Common-Law husband just up and left

You feel used? Good perception. You are being used.

You do nothing every night but worry about his health and stress? Good heavens, an attractive, fit 42 year old woman who is not in a committed relationship (and you aren't) should be able to find lots more interesting things to do than that.

This relationship is broken. Is it worth fixing? Doesn't sound like it to me, but if it is to you, consider couple counseling. He won't go? Go to counseling yourself and find out why you are putting up with being used. You deserve better.

Why is it that you 'love' him? He treats you as though you're his mom and he's a spoiled toddler.

Move along. Consider it a life lesson you've learned.

Give.up on him. BTW, "common law marriages" aren't that common. Do you even live in a state.where that occurs? If you don't think of yourself as having a legal tie to him maybe it will be easier to move. Try counseling if you need to have help in breaking off from a guy who has no time for you or any interest in being with you.

Instead of being compassionate, I sense that people are annoyed with me. How strange. I am in counseling., by the way! When you invest 14 years of your life with someone, it takes a while to just up & say "I quit." I don't have any strength right now, physically or mentally.  I just lost my mother a year ago, so not only am I still grieving, but I am also stressed, depressed and scared for my future. My spouse pays for everything. I have my cell phone in his name, we have bank accounts together, and share everything. It will take some time. I need to go back to work, which I haven't in a long time, because he has supported me, and I now take care of my dad now, who is very helpless and an elder himself. The relationship with my spouse used to be fun. We used to always travel, go out, go to dinner, snuggle, etc. He gave it all up for his parents, who are in their late 80s. He always tells me, "Wouldn't you have done the same for your parents?" I tell him of course I would, but I would at least visit more often. My FIL is almost completely bed bound. He wears an adult diaper, has to be spoon fed, and the only one who does anything to help him is my spouse. His siblings, the ones he has a relationship with do not help with the parents at all, even though they live in the same town, about four miles away.  It's in a border town, and everything is done at a turtle's pace there too.  Home health only comes by once every two weeks. All they do is check my FIL's blood pressure & sugar levels. They don't help bathe him, or anything like that. They said in order to get those kinds of benefits, my spouse would have to get a separate order from the doctor. Literally, my spouse is the only one taking care of two people. He  has tried to hire help, and the first woman he found stole a bunch of things from the house, then the second one keeps calling in sick. She hasn't even been there a month, and has already taken off for more than a week. My spouse won't get rid of her. He said he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. He also is the only one who knows how to give medication to his parents. His sister was left with that responsibility one time, and she ended up giving my FIL's meds to my MIL, and one of the meds was Seroquel. My 86-year old MIL fell on the floor, and the ambulance had to be called. Nobody is reliable down there.  By the way, I am in Texas, which does have common law marriages. I will describe my relationship differently. I am in a long-term relationship of 14 years. We lived together the whole time, minus when he left and never came back. We talk about three times an hour, and he always tells me, "I love you" before he hangs up. It is hard to let go, because I keep thinking about the good times we used to have, plus we have a lot of financial ties together, including shared property. 

Laurieann, I have family in TX and wondered if that's where you were from. It sounds like your husband made a choice (even though the situation did not demand it.)

It sounds like there is a lot of drama there in his family. First, do you want to be a part of that?

I am really sorry about your mom. You made a good point that her loss might be making you afraid of losing anyone else. Instead of thinking about "losing" your husband, why don't you instead start thinking of what you want for yourself, and start tryng to build that life? Just doing one thing at a time to make your house more your space, or getting accounts in your own name...it doesn't need to be one big swoop. Just little steps so that as things progress you will be ok whether he stays where he is or whether he gets his parents' situation under control and comes back.

Your husband has a choice to extricate himself from the situation. There may be assistance for them that would get them help in their home (though I've heard TX is behind in the times when it comes to healthcare programs -- not sure about social services.) He might be in crisis mode and not thinking about your feelings; it is good to give people a little leeway in those situations. I'm about the same age you are, though, and I feel like we are getting to that age with family and our own health where ---- starts to hit the fan, and it is hard to have a partner who can't hold your hand through rough times.

