My common-law husband of 14 years moved out and left to care for both of his elder parents over a year and a half ago. His dad has dementia, and has declined. Also, three of his siblings are fighting over the parents' estate, with one brother actually having stolen their property with a quit claim deed. My husband has been in and out of court all this time, dealing with the police coming over. The brothers call the cops all the time to try running him off. And now the same brother who stole his parent's property is now filing for guardianship. While all this drama happened, my mother, who was only 67 passed away from cancer. I was her caregiver, but she wasn't really sick until the very end. My husband visited when she passed, but he refused to stay for the funeral, so this whole time, I have been left to grieve by myself, take care of my widowed dad, which has been very hard, and hold down the fort. My husband still pays a lot of our bills, because he gets residual income from insurance sales. He never will come visit, though, and always expects me to drive to him. The last time I went down to see him, we ended up in a big fight, because I wanted him to spend some alone time with me, and I rented a hotel. He refused to stay with me at the hotel, and never would leave his parent's house. He expects me to stay at his parents house 24/7 when I am down there and the house is awful. It's old, decrepit and has roaches and rats. He has a woman that helps him during the week, but she has been flaky lately and keeps calling in sick. My birthday is coming up next week and I asked my husband to come home to visit. He refused and told me that I am going to have to come to him, because he is scared his parents might fall, or need him. I am so lonely and depressed that I can barely function. He always turns things around on me and says that I am losing patience with him. Also, when I went down there last time he said some horrible things to me when we had that fight. He told me that he was pretty much "over" me, because we had been living apart for more than 15 months anyway, and that I was just a selfish b*tch who only goes to the gym and lives in luxury at my dad's house while he is suffering living alone with his parents' house and has no help. He also kicked me out of his parents' house that night, and made me go sleep at the hotel by myself. I ended up begging him back. I am stuck. I love him, and don't want to give up a 14 year relationship, but I am suffering beyond comprehension. His parents will always come first. Me, not so much. What should I do? Am I the one with no patience? He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. In December it will be two years he has been gone, and he has only come home to visit three times. Also, we are not intimate anymore. He blames me sometimes and says it is because I nag him all the time. He also says it is because he has a lot on his mind. I feel like I am so unattractive now, even though I am only 42 years old, no kids, attractive and try to keep fit. He is 10 years older, quit working out and eats nothing but junk. I do nothing but worry every night about his health and stress. I don't know what to do, and my heart is hurting. Just to add, I do all the paperwork, computer stuff he needs, filing taxes, etc. You name it, I do it. We are four hours apart, but any time he calls me, I drop whatever I am doing and do whatever he tells me to do. I am his personal assistant, always have been. I guess I feel used too.
Do you know what kind of change is better for you? Some people do better with a dramatic and quick change, others are better off taking little steps. (I like to imagine the big, dramatic fresh start, but in reality, that is just not how I'm able to handle things.) Good luck and let us know how things go.
I hope, as well as being concerned about him, you are concerned about you and what is best for you. You need an income - from him or from working at a job yourself. You need some plan for your future - with him and without him. I hope your therapist is helping you work these things out as well as reconciling with the fact that you did not get his support when your mother died. Is that a deal breaker?
I truly hope that soon you make a decision one way or the other, and then work out the details of that decision. Right now you seem to be caught in between. It is a painful place to be. (((((((hugs)))))
You ended your initial post by saying you feel used. You stated that his parents come first and always will. You stated that the home he expects you to stay in is infested with vermin.
I don't want to cause you pain. But you are describing a person who has no boundaries with his parents. That isn't a good basis for an adult relationship.
Only you can decide how to handle this situation. I think it might be wise to seek some outside support in clarifying for yourself what your priorities are and what your next steps should be.
Do you get the feeling that it is over? If it is, I guess the best thing is to find your feet and show him what a bad decision he made. I know it is hard to do when you're caregiving. But you're in TX, so it will come to you.
Laurie, if you are still out there, just pay attention to what your husband is saying and what he is doing. That will provide all the answers you need. Figure out how you're going to take care of yourself financially. TX has a lot of job opportunities, and you can work while watching out for your father. You are very important, so make sure you are building a life for yourself. Things can change when couples spend time apart. Often the changes can't be undone. If that is the case, take care of yourself financially and emotionally. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Our friend, Laurie, who has been posting here stated that it would be two years in December that her husband has been gone.
She also said he wouldn't spend the whole night with her in the hotel. Stayed until 4:30. So, she's trying to stay married BUT to untangle their bank accounts etc they will probably need a divorce despite his best efforts.
FROM A LAWYERS AD.
Common law marriage is recognized in Texas and, should the spouses choose to separate, they can receive a divorce from their common law marriage. However, the rules for divorce for a common law marriage are slightly different than the rules for typical divorces.
