Hello im 20 years old and im starting to hate my dad more and more as every day goes by, i am not spoilt at all, my dad never took care of me properly, always shouted because i was never good enough yet my lazy brother got everything he wanted, my dad has a girlfriend who was more than half his age and she was awful to me and it got so bad that i moved out at 16 and got a job and my own home, without any help from benefit systems, now my problem is that my dad has never worked properly, always squanded his money on alcohol and rubbish and he doesnt pay tax or national insurance and never has payed it, he is very demanding on me and expects me to sort all his mess out, but im worried about what is gonna happen when he gets older because he wont have any pension just a load of debt and he expects me to take care of him but after everything he has done to me i dont think i will have it in me to take care of him, pay all his debts and buy him everything he needs but on the other hand i wont be able to stand by and watch him starve.
Go volunteer somewhere so you aren't conveniently home (may lead to a job)
He is a Narc and you are codependent which means you do whatever, take what he dishes out and he is bashing your self-worth.
55 is young. He acts stupidly because you let him.
Shoot, I am 59 and expect I will live till I'm 100. I ride horses, hike, climb, shoot guns, play with the kids. Go to church and teach Sunday School etc. This 'father' is a blood sucking leach. Is his entire family like this? Talk to one of your aunts or uncles if you have any for support. Your mother was wise in getting rid of him.
Stop letting him behave this way. You need some 'balls' as my 24 year old daughter would say.
Take action and not a 'try' (whine whine) Do it! Do it! Do it!
I live with a NARC. I am learning to not be codependent. If I can do it, you can too.
So go Do it! :D
People like your father are life suckers. They are toxic. They are users. The other hope you have of ever having a wonderful life of your own is to disappear!
It took me until age 52 to kick my mother out of my life, do not be me!
And everyone else is correct. His problems are not yours. He created them; he should deal with them. Find free counseling somewhere, either at an Al-Anon meeting or a church. You need to feel needed and wanted, not enslaved.
I am doing this because I really prayed and God gave me a specific command which I cannot ignore! so I am her caregiver... and I am told by so many that I am doing an outstanding job! I am very glad to hear that because it was difficult since I had to get over all the hurt she caused me growning up. Forgiveness... it is more for us than the person we are forgiving. I have read studies that say unforgiveness causes illness!
Mom was the master of manipulation but once I caught on to her tactics I was able to do end runs around her. That made her a little mad but she soon got over it. I got the local Elder Services to do for her, along with one of the relatives to help out with doing her groceries. I even ran up against opposition from my own daughter because of that when actually, it was none of her business.
I guess what I want to say, is decide what your boundaries need to be, set them and do not deviate from them If he tries to manipulate, learn the signs of his manipulation... they are there, figure out a way around and beat him at his own game. Don't stand for his abuse... that is what it is! Elders do abuse their caregivers... there is a lot of those cases on this website.
Having a tender heart is a tough thing to live with sometimes, but... I can see the value of it here. If it was not for this I would not be able to care for Mom, I would be very resentful and I am not. I just told myself she is not mentally stable, has some warped views of life and I have learned to deal with it.
Just an FYI, my dad was an abuser in another way... but I had to forgive him as well, and I did this by telling myself over and over again, he is a very VERY sick man. there is a family history that plays into this and I have chalked it up to that. I have shared more than I ever have here... but you do what your heart is telling you to do, but set YOUR boundaries, let him know firmly what they are, and stick to your decisions.
You sound like a very loving person. So it would be hard to stand by and watch someone not take care of themselves and want to do it ourselves! But at 20, it is time for you to follow whatever dreams you have for yourself. Your dad may have to figure some of these things out on his own...perhaps that is the wake up call he needs! If you feel you must do something, then keep some notes handy of agencies in the area that may be able to help if he needs it. You are young and need to look at what life has to offer for you. You can still love someone (your dad) without having to be responsible for them. Sending you good thoughts and wishes!
Sorry to be so blunt, but there is only so much you can do. Keep yourself or get yourself off of any joint financial entanglements with Dad and you should not have to ever be responsible for his debts...some states are trying to make children responsible for care arrangements, you may want to look at the legalities on that where you live.
Dad's poor choices are not your problem. You will not have to watch him starve. Our society has safety nets for people like him -- and for your benefit, to make sure that his bad decisions are not solely your problem (you did nothing to deserve the entire burden.)
You need to disengage from the situation. As others have said, stop enabling him. You don't mean to contribute to his poor behavior, but that is the effect of you bailing him out of his messes.
Your profile says you are taking care of your grandmother. Does this prevent you from moving out of the area? Is Grandmother paying you? Do you have another job? If you provide some additional information perhaps we can give you some specific help. But I think the advice you've gotten so far is spot-on.
You owe him nothing.