You do know that "common law" was abolished in every State? Since 1979. Far more than 14 years ago

Just so you know...he has no obligations to you. You don't even receive his social security benefit when you reach 65....cause you were not married.

Honestly, I believe that a commitment is marriage....anything else is just fine till he takes a walk.

I believe you are being used....and have been for 14 years. This is just the newest installment..

Info on Common Law Marriage in Texas:

TEXAS

Common Law Marriage: Yes. Requirements: (1) A man and woman who want to establish a common-law marriage must sign a form provided by the county clerk. In addition, they must (2) agree to be married, (3) cohabit, and (4) represent to others that they are married.
Same-Sex Marriage: No
Domestic Partnership / Civil Union: Same-sex and different-sex couples can register a domestic partnership in Travis County. You do NOT need to be a resident of the county to register.
Living Together/Cohabitation: Legal
State Bar Contact – Find A Lawyer: State Bar of Texas
Free or Low Cost Legal Services: Texas Law Help – Family Law

So, what did you expect as a response to what you're describing as basically intolerable? Hang in there? You were encouraged to make a positive move rather than be suffering beyond comprehension. You're right. Others may not be able to comprehend. Find a way to get the finances untangled and you'll start feeling empowered rather than begging to be taken in.

You are in a difficult place in your life now and I do feel compassion for you. You say you care for him yet he isn't meeting your needs and he tells you it's pretty much over between you two but then he tell's you he loves you. I think if he really wanted a relationship with you, he could find time to see you more even if he is taking care of his family. Sometimes couples fall into a situation where they just become a habit with each other and don't really have a true relationship. You can't expect him to fix your problems of loneliness and unhappiness, you must do that. Maybe ask him to set aside a specific time for the two of you to work through finalizing your breakup, to divide the assets up and then get on with your life. Look forward to sharing your life with someone who wants to be with you and stop looking at your past and how things once were between you and him. You are young enough to find a nice partner and enjoy a long, happy life with someone worthy of you.

Vegaslady, I don't expect anything from strangers online. I came on this forum to ask a question, and basically vent like everyone else that posts questions. That is what forums are for. Society as a whole don't understand why women, such as myself stay in miserable situations, like the one I am in. I don't even understand that much, and I am the one going through it. Low self esteem most likely is the root cause. I am thankful to say that I am in therapy now, and hopefully she can help me get the strength necessary to leave. Thank you for your response.

I know a young couple who had a gorgeous wedding last summer, and shortly after, he father had a stroke in a faraway state. They have been living apart for 6 months now! (but they have been together for 12 years.)

Laurieann, I can understand why you wouldn't want to call time on a long relationship that you valued.

I'm sorry for your loss of your mother. What are your plans (and his) for your father's care in future?

All I want to say about your CLH is this. He's a full-time caregiver. They don't do glamorous nights out. Either *help* him, or leave him, but don't make more demands on him than he already has to cope with.

While I agree with the advice you have already been given I have one more suggestion.

I want you to reread your post, every word of it. I want you to read it as if it were written by a woman you love, a sister, or a best friend perhaps. What would your advice to her be?

Angel

Countrymouse, our plans were to take care of my widowed dad in his home. My dad is a cardiac patient, but other than that, he is okay. He is very lonely without my mother, though and hasn't been coping well without her. He does not want me to move out of this house, which is really big. I guess it would feel even more awkward if nobody was in it since it is a big house. I realize my spouse is going through the worst time of his life down there taking care of his parents, but in a way, he is getting something out of it. He was neglected horribly when he was a kid, and now, his parents need him, and tell him, "thank you, son." He told me that it brings tears to his eyes, because he never felt wanted like that as a child. They really were horrible, neglecting parents. The thing I don't get is, he has another brother, and a sister who live right down there street from the parents. The brother works out of his home, and the sister doesn't work at all. She is a supposed "housewife" but all she does is play on Facebook all day, and pop Xanax pills. They don't help my husband at all with their parents. Also, the woman my husband hired was there when I went to visit last time. There was no excuse as to why he didn't want to spend that quality time with me. His parents weren't alone. Well, now, that woman quit with no notice, so he is back to square one finding someone. It is hard to describe our situation. I know that the right thing to do would be to end it, but I just cannot see myself actually going through with it, at least until I get fed up. I literally do everything for him, like paperwork, computer stuff, faxing, scanning, writing letters, etc. He relies on me for everything. I am basically his administrative assistant. It hasn't been a relationship in a long, long time. All of this might come to a screeching halt in the next few months anyway, because one of his brothers filed for guardianship on the parents, so he could steal the rest of their properties. The court is now getting an ad litem to investigate. Who knows. The court might give the parents rights away to a court appointed guardian, especially when they find out that the parents have assets. The courts can be just as greedy as family members. More drama, I suppose!