Establishing Common Law Marriage
First of all, it is important to establish that you were actually in a common law marriage. To be valid, Texas common law marriages must meet the following requirements:
Both parties must have agreed to be married
The couple must have held themselves out to the community as husband and wife, either by introducing each other as husband and wife or by filing a joint income tax return
The couple must live as husband and wife
All three of these requirements must be met for a relationship to be considered a common law marriage. While many couples live with each other for extended periods of time, these couples are only considered married under common law if they also meet the first two requirements.
Filing for Common Law Divorce
Once it has been established that a common law marriage exists, the marriage may only be dissolved by filing for divorce. However, if a couple that is married under common law separates and an action for divorce is not filed within two years after the parties cease living together, it is presumed that they did not agree to be married in the first place.
If you are married under the common law and decide to separate from your spouse, it may seem simpler to just separate without filing for divorce, since your marriage will be considered non-existent if you remain separated for a period of two years. However, there may be many reasons to file for common law divorce, including the following:
Fair division of marital assets
Clear child custody orders
Determination of child support and spousal support
Once it has been determined that there is a common law marriage, the property division, child custody and support obligations upon divorce are the same as a civil marriage.
But if it's that legally binding why would you even feel the need to specify what sort of marriage it is? Are we sure this couple had done the paperwork?
This family drama is not yours to judge. He has made his choice, and it's pretty clear. Right now he doesn't have much to give to you, at least not what you want. Leave him alone. Walk away.
I hope your therapist is helping you build self esteem and self reliability. It is not the responsibility of our domestic partners- gay, straight, married or unmarried to define us. Find your own identity now, it's time to move on.
That adage is correct- if you love somebody set them free, if they don't come back they were never yours to begin with. Leave him alone and see what happens. At least you will know how this man with obvious commitment issues feels about you. Doesn't it worry you that he hasn't committed to you enough to make you his wife?
You still have a lot of time, Laurieann. 14 years is a drop in the bucket of life. Pick yourself up and move on.
Laurieann, all this about how draining the parents are, and the totally reliable highly experienced older lady with excellent references who walked out on him without notice, and the evil gloating brother...
You've seen all this, or you've heard it from your partner?
Do you ever wonder what he tells his parents about you?
I think I'm tending more to the "run like the wind" side. Ask your therapist to remind you about Stockholm Syndrome.
So many relationships start out great and then suddenly one or both of the people start looking for what they never received from Mommy or Daddy or their last partner or whomever and the walls come crumbling down. Sad, but true.
He's a scapegoat child seeking the (mythical, as we know too well) approval and acceptance that was always lacking. His parents have assets, and his siblings are circling. He's trying to keep a business going. He does need support, but whether or not he deserves it..?
Laurieann, you say for example that there was no reason he couldn't take that evening off. The very next sentence you say that the person he was relying on to provide cover quit without notice not long after. Well I think Surprise might be right - that actually local girlfriend had enough of him and walked - but in any case was she someone he could safely leave his parents with? Evidently not.
Meanwhile the lady (you) to whom he has proved unable to commit himself for some years - I hear "common law", I say "more fool you" - won't touch his family situation with a stick. Well, good decision there. But he does have a real, substantial situation to handle. And seriously you think he should be taking time out of it to wine and dine you?
There are men who are emotional disaster areas. They go through life leaving a trail of devastation in their wakes and wondering why all the women they "love" turn into hopeless lunatics. I have two good female friends I long to give a t-shirt with the slogan "C___ F____ - I survived!" and "N____ S_____ - never again!" Discarded but not fully detached partners, legitimate and illegitimate children in whose lives they continue to meddle damagingly while calling themselves good fathers. I can think of three I know personally without trying very hard, and they are charming, vulnerable monsters.
I can't tell whether you've got one of those on your hands, or if this is a damaged man who needs and deserves your selfless support if you are to build a lasting future together. But I think you must make up your mind which he is, and either run like the wind - *permanently* - or roll your sleeves up. One or the other. At the moment you're risking your own peace of mind, potentially throwing away more valuable time, and doing nothing to help him. Decision time.
I'm going to guess that woman was his local girlfriend. I'd have quit when my boyfriend's other girlfriend came too. It never occurred to you he's trying to get you there to tend his dad for him, like you do everything else for him?
I want you to reread your post, every word of it. I want you to read it as if it were written by a woman you love, a sister, or a best friend perhaps. What would your advice to her be?
Angel
I'm sorry for your loss of your mother. What are your plans (and his) for your father's care in future?
All I want to say about your CLH is this. He's a full-time caregiver. They don't do glamorous nights out. Either *help* him, or leave him, but don't make more demands on him than he already has to cope with.