I am 38 and been caring for my bedridden mother for almost five years. I am an only child and moved her in after my father's passing. My marriage didn't survive and it seems like it is getting harder every day. I love her and don't know why I feel such strain lately. None of my close friends have dealt with this issue. What little family I have doesn't offer assistance. A visit here and there, but nothing to speak of besides that nothing much else. I have been needing some support system of people who understand where I am at currently, possible future issues to come. I hope I can find someone who knows how I feel. I have aides who come so that I can work during the day. But it has become to the point where I feel I cant continue. I have no kids, which makes me feel it shouldnt bother me to care for my mother. I feel like my life is stuck in a mode that I didn't choose, and have given up all hope for a life I want to live, but can not. I know this may sound selfish but I hope to find one person who understands something to give me hope, I know her being with me is what she needs but I am starting to feel angry bitter and guilty. She has gotten more needy of my attention this last year since my divorce. She used to want me to do things and said she wasn't going to move in unless I continued my life. But that just hasn't happened. She is gotten worse, and I feel like I need to have a life too, I have given up many things and now I don't know if I can continue to be the "good daughter" sometimes I think she would be better in a nursing home, but I know I would miss her and feel even more guilty as I promised my dying father I would take care of her. And what point do I get to live again? I am stuck? Will I never have a life that I choose and not what was given to me? Please any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks you
Like you, an only daughter, at age 38, I gave up a great job, even better paying job offer to attend to the needs of my elderly parents. I wanted to be a good daughter and not let them down. And they both let me know this was what was expected of me.
Nearly a decade later, I am almost making what I was 10 years ago. There are gaps in my employment history because you can't be at the dr's office twice a week and still work full time. And telling clients of being a caregiver is just as effective as withdrawing your name from consideration for a perspective job.
Now for the bad news, you are living the life you chose. You simply chose your mother over yourself. You ARE a good daughter. You are a great daughter! You are selfless and you are faithful. Find a counselor to help you focus on yourself. Then start working on placement. If your mother is bedridden, she should be eligible for a nursing home where they assist her with her routines of daily living, Yes, you made a promise to your father; you will still be caring for her while others assist her.
Most people's parents want their kids to live their life and not be burdened by them. My parents told me they "groomed" me to care for them. And I resent that with every fiber of my being. After I read "the five regrets of the dying" - with #1 being ' I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me,' I realized I already had all those regrets. That was a huge wake up call for me. I realized, I did deserve a life. So do you. Get a counselor, group, someone on your side. Realizing that you are just as important - more important - than a promise, is the first step.
My dad is 91, still drives, and living in his home. Even so, I run myself ragged continuing the pretense he is living "independently." When he no longer can do his daily living skills, he will ne placed. I am at peace with that because I know I need (and want) to be true to myself. Life os too short to be living it for someone other than yourself.
Go out there and reclaim your life.
A good place to start is the Area Agency's Aging usually within the Council of Governments in the US. I too have interviewed for positions where I was asked "what happens to mom if you come to work for us" to which I answer placement. Maybe the thoughts of interviewers were that I was unfeeling or uncaring that I would have placed my mom? I just do not know.
Good luck to you, you have many good years for you to live your life and take care of you.
I am in a situation with my Mom with Parkinsons Disease. I'm a 40 year old male. Had to give up my friends. I have no job, no girlfriend & no life like I used to have. I've been dealing with this for seven years. My Mom is very important to me ..... but she can hardly walk and can fall at any given moment (which she already has 2 twice) and I can't put her in a home. So I guess I am sort of going through what you are too. Sometimes it really drains me but I try to stay strong for myself and her and hearing people tell me I'm a good son makes it worthwhile sometimes. Hang in there !
A promise made to take care of someone does not mean you have to give up your life. Choose your life. Allow others to give her care.
Check with your local hospitals for support groups, and also Google them within your area. In my neck of the woods, more and more SNFs and AL facilities are hosting support groups.
Start with one day or one evening and just do something you want to do - join a book club, go to a free concert, go to the library, or just go out to dinner. Then gradually increase the time you spend for yourself.
Even if you prefer to spend time at home, take care of what needs to be done that day/evening, then go in a separate room and spend time just doing what you want.
And don't feel guilty! That's a common psychological burden among caregivers. You owe it to yourself to maintain your own physical and mental health or you won't be able to tolerate caring for your mother.
Make a list of things that others can do and start hiring so you can spend more time on things you need to do.
Good luck with your new plans!
Take care of yourself and come back often, read and post what you want when you are ready.
You are a good daughter, and you will still be a good daughter if you place your mother in a facility and make a life for yourself in your spare time. Don't be afraid to be alone for a while - other things will come into your life when there is room for them. Your mother may not see that you need your own life but that's no reason for you to not see it. You need your own life, a life beyond working a job and coming home to caregiving for your mother.
Another thought about empathy, which has traced through so many posts on this thread. Many/most of our parents have said that they don't want to be a burden and want us to have our own lives. Some of them have actually meant it, but perhaps without understanding what that would mean - that they would have to manage with less help or other caregivers, maybe paid ones. In many cases, elderly people seem to simply lose empathy for the adult children who give up their own lives to take care of them. They start to excuse and rationalize the situation - "Well, I took care of you when you were little" or "Well, what else can I do? I need the help now."
It doesn't matter if they lose empathy for us or if they never had any to begin with. (The opinions of uninvolved family members who lack empathy don't matter either.) We can't afford to lose empathy for ourselves, or get so immersed in their problems that we take on their perspective, because their perspective has narrowed to include no interests but their own. We can't wait for our parents' blessing to go on and live our own lives. We need to give ourselves our blessings and then get on with it.