I was one of those horribly treated kids, severely abused. Yes, we eat up parental affirmation, but we also are either mean as snakes and also abuse people or very needy and likely to be used. I fall into the latter category and have to be careful to draw tight boundaries around me or I do too much for people and am strung along with words like, I could never have done this without you! The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud helped me tremendously - written from a Christian viewpoint, but not preachy to me.

I'm going to guess that woman was his local girlfriend. I'd have quit when my boyfriend's other girlfriend came too. It never occurred to you he's trying to get you there to tend his dad for him, like you do everything else for him?

LaurieAnne, try giving yourself a bit more positive affirmation. Your used to be (common-law) spouse gives the helper who calls in sick the benefit of the doubt but not you? We teach people how to treat us my dear. You have taught him that you'll do anything he wants and an "I love you" at the end of a phone call is enough to keep you around so you will continue to do anything he wants. Please think a little more of yourself.

If this man were posting instead of Laurieann I think the responses would look very different.

He's a scapegoat child seeking the (mythical, as we know too well) approval and acceptance that was always lacking. His parents have assets, and his siblings are circling. He's trying to keep a business going. He does need support, but whether or not he deserves it..?

Laurieann, you say for example that there was no reason he couldn't take that evening off. The very next sentence you say that the person he was relying on to provide cover quit without notice not long after. Well I think Surprise might be right - that actually local girlfriend had enough of him and walked - but in any case was she someone he could safely leave his parents with? Evidently not.

Meanwhile the lady (you) to whom he has proved unable to commit himself for some years - I hear "common law", I say "more fool you" - won't touch his family situation with a stick. Well, good decision there. But he does have a real, substantial situation to handle. And seriously you think he should be taking time out of it to wine and dine you?

There are men who are emotional disaster areas. They go through life leaving a trail of devastation in their wakes and wondering why all the women they "love" turn into hopeless lunatics. I have two good female friends I long to give a t-shirt with the slogan "C___ F____ - I survived!" and "N____ S_____ - never again!" Discarded but not fully detached partners, legitimate and illegitimate children in whose lives they continue to meddle damagingly while calling themselves good fathers. I can think of three I know personally without trying very hard, and they are charming, vulnerable monsters.

I can't tell whether you've got one of those on your hands, or if this is a damaged man who needs and deserves your selfless support if you are to build a lasting future together. But I think you must make up your mind which he is, and either run like the wind - *permanently* - or roll your sleeves up. One or the other. At the moment you're risking your own peace of mind, potentially throwing away more valuable time, and doing nothing to help him. Decision time.

Amen Countrymouse! Well said! There are so many men (and women) out there who are damaged and just want someone to come along and fix them.

So many relationships start out great and then suddenly one or both of the people start looking for what they never received from Mommy or Daddy or their last partner or whomever and the walls come crumbling down. Sad, but true.

