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Hello im 20 years old and im starting to hate my dad more and more as every day goes by, i am not spoilt at all, my dad never took care of me properly, always shouted because i was never good enough yet my lazy brother got everything he wanted, my dad has a girlfriend who was more than half his age and she was awful to me and it got so bad that i moved out at 16 and got a job and my own home, without any help from benefit systems, now my problem is that my dad has never worked properly, always squanded his money on alcohol and rubbish and he doesnt pay tax or national insurance and never has payed it, he is very demanding on me and expects me to sort all his mess out, but im worried about what is gonna happen when he gets older because he wont have any pension just a load of debt and he expects me to take care of him but after everything he has done to me i dont think i will have it in me to take care of him, pay all his debts and buy him everything he needs but on the other hand i wont be able to stand by and watch him starve.

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lost, it is a bad situation when you watch someone make poor choices. There are safety nets in place, so you will not have to be responsible on down the road. When it comes time you can look into the options available for your father. You can provide for his care by seeing that he is cared for in a suitable environment. This doesn't mean you have to provide hands-on care or financial support. What I hope is that he'll see the light between now and when he gets old so that he will be better able to arrange things for himself. Until then, try not to worry. There are programs in place to help.
(3)
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As for now, you should stop being an enabler and let him face the consequences of his actions. So don't fix his messes. If alcohol is part of his problem, you should consider joining an Al-Anon group for help with setting your boundaries, i.e. the behavior/treatment that you will and won't accept. At 55, it's not too late for your father to stepup/growup and take responsibility, but you probably need some support to step away. Al-Anon could be that support for you. If there is not one in your town, there is probably a webstie with helpful info. Good luck! You have a window of opportunity - grab it!
(6)
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Move far, far away and change your phone number. No forwarding address and start over. You owe this guy nothing. He is a bum and will probably always be a bum. You deserve a life, especially doing what you have done for yourself so far. I wish you well, get all of the help for yourself that you can. Make a life for yourself and stay away from him. He is most likely never going to change and if he does, let him initiate a relationship with you. And he must be on his very best behavior at all times.He must earn the right to be in your life, not the other way around. You sound as if you are a very strong young woman. Someone, someday will value you but be sure to value yourself as well.

You owe him nothing.
(6)
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I totally agree with tooyoung - Don't be an enabler! No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. So stop allowing it. He is an adult, and just because he didn't/won't make good choices, doesn't mean it's your problem to fix. As long as you keep bailing him out, he'll keep coming to you expecting more help. Go to AA and get some advice and support. It can give you great insight as to what you're dealing with and sure can't hurt. Good luck!
(3)
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You've gotten good advice. He sounds like a narcissistic man, bordering on abusive - at least emotionally. DO NOT STAND FOR IT. You have your own life to live - worrying about what "might" happen to him years down the road is only putting up a roadblock in the path of YOUR life. Let him reap the consequences of his bad choices and behaviors - they are NOT your fault and they are NOT your problem. He will find someone to manipulate into helping him down the road - those types always do - just don't let it be you.
(3)
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Notice how consistent the first six answers are? That is because they are all right!

Dad's poor choices are not your problem. You will not have to watch him starve. Our society has safety nets for people like him -- and for your benefit, to make sure that his bad decisions are not solely your problem (you did nothing to deserve the entire burden.)

You need to disengage from the situation. As others have said, stop enabling him. You don't mean to contribute to his poor behavior, but that is the effect of you bailing him out of his messes.

Your profile says you are taking care of your grandmother. Does this prevent you from moving out of the area? Is Grandmother paying you? Do you have another job? If you provide some additional information perhaps we can give you some specific help. But I think the advice you've gotten so far is spot-on.
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Somehow, you have become a responsible and thoughtful person. You can take a little pride in that, especially since Dad was only a model of how NOT to do it! Serioulsy, go to Al-Anon and get support and a sounding board on what you can and can't do to help someone who is an addict and not at all in recovery. I have just watched a dear friend lose her husband to alcohol and substance abuse that finally caught up with him, then accelerated after he decided to leave her and pursue his addictions full time with other people as sick as he was...What I am saying between the lines here, is that Dad may not make it to 85 or even 70 if his ways do not change, so you may not have to worry about his old age at all. In the meantime, there is inevitable pain and grief inflicted on you and anyone else who loves him, which of course is not fair, but we are each for better or worse given the capacity to help or to harm others by what we do with our own lives (and often don't realize what kind of an impact we have - you have probably heard more than once something to the effect of "its my life and I will do as I please with it, get off my back", right?)

Sorry to be so blunt, but there is only so much you can do. Keep yourself or get yourself off of any joint financial entanglements with Dad and you should not have to ever be responsible for his debts...some states are trying to make children responsible for care arrangements, you may want to look at the legalities on that where you live.
(1)
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Thankyou all for your help, i dont think he is a alcohoic he does out to the pub about 4 days a week but then whines about the fact he has no money, he is the most selfish person i have ever met, yesterday a friend of mine died and all he said is oh why are you so moody now, get over i need a bill writing, i live next door to him and there is no escaping until i can find a full time job because the rent here is only 80 pounds a week including bills which is very good in this day and age, i do stay put because i am close to my nan and no she doesnt pay me, my mum is her main carer and i just help out to give my mum a break (my parents are divorved and havnt spoken in 15 years) i just feel i will never be free, he comes round about 5 times a day and bangs on the door until i answer, if i dont answer he will just ring and ring and ring my phone until i answer, he calls my house his office, i feel like im just his property, recently i injured my back so i had to stay in bed and he kept knocking on the door shouting at me calling me lazy and that im sat on my fat arse cos i was unwell, yet its ok for him to lