We have all four .our parents age 90,87,85,84 My parents were alot of care and were not in a safe place or situation. My dad fell and this help to make the decision to go into assisted living and it is working very well. Now we have more time to do fun things with them. My husband parents are needing alot of care, his father is falling alot and has dementia and depression. They refuss to go to assisted living and exspect my husband to care for them, he is their assisted living and he fills that is what he should do.Our relationship has suffered because of it. I have resentment and try to be understanding, but also feel it is unfair the responiblity they put on him. Some days I feel that I am at the bottom of his list. I feel guilt for feeling this way. I know it is alot. on his shoulder and I should not feel is way. We are both retired but can't enjoy it. Comments would be helpful. I can't talk to my husband he becomes defensive.
Dementia is progressive. FIL will get worse and worse and need more and more care. Most dementia patients eventually need placement. At some point he will need more than assisted living. This is something you both need to factor into the discussion. If at all possible, consult with FIL's physician to learn the prognossis for his particular disease.
This is not easy at all. My heart goes out to all of you.
The good news is that there are so many good alternatives for elder care that did not exist back then. Maybe your husband should look at the ALFs in your area and talk to the people there. He could see how nice many of them are. If they care for his parent's day-to-day needs, then you two can go back to being the loving children who do everything else for them.
I fear that your resentment plus his unwillingness to budge is going to have a negative effect on your relationship and plans for the future. His heart is in the right place because he loves and wants to care for his parents, but, unless he has a medical background, he will not be able to care for all the needs of his parents as they age. It is better to get them settled in and used a new environment now before it gets too late.
Whether you provide in-home care for your in-laws or help them to find a suitable placement, your marriage sounds like it needs some work. Joint counseling sounds like a good idea. Go alone if hubby refuses. This is a very stressful situation for all concerned. You deserve an objective, caring professional to help you with the stress.
Good luck!
I don't know if there is anything more you can do if the hub is operating under guilt or unreasonable obligation. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and social lives. Perhaps your hub could limit his visits to 2 times a week at first. Let them know that these are "their days" and they can ask do do anything they want or need. The rest of the week is yours and your hub has to respect that. If they need more care, hire an in-home caregiver to come by 2-3 times a week. They will not like it, because they are used to their son, but it will be helpful for the future if they get used to others caring for them.
Sounds like your hub recognizes that he needs to disengage....now it is a matter of putting it into practice...the hardest part. Seek counseling together or ask for an impartial third party to speak with him. Trust me, this thing can get out of hand really fast.
good luck