The woman I speak of was in no way, shape or form his other girlfriend. She was an employee he hired to care for his parents. I can say with 100% certainty that he wasn't having an affair/relationship with this lady. She is an older lady, married with grown children, also about 250 pounds with a mustache. No way! She had been working at the house for about three weeks, but she started flaking out. I think she just couldn't handle the duties. His parents will drain even the strongest of people. She was changing my FIL's diaper, cleaning, cooking, etc. I just think she quit without notice, because the job was too much for her to handle. She had been highly recommended from a friend of my husband. He checked her references, etc. Her last job was working for a wealthy family, taking care of the grandmother for many years. I didn't expect my husband to drop caregiving duties to wine & dine me. I just wanted to spend an evening alone, away from his parents house, talking, watching tv, etc. Just being together overnight while the caregiver was there that week. She was hired for the week, then went home on the weekends. She didn't quit the weekend I was there, either. It was about two weeks afterwards. The week I visited, this caregiver lady was caring for his parents, and he didn't need to rush off for any reason. She had even encouraged him to spend time with his "senora." I liked her, alot! He told me that he felt bad, because he didn't want his mother to wake up, and have to drink coffee alone. He left the hotel at 4:30 in the morning. I was flabbergasted. But, again, maybe there is something there that I don't get. My therapist told me that she understands now why he is always there. It was because he was so neglected as a child. He has six siblings, and out of all these kids, my husband was the least favorite, yet, they always relied on him to help them, and to get them out of binds. He has the brains of the family too. As a matter of fact, years ago, he had left one of his brothers in charge or handling the parents care & finances, and this guy ended up exploiting the parents to his own advantage. That is why my husband has been in/out of court. When my husband discovered what his own older brother was doing with the parents money & properties, he went down there to investigate. Him, and his sister & other brother, along with their mother went to an elder attorney to see what could be done about this quit claim deed, etc. I think things would've been a lot smoother, if this brother hadn't jumped the gun and been so greedy. This guy is a piece of work. He quit claim deeded the property, then took control of his parents money, then his girlfriend took my 86 year old MIL into a home builder, so she could use her credit to buy a house for her daughter, etc. Now, this SAME brother hired himself an attorney, and filed a lawsuit on my husband, trying to get him away from their parents, so he can continue exploiting. He has bragged to numerous people in the neighborhood that he is going to be left everything in the will, and that he doesn't ever have to worry about retirement, because his dad "gave" him all the money in the bank. This is the same guy that just filed for guardianship. So, maybe just maybe if my husband can get this situation under control, and get this brother out of the picture, he will be able to get another caregiver in there to help, so he can come home, at least for a visit. We will see. I appreciate seeing other people's opinions on this.

660 words passionately defending your husband. Who is not your husband. And, apparently, sincere in your belief that your therapist understands and empathises with his victimhood; most therapists won't even explain their client's lives, let alone the lives of people they've never met.

Laurieann, all this about how draining the parents are, and the totally reliable highly experienced older lady with excellent references who walked out on him without notice, and the evil gloating brother...

You've seen all this, or you've heard it from your partner?

Do you ever wonder what he tells his parents about you?

I think I'm tending more to the "run like the wind" side. Ask your therapist to remind you about Stockholm Syndrome.

Laurieann, with all respect, he is not your "husband" and they are not your "in-laws". As disheartening as this sounds, let him go. If he loves you, he'll come back. Begin extracating yourself financially and try to move on.
This family drama is not yours to judge. He has made his choice, and it's pretty clear. Right now he doesn't have much to give to you, at least not what you want. Leave him alone. Walk away.
I hope your therapist is helping you build self esteem and self reliability. It is not the responsibility of our domestic partners- gay, straight, married or unmarried to define us. Find your own identity now, it's time to move on.
That adage is correct- if you love somebody set them free, if they don't come back they were never yours to begin with. Leave him alone and see what happens. At least you will know how this man with obvious commitment issues feels about you. Doesn't it worry you that he hasn't committed to you enough to make you his wife?
You still have a lot of time, Laurieann. 14 years is a drop in the bucket of life. Pick yourself up and move on.

I think the original poster is long gone but to clarify for those of you unfamiliar with Texas' common law marriages, they are marriages legally recognized by the state. It is the marriage without the wedding. It entitles people to be on each others' insurances, inherit property, etc. They filed the paperwork, are legally bound, and on top of that, it sounds like she helps her husband run a business so that adds extra complication to her predicament.

That's very interesting, Lindylu, thank you - filed under the heading of You Learn Something Every Day!

But if it's that legally binding why would you even feel the need to specify what sort of marriage it is? Are we sure this couple had done the paperwork?

I don't know why she worded it that way, but the relative who did this referred to it as a common law marriage too for awhile. (It was very confusing for the family because we all thought it was b.s., but it turned out to be a real thing.) You might be right -- who knows whether they filed the paperwork? (But if they did, I can see where it would be hard to make that break, especially if she feels like the guy is in a crisis.)

