I have only lived with mom for six months and I am already regretting my decision to do this. I have two sisters; one that lives in NY so she has a built in excuse, the other is local but does not help at all. She will visit mom for an hour or so most Fridays (I work full time during the day) but when I asked if she could change the visit time last week to Thursday night so I could attend a friend’s birthday party (it would be the first time I have done anything other than work and go home), she told me it was a work night for her and she was allergic to the smoke in the house. So, my sisters are no help-emotionally or financially.
In fact when I couldn’t manage to move to mom’s overnight (which people actually expected me to do so “she wouldn’t be alone”) I called my NY sister who was staying with mom thru the funeral and asked if she could delay her trip home for one week while I moved. Her reply was she hadn’t planned that and she didn’t have the right shoes... so she went home. No one offered to help me move or even asked how I felt, all I heard was they were so glad that they didn’t have to worry about mom anymore.
When I moved in my local sister had canceled my mom’s newspaper. Her and her husband had decided that mom couldn’t afford it. Mom said she was crushed, that she loved the paper so my son paid for her to get it back. I have fought for everything that meant something to mom. My sisters are all about the money, and have told both mom and me that if she runs out of money she will have to go into a state run facility or be homeless. They wouldn’t help financially. So although I have less money than the other two, I pay rent, I pay for anything that is just mine or my dogs and I pay half of everything else. I have less money now than I had when I lived on my own because I thought Mom needed me to do that so she wouldn’t see her money decline fast and it worry her. I took on the fight for mom and in the meantime I became the villain in the family. That was fine because I felt mom needed a person to fight for her.
Now I realize that Mom is not who I want her to be. She left me and my sisters when I was three years old. I never held that against her because I don’t know the whole story and we all have regrets so in my mind my mom was a wonderful person that truly loved me. What I heard this past Friday night made me realize that my family is toxic, all of them. How could I have allowed myself not to see that and make this move where now I am truly miserable?
Last Friday night I overheard a phone conversation my mom had with my local sister. I was shocked to hear mom tell out and out lies on me. She said things like I leave her alone all the time, that it’s all about me and what I want-that one almost sent me into a heart attack. It’s all been about mom, all of it, I have given everything I have (literally I had to give or throw away all my possession because I was told anything I brought with me had to be stored in my bedroom )and done everything I know to do and to hear that, I just really couldn’t handle it. My heart broke.
After she hung up I went upstairs with my knees just shaking and I confronted her. She called me paranoid and told me that her or my sisters haven’t done a thing to me, it’s all in my head. I felt so crushed. So I told her it’s not paranoid when you hear it and I repeated back to her some of the things I heard. She immediately said things like “I wish I could just die” and “this is going to kill me ”. Finally, I told her that it was fine, that I was ok, that it doesn’t matter…but it does. There is no talking to her because she acts like her “nerves” are shot and will reach for the anxiety medicine if I confront anything. She actually told me one night when I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet that if I didn’t go to McDonalds and get her what she wanted that she would tell my sisters. She said it kidding, but now I’m not sure she doesn’t tell them all kinds of lies. I believe now she has played us against each other, that she loves drama and she has always had my pop to complain about, and now I think I have taken his place and I will continue to be criticized no matter what I do.
I feel like I have no family, like I’m the villain and I am the one that is giving up everything. I don’t understand how this has happened to me. I have never done anything with less selfish motives; I have never given my life over to anyone the way I have to her. I wait on her hand and foot and don’t mind. I clean up her bowel movements all over the place and never complain. I rush home from work and cook dinner and do dishes and do everything else all the while trying to keep her company. I’m doing all I can do.
If I move out I m not sure what will happen to Mom. She can’t live alone, she’s sick too much and she has never had to take care of herself and I don’t think she can. I really hate my life and I don’t see it changing if I stay. I am venting…..
I know some people here say, move out, leave her and forget about your sisters; I disagree with that because once your Mother is gone, guess who has to live with the decisions you've made in life... YOU and not your sisters. Like I said earlier, they know what you are doing and if they don't realize it, then it really doesn't matter. What you choose to do and if not to take care of your Mom may later haunt you. Whether she was a bad mother or not, you don't have to do the same because you are different. Think about this situation not being "done to you" but that your Mother doesn't have much time left. You don't say what's wrong with your Mom in your letter so I don't know the specifics. I come from a country where you don't walk away from family because things get tough and you certainly don't put your parents in a facility for someone else to take care of her. As I said no matter how she chose to parent you, this should not reflect as the type of person you are. Have patience, ignore what your sisters are saying or what your Mother says about you. Do the right thing for you in the caring of your Mother. All you can do is your best. I wish you all the luck and peace you deserve.
