocked to hear mom tell out and out lies on me. She said things like I leave her alone all the time, that it’s all about me and what I want-that one almost sent me into a heart attack. It’s all been about mom, all of it, I have given everything I have (literally I had to give or throw away all my possession because I was told anything I brought with me had to be stored in my bedroom )and done everything I know to do and to hear that, I just really couldn’t handle it. My heart broke.
After she hung up I went upstairs with my knees just shaking and I confronted her. She called me paranoid and told me that her or my sisters haven’t done a thing to me, it’s all in my head. I felt so crushed. So I told her it’s not paranoid when you hear it and I repeated back to her some of the things I heard. She immediately said things like “I wish I could just die” and “this is going to kill me ”. Finally, I told her that it was fine, that I was ok, that it doesn’t matter…but it does. There is no talking to her because she acts like her “nerves” are shot and will reach for the anxiety medicine if I confront anything. She actually told me one night when I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet that if I didn’t go to McDonalds and get her what she wanted that she would tell my sisters. She said it kidding, but now I’m not sure she doesn’t tell them all kinds of lies. I believe now she has played us against each other, that she loves drama and she has always had my pop to complain about, and now I think I have taken his place and I will continue to be criticized no matter what I do.
I feel like I have no family, like I’m the villain and I am the one that is giving up everything. I don’t understand how this has happened to me. I have never done anything with less selfish motives; I have never given my life over to anyone the way I have to her. I wait on her hand and foot and don’t mind. I clean up her bowel movements all over the place and never complain. I rush home from work and cook dinner and do dishes and do everything else all the while trying to keep her company. I’m doing all I can do.
If I move out I m not sure what will happen to Mom. She can’t live alone, she’s sick too much and she has never had to take care of herself and I don’t think she can. I really hate my life and I don’t see it changing if I stay. I am venting…..
I have been going through many of the emotions you feel for 3.5 years. I've learned how to deal with most of them, but the lack of respect has been damaging to the self esteem.
If you are very unhappy, you may want to look around for other arrangements for your mother. There are many ways to take care of her without sacrificing your happiness. You don't owe anyone your happiness. I don't know why your mother left when you were three and didn't take you, but I assume it was because she was very unhappy with something in her life. She should understand if you also need to leave.
Our parents often lie to others about us. I have come to expect it and just let it roll off of me. I don't even confront my mother when I hear it. It is just an attempt to get some attention and sympathy at my expense. She doesn't do it as much now as she used to, so maybe she is getting more accustomed to my face.
Let us know what you decide to do. You have given up so much to come home and, like many of us, your sacrifices are going unappreciated. Sometimes we get lip service from people about what wonderful children we are and blah, blah, blah. Personally I wish people would do things that had more substance than telling us how wonderful we are.
its been 16 yrs (8 of which ive been a full-time caregiver) and I know I CAN'T :-) LOL W
If people cannot value what you are doing, and of course they do, but will not admit it to you. then say enough!
You will go batty otherwise.
The world is full of selfish people, and they all get to be a relative of someone.......
I was the caregiver. My mom did all those things... talked about me, was nasty to me, when she was jazzed to see my brother once a year! Quit my job, didn't get a new one, was her care giver 24/7... when she passed away, my brother said wasn't it nice that she was never sick (after I took her to the hospital and was her advocate, sat with her the whole time.... many times the last few years).
It will become like the twilight zone. The best advice I've gotten here...
Tell her you love her every day and hug her if you can. No matter what, one day she will be gone.
Try to remain kind.
Most importantly, take care of you own health and your life. Decide what your goals are and set expectations with her and with siblings. (they will re-write history after she is gone... mine did... it is easy for absent people to forget, or to manipulate things in their heads ... while you give, give, give money, time, love... they will later minimize it).
So, set expectations early. Take an inventory. Keep records.
Take good care of yourself. Unlike children, our parents do not grow up and become independent. They grow older and become more dependent. Be very, very careful of this path. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.
As for who your family is... someone said here that she has no family. As ugly as my family can get.. I have a family and I choose to recognize them and work with them through these difficult times. That's what family is... at times loving, often challenging, sometimes shockingly ugly and confusing. Do your best to be the voice of reason, but never think that things will work out for the best, unless you are part of the logical, clear thinking, clear communicator, WITH documentation and records.
I worked on my mom's estate for 8 years before she passed away. It has been distributed equally among all siblings. Far more work was done by me than by the others. I am learning to be happy that there was something to distribute. I am happy that I did everything I could for my mom, even though she could be brutal to me... particularly when she was afraid. She acted so self assured, but she was afraid... and although she was nasty to me, and it hurt me a lot, I had to keep telling myself she was just scared, helpless and getting older, and older every day.
Wishing you strength and kindness throughout this process. This is a great time to get on top of it... remember, she will not grow up like a child, it goes the other way and it only gets more and more challenging. My very best wishes to you.
I hope you find the love in your family where ever it may be.
You feel an obligation to uproot your life for your mother. Your sisters don't feel the same obligation. Sounds like there are some painful family dynamics here.
Dunwoody's advice is right on. You gave it a shot with your mom and it's not working. You deserve a decent life of your own. Have a heart to heart with your sisters. Just be honest-this plan is not working. Tell them you need their help getting mom into a better situation. Check with elder services in your community to see what services are available.