Ok. Here's the deal. There are at least three ways to be married in Texas. With a traditional civil ceremony 2) an Informal marriage where "paper work" is completed at the courthouse. No ceremony. 3) Common law marriage. This is where people "set up housekeeping" and represent themselves to be married to others. See below. All three require a divorce OR in the case of the common law marriage if they are separated for two years they are considered divorced.

Our friend, Laurie, who has been posting here stated that it would be two years in December that her husband has been gone.
She also said he wouldn't spend the whole night with her in the hotel. Stayed until 4:30. So, she's trying to stay married BUT to untangle their bank accounts etc they will probably need a divorce despite his best efforts.
FROM A LAWYERS AD.
Common law marriage is recognized in Texas and, should the spouses choose to separate, they can receive a divorce from their common law marriage. However, the rules for divorce for a common law marriage are slightly different than the rules for typical divorces.
Establishing Common Law Marriage
First of all, it is important to establish that you were actually in a common law marriage. To be valid, Texas common law marriages must meet the following requirements:
Both parties must have agreed to be married
The couple must have held themselves out to the community as husband and wife, either by introducing each other as husband and wife or by filing a joint income tax return
The couple must live as husband and wife
All three of these requirements must be met for a relationship to be considered a common law marriage. While many couples live with each other for extended periods of time, these couples are only considered married under common law if they also meet the first two requirements.
Filing for Common Law Divorce
Once it has been established that a common law marriage exists, the marriage may only be dissolved by filing for divorce. However, if a couple that is married under common law separates and an action for divorce is not filed within two years after the parties cease living together, it is presumed that they did not agree to be married in the first place.
If you are married under the common law and decide to separate from your spouse, it may seem simpler to just separate without filing for divorce, since your marriage will be considered non-existent if you remain separated for a period of two years. However, there may be many reasons to file for common law divorce, including the following:
Fair division of marital assets
Clear child custody orders
Determination of child support and spousal support
Once it has been determined that there is a common law marriage, the property division, child custody and support obligations upon divorce are the same as a civil marriage.

I just read this. The OP appears to be gone, but I feel for her. The man she has depended on for 14 years has told her that he is over her, and she is left taking care of her father, wondering what went wrong. And now the truth -- I wouldn't talk to a dog the way that some people on here talked to this hurting woman. Now some are going to jump on me like I've committed a terrible crime in saying this, but I don't care. Goodness, some of you need to stop using the group to jump on people and feel good doing it. Nuff said. This is a support group, not a group to show people how dumb they are being.

Laurie, if you are still out there, just pay attention to what your husband is saying and what he is doing. That will provide all the answers you need. Figure out how you're going to take care of yourself financially. TX has a lot of job opportunities, and you can work while watching out for your father. You are very important, so make sure you are building a life for yourself. Things can change when couples spend time apart. Often the changes can't be undone. If that is the case, take care of yourself financially and emotionally. I'm sorry you are going through this.

JessieBelle, thank you. I appreciate it. I am hurting, and I am not surprised at how people responded, either. The digital age has made people cold. I really don't care what they think of me. I was just venting, but thank you for taking up for me anyway.

Fourteen years is a long time to invest. I spent 13 years with my last husband in TX before he said he didn't want to be married anymore. I understand how you're feeling. When it is over, it feels like it would almost be better to be a widow. Then at least there would be the sympathy that goes with that.

Do you get the feeling that it is over? If it is, I guess the best thing is to find your feet and show him what a bad decision he made. I know it is hard to do when you're caregiving. But you're in TX, so it will come to you.

Laurie, I'm so sorry that you are in this painful situation.

You ended your initial post by saying you feel used. You stated that his parents come first and always will. You stated that the home he expects you to stay in is infested with vermin.

I don't want to cause you pain. But you are describing a person who has no boundaries with his parents. That isn't a good basis for an adult relationship.

Only you can decide how to handle this situation. I think it might be wise to seek some outside support in clarifying for yourself what your priorities are and what your next steps should be.

Looks like this man is trying to protect his inheritance by staying with parents. My opinion, if there is no legal "marriage" then you just need to walk away. I wouldn't want to get involved with his drama. You have responsibilities of ur own.