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the decision and the aftermath for care givers and their loved ones. Am I still a care giver? Mom became ill a few months ago and ended up in hospital and rehab...now she is in the long term care section...This is very hard. Mom does not want to be there but I can not care for her anymore at home. Some days it is easier than others, but she tries all the manipulation she can to get me to take her home. This was a hard decision and every visit is dreaded on my way there. When things go well (not often recently) I am pleasantly surprised. Most of the time I want to just run out the door. This is a hard part of care giving, knowing whe you must step in and make the best decisons you can for your loved one. How have you coped with this?

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I didn't, but my cousin had to. Her mother lived alone at home for many years with Parkinson's, but of course the time eventually came when in spite of HCAs, my cousin's daily visits, and frequent help from her two brothers, my aunt could not safely remain at home. Well, I say safely: if she'd stayed at home she would have died very quickly.

One factor in my reasoning when I considered placing my mother and didn't was that it seemed to me that my cousin wasn't much less stressed and anxious about her mother than I was about mine, even though my aunt's facility was a very good one. It was partly guilt: I wouldn't describe my meek, sanguine aunt as manipulative at all, but when you see the sweet little old face looking so hurt and troubled as you turn to leave you are *bound* to feel terrible about it. I did, and she didn't even like me much (I used to take my mother to see her - she wouldn't have wanted just me!). Leaving people somewhere you know they don't really want to be feels wrong.

But that doesn't mean it *is* wrong. You have made a thoroughly considered decision prioritising your mother's safety and welfare above all. What you can't solve is the problem that she cannot live safely at home. She is sad about that, and you are sad that she is sad.

If you had an alternative, you would use it. There isn't one. It wouldn't be unreasonable to hope that your mother might eventually accept the reality of it. But it is perhaps unreasonable to expect her ever to like it. She'll feel better if she can adjust, that's all; and then so will you.

Make friends with the staff, and lean on them for advice and reassurance. Don't stop going, but don't either feel guilty if you have to miss visits for good reasons. Looking on the ltc facility as your mother's actual home from here on in might help. She's not in care, she's at home - only now home is somewhere with built-in safety features and assistance.

My aunt was in her facility for several years, which gave my cousin time to form quite strong relationships with the people around. I think you can guess what my cousin's next problem was, and still is: how to adjust to the loss of those relationships after my aunt died.
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yes, my dad was 78lbs and almost dead when I had his door broken down and the caregiving trip began for him. At first in the NH he was adamant about running away or sleeping on a park bench- mixed with telling me thank you for taking such good care of him. He called constantly and made daily demands of errands I had to run. I was strong back then and let his drivers licence expire and told him no more driving. I advocated for his health and his poor attitude/ depression.
It killed me that he was such a free man being stuck in a home.
I am burying him today, I guess i am glad I had those last few years with him.
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Last month my mom was moved from AL to the Rehab floor. She had become a Three person assist, which isn't safely possible. So the move to Rehab was to help get some strength in her legs..she was adamant she wasn't doing PT. The Social Worker asked if she wanted to work at getting back to AL apartment, my mom said she was perfectly happy to stay on the Healthcare floor. (rehab and HC are mixed together). I think possibly this was the motive of the move to Rehab. I could have fallen off my chair when the SW said my mom told her that the AL was nice, but she's happy in HC. I have to say she is happy. I think AL was becoming over whelming for her. Now all of her activities are on one floor and so is the hair dresser.
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