I am 65 my mom is 82. I retired at 63 to care for her. She gets very angry and says mean and vulgar things. She also wants to know every move I make. Even if I go to the bathroom. If we go to the store she will start telling every one I lost my daughter if I am out of her sight. I am 65 and being treated like a 15 year old. All wrong with her is her brain she has demintia. On the other hand I have diabetes and high blood pressure . along with being overweight. I feel I will never know freedom gain in my life. My husband has written me for a divorce since I have been gone now for two years caretaking my mom. My life is a wreak. Everyone thinks it is wonderful that I am caring for my mom. I don't think they know the price I have to pay.
Are you able to get away at all? Your mother sounds like she would do fine being by herself a good bit. I wonder if a part-time or volunteer job would give you some free and structured time away from her. We really need to get away from our care receiver frequently, particularly when they are abusive.
Is there any hope for patching things up with your husband? If you could, I would say to run back to him as fast as you can and make other arrangements for your mother. It sounds like she is taking too much out of you without putting anything back in.
I'm glad you found this site. It is a great place to vent. We're not uncomfortable here hearing about less than perfect parents.
Why do you give your mother the power to come between your husband and yourself, to abuse you, and to leave you with no life of your own? She can't do any of these things without your permission.
I would love to see you set free again and in charge of your own life, even if that means part of your time is spent with your Mom. You need to take charge of your life by setting boundaries. Talk to your husband if you want to continue that relationship. Decide where you will live. It sounds like you decided to move out on him and move in with your Mom. Is that right? You & your hubby need to reach a decision on this.
How much of your time will be spent helping your Mom? Can she be on her own or does she need to be in a facility and what kind? What can she afford? It's not healthy for her to boss you around and control your life. You may need counseling to learn why you let her do this. She is not well, her mind isn't well, yet you let her be in charge. YOU need to be in charge, but it may take a lot of tactful, gentle words to manage her. I'm still learning this part myself. I find it difficult.
Setting boundaries with a counselor's help will be much easier than on your own. There's a wealth of knowledge on this website and inspire dot com, and anything from Teepa Snow. I hope you get the help you need and find the right path for you to follow.