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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My aunt has dementia and it is getting worse. I am getting burned out. Her big thing is I am stealing her money which is very untrue I try proving it to her but still doesn't believe me. Boy stress is killing me
Oh Teep, this brings back unhappy memories. I HATED it when my husband went through a paranoia phase and accused me of stealing from him. It might sound crude, but Eddie is right. There is no value in arguing with someone who has dementia or other cognitive impairments. Logic doesn't matter to them.
Try to treat it like other delusions. Acknowledge Aunt's feelings and fears. Be supportive. Try to redirect the conversation. I know perfectly well this isn't easy and sometimes it doesn't work. But it is still the best approach I could come up with.
Is she accusing you of stealing money -- messing with her accounts, etc? When my husband did that I'd say, "Oh I'm so sorry that you are worried about our accounts. I'll get you the last few statements to review. When you find some entries that bother you I'll help you look into them. He would "study" the statements (sometimes with them literally upside down) until he got bored and went on to something else. Might something like that work with your aunt?
If it is things that have gone missing, use the same approach. "Oh Auntie! I am so sorry to hear that your lovely case for your glasses is missing. I know how much you like that. I haven't seen it lately, but let me help you look for it. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can spot something easier. While I'm looking, would you like to see this new magazine that just came?"
I don't predict perfect results. Just do your best. Here are some things that may help you stay a little calmer:
It isn't about you. This is a very common phase in dementia. People with lots of different kinds of dementia go through this. It is not about anything you did or could have done differently. It really isn't personal about you!
It will pass. My husband's accusations lasted several weeks. I honestly don't know how I would have survived it if they had continued indefinitely. Assure yourself that "this too will pass."
People with dementia tend to be a bit suspicious. They can't rely on their own memories of what happened, and that is scary to them. Some hide their valuables so the bad guys won't take them. Then they can't remember where they hid them or even that they did hide them, and that seems to confirm that there is someone bad taking things. Sigh. They tend to use the same hiding places, so once you find the eye-glass-case behind the soup cans, that is where you should look for the silver pen and the best scissors, too!
If you'd like more specific comments, please tell us more about your situation. Do you live with Aunt? How long has she had dementia? Do you have any idea what kind she has? What is your role in her life?
She has had dementia about 4 years now. She is like my mom then an aunt. I have lived with her since leaving my exhusband 42 years ago. Things are getting worse. She no longer can cook,shower alone( she has to be told what to do next) and has severe COPD.they have never really told me what kind she has.
Teep, Jeanne's advice was excellent. My mother has only accused two times of stealing something. I simply told her that I would never do that. It was truthful and I think reassuring. This may work with your aunt. There are different things that can work, depending on the personality.
I often have to help find articles that have been misplaced. Fortunately, I don't get accused of stealing them, but I can see how easily that can happen. It is easier to think that someone else is at fault than the faculties are failing. That is a scary thought to a person with dementia.
I am glad you are there for your aunt. It is nice how these things work out. She was there for you and now you're helping her. I do hope it doesn't get too hard. You've come to a good place for advice and talking about things.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Try to treat it like other delusions. Acknowledge Aunt's feelings and fears. Be supportive. Try to redirect the conversation. I know perfectly well this isn't easy and sometimes it doesn't work. But it is still the best approach I could come up with.
Is she accusing you of stealing money -- messing with her accounts, etc? When my husband did that I'd say, "Oh I'm so sorry that you are worried about our accounts. I'll get you the last few statements to review. When you find some entries that bother you I'll help you look into them. He would "study" the statements (sometimes with them literally upside down) until he got bored and went on to something else. Might something like that work with your aunt?
If it is things that have gone missing, use the same approach. "Oh Auntie! I am so sorry to hear that your lovely case for your glasses is missing. I know how much you like that. I haven't seen it lately, but let me help you look for it. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can spot something easier. While I'm looking, would you like to see this new magazine that just came?"
I don't predict perfect results. Just do your best. Here are some things that may help you stay a little calmer:
It isn't about you. This is a very common phase in dementia. People with lots of different kinds of dementia go through this. It is not about anything you did or could have done differently. It really isn't personal about you!
It will pass. My husband's accusations lasted several weeks. I honestly don't know how I would have survived it if they had continued indefinitely. Assure yourself that "this too will pass."
People with dementia tend to be a bit suspicious. They can't rely on their own memories of what happened, and that is scary to them. Some hide their valuables so the bad guys won't take them. Then they can't remember where they hid them or even that they did hide them, and that seems to confirm that there is someone bad taking things. Sigh. They tend to use the same hiding places, so once you find the eye-glass-case behind the soup cans, that is where you should look for the silver pen and the best scissors, too!
If you'd like more specific comments, please tell us more about your situation. Do you live with Aunt? How long has she had dementia? Do you have any idea what kind she has? What is your role in her life?
Welcome to the forums.
I often have to help find articles that have been misplaced. Fortunately, I don't get accused of stealing them, but I can see how easily that can happen. It is easier to think that someone else is at fault than the faculties are failing. That is a scary thought to a person with dementia.
I am glad you are there for your aunt. It is nice how these things work out. She was there for you and now you're helping her. I do hope it doesn't get too hard. You've come to a good place for advice and talking about things.