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I have been a caregiver for many years for a LO, but I am not her POA.


As with most other elder care situations, the lady's condition is getting worse and not better. Crucial, life-altering decisions are now being made by the POA regarding surgeries (or not), hospice (or not), palliative care (or not), etc. My opinion as a primary caregiver is suddenly a non-issue.


Yes, I can walk away and I understand all that. That's not my point. My point is that caregiving without POA can be a harrowing experience if one does choose to stay involved.


My intention is merely to remind others who may be in this situation. Presumably, you are in the situation knowingly and by choice - just as I am. It may not seem like a big deal right now to not have POA for the person receiving your care. But, then things start rapidly unravelling and POA starts making decisions that YOU (as a caregiver) will need to accept.... it can get difficult. Your experience in caring for the person does not need to be considered if POA decides at any time that he/she does not want your input (but does want your continued help, of course).


You're a nobody without POA - even if you're the one who's been there.

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Do you think that maybe as "primary" caregiver you allowed a delay in some decision making that should have been done sooner?
If the POA had been obligated to find a paid caregiver through an agency someone from an agency would have informed their supervisor that the decline had reached a point where a higher level of care would be needed in order to keep LO safe?
Or would the decision have been made to place LO in skilled care that suited the level of care needed.
Or would you, or could you have said at some point...this is getting to be more than I can safely do we either need another caregiver or we need to find a different way to care for LO.
You can't look back and say what if because you do not know what the course of events would have been.
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So very true. Caregivers need to understand this going in, but also those of us who will need caregivers should understand it. Too many people sign a POA without clear ideas. A man I knew insisted his favorite dimwit daughter who had little life experience be his POA. His wife objected because she was already his caregiver and didn’t want to have to ask dimwit for money to take care of him. Dimwit was only interested in preserving her inheritance. Wife had enough and divorced him for that and other reasons. I’m sure there are lots of stories like this!
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I was mom's caregiver; I was also her POA. It never came to pass that I had to use it, fortunately, since her health issues were strictly physical and she remained mentally fit until she passed away; she was also relatively reasonable about what sort of care she needed and did try her best to be as cooperative a patient as her condition allowed. In that respect, I am much more fortunate that many, many people who post here.

But I agree with you, Mysteryshopper. There is no way I would ever, ever take on voluntary caregiving without not only being named POA, but also having access to that person's money. I would absolutely not take care of someone if I had to constantly being begging for the person needing care's money for their needs. I would have no problems keeping meticulous records of the expenditures, but no way would I be willing to deal with family members who were only concerned with keeping their inheritance "intact" to the detriment of the person needing care.
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You are absolutely right in a worst cast screnario. I would caution all would be caregivers to be certain of this, and of any contract for financial remuneration. One just CANNOT, without grave harm, blindly walk in expecting things to go well. You message is well taken, well meant, and I hope of value to all caregivers.
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I was lucky, I was the oldest, a girl and lived in the same town as my parents. So it was logical that I would get POA and be Executor. I would never had cared for Mom if someone else had her POAs. Help, yes, but not have the full responsibility.
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My SIL is the POA and MPOA for my husband's mother. She's blase about her mom's medical issues and ignores my input. She makes almost no effort to help her with simple things like a knee brace, better shoes, topical pain cream, etc. It's very annoying since I have to be the one getting her this stuff and she's not even my mom. My husband will not allow her to live with us and I agree, so it's not terribly burdensome. Just bizarre.
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