Now I said all that to show you if you just allow her to do all this to you what your life will be. Put her in a home, tell your sisters if they don't like it then they need to come in and take over. DO NOT ALLOW them to ruin your life. One day you will wake up and you life will have passed you by and your selfish sisters will be living their lives. I don't know how old your mom is but check with Medicaid to see what she qualifies for. Take your life back. At least you have a job to go to to take you away for a while. Don't end up where it is 24 hours a day. If she can be alone while you work, she can be alone for you to live your life.
At first my mom use to tell my sisters stuff about me now she just tells them about what we do and where we go. At some point my mom will start to tell them lies about what I do and don't deal, I have been preparing my sisters for that time.
Every situation is different and every individual has to make a choice. I do not like nursing homes and my mom cannot live alone, so for me caregiving is the only option.
Lots of advice will come out of these discussions, but you have to make a choice you can live with. Guilt is a common thing when it comes to aging parents, so you have to decide what you can live with. If you think assisted living is the way to or a nursing home, that is something you can deal with then do it.
Always remember we all have choices to make, it is just what can we live with. I am not saying one situation or decision is better than another but we do have to live with ourselves and look ourselves in the mirror. So my thought it talk with your mom and sisters, then make a decision that works best for you.
xo
-SS
What I found is that I had ulterior motives deep down inside that I didn't even know I had before I moved in. I wanted mom and dad to see me as worthy; I wanted their love. I moved in with this as an undercurrent and not something I was even aware of. No one else was stepping up, so on the surface just thought it was the only way to take care of the situation. I have three sisters who live out of town who say how wonderful it is that I am living with mom and dad; but that is pretty much the extent of their "help". If they could even call to allow me to vent, that would be great, but sometimes they don't even return my calls now. Guess it's just too tough on them...
When my parents finally signed a medical power of attorney, they put my other sisters' names on and not me. For some reason that really hurt. When I found the document in with some medical records, I took a deep breath and told mom and dad I was glad they had finally signed the document. Mother pulled me aside later and told me that the reason she didn't put me on there was because my sisters talked bad about me behind my back and she didn't want them to accuse me of anything bad at the very end.
I emailed all three of my sisters and told them that apparently my moving in had caused more family disharmony than I had intended, and they could figure out what they were going to do with their parents because when my tenants moved out of my house in June, I was done. It brought everyone to the point of understanding what I was doing and they all called and said they hadn't realized how their convesations with mom had hurt me. One apologized and the other two said it never happend and yelled at my mom on the phone for saying such a thing. I decided to stay for a while longer and not move out in June which will be one year with mom and dad; primarily because I just can't face putting them in a facility. None of my sisters what them to be in their town - even though they would have multiple family members to check on them. In the city where I live, I am the only one to do everything.
Bottom line. You have to decide, as I have had to decide, why you are there and whether or not that is where you want to be. No one else's approval or help. Not even your mom's respect or approval can be the reason you are there. If it is what you want, then stay. If not, go. This has to be an internal decision from your soul. But if you are really there to finally fill some gap, if you are there to get the love you didn't get as a child, if you are there for some ulterior motive, then acknowledge that and know you are probably just going to be hurt more. You will never get love and respect from someone who is selfish. If you can stay for your own reasons to honor this person because she is your mother and gave you life, because she is a human being who can't take care of herself and you want to take on that role, then staying might be for you to do. But be clear about why you are there and what you want from the situation. I thought I was there for selfless reasons too, and found out more about myself than expected.
Finally I add this, my parents and I had a sit down talk. No one was angry at the time. I was really shaking inside when I told my mom and dad that if we can't get along, then they will have to find another place to live since they can no longer live by themselves. I hated saying those words. I hated facing their unspoken fear and getting it out in the open. But as one sister told me later, it is the truth. The turnaround has been remarkable. I still get my feelings hurt, from time to time, but I am getting more acknowledgement of thanks from my mom and dad, they are happy to be at home with all their things around them.
Just know that that getting respect from anyone cannot be the goal; except the respect you feel for yourself for doing what you want to do and doing it well. This has to come from within you as to the service you are giving, not what you want emotionally, or what you can GET from doing the service. It is an opportunity to grow and unfold in ways you never expected if that is where your path calls you. But if you are not on that path, it is completely appropriate for you to see the situation for what it is and LEAVE FOR SELF PRESERVATION'S SAKE.
Happiness is key. There is no right or wrong in this. If your mom is placed in a facility that can keep her safe and healthy, you can visit and find the relationship you want with her or find that relationship just is not there. But when you walk away to go home, you can know in your heart that you did your best.
Focus on clarity, clarity for your heart' purpose, clarilty for your family, clarity for your self love that must come first for you to have anything to share.
Much love.
Whatever causes individuals to be sick and selfish from an early age and then morph into dementia-ridden monsters makes hell on earth for decent off-spring.
Listen to strangers, but kindred spirits, here who actually CARE ABOUT YOU MORE THAN YOUR FAMILY!
When I read stories like yours and of so many other sweet people here--dealing with generations of narcissists--it reinforces how strong we are and must be to survive. Detach emotionally and physically from them and don't look back. They will all survive just fine without you, and will continue to blame you for everything whether you are in their lives or not.