Also, the time to move her into a nursing/assisted living facility is now while she has some money of her own. Facilities are far more motivated to help her get on Medicaid when her money runs out, than if you wait. I found this out the hard way. ;(
Try not to feel guilty, this is best for all. God bless!
She is investing her entire life and all her emotions into a sick situation.
If a person has not experienced a lifetime of an awful mother--not to mention one who ABANDONED her children--they have NO IDEA.
We are caring and forgiving people who care for and see to the end of life care for people who did not do the same for us as children when it really mattered. Additionally, we do not repeat the sickness, but instead struggle and forge a new pattern of parenting for our own children, therefore, breaking the chain.
join the club
we have home health care giving her sponge baths at least twice a week
:-) Wayne
Make a plan and get out. Start saving your money.
If you have been through a rough patch and financially are not where you want to be, give your self permission to envision a happy future and start cutting out pictures of what that looks like and saving them. Go look for people who have what you want and start asking them about how they got where they wanted to be.
Try to find funny movies, funny people to give you a good laugh.
When everything is so drama queen driven it's very hard to be up beat.
It seems in each family there is one responsible member who will take on the challenges of caring for a parent. It seems you are that person in your family.
The ones who don't help are the ones who are the "angels" and the ones who get complained to. My mom lies to me and to everyone who will listen to get her way. I don't know if this is helpful to you but at least your are not the only one. There are a lot of us who are sick of being care givers. I have stopped communicating to my mom and only speak to her when necessary. Old age has changed her in ways I don't like. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I won't put my mom in a home because I would feel too guilty. I hope you have more strength.
My first thought in regards to the idea of you finding assisted living or in-home care is "you are damned if you do, damned if you don't". I don't see a win for you because, given their behaviors, your sisters/mom could find fault in all of your decisions and continue to manipulate you and time will just keep ticking away. Let your sisters figure it out since they are talking to your mom. She'll be ok. Know that and be strong.
I join the others in giving you 'permission' to move out. Listen to your heart and take care of yourself.
Care - there are "continuous care housing complexes". From independent living to the extreme hospice care, somewhere in the spectrum will suit your Mom. On the low end, look for a place that only wants 30% of her monthly gross income (income either from Social Security or pension, etc. is still income). Other places may be low-income housing with rent control. If she goes into independent living, the complex may allow the deposit to be split over several or more months.
To help with finances -- if your Dad was a Vet and she earned less, apply for a "top up" for her from his VA benefits. She may get this processed inside 30 days from the VA. Some other benefits may also be available to her as a widow of a Vet.
HEAP - check with your local government office - call your gas and electric utility provider. This will lower her utility bill. There are other government discount programs and base level service discounts.
COUNCIL ON AGING - Cal them. They will know of more programs for her.
HABITAT FOR HUMANITY - If the house needs any repairs, check with your local office and see if HH will do repairs for free, or a 0% loan.
REVERSE MORTGAGE - While this "can" help pull out equity from the house so your Mom has it available to spend , be aware up front load fee can be around $8000, or more. Home has to meet FHA/ HUD safety standards - or repairs have to be less than 15% of appraised value. "Repair set aside" is 150% of the total quote for repairs. It's paid from closing. (I'm not an expert. You can ask Council on Aging for a counseling appointment. There is a list on the HUD website for who is under contract for doing counseling. Some offer grants and do not charge fees - others charge up to $125. We just went through this exercise.)
Meals on Wheels may help keep her food costs down. So will food stamps if she qualifies.
Get a social worker to step in and independently evaluate her needs. It may also help you to have an "out" so the "decisions of how to help your Mom" are made by a neutral third party.
Hope this helps.
You have a lot of support here. Seems many of us are going through a similar experience and our hours of despair as caregivers.
Good luck!
when she was strapped with the belt to stand up she put up such a fuss
this happens every time with the home health PT
this is getting so tiresome
she has such a mental block
what does anyone here suggest I do?
besides taking her out to the woods behind the house and shooting her, that is :-) LOL W
It is what it is--I hate that trite saying, but sometimes it fits. xo
This is why I tell you to go. Go as quickly as you can.
Good luck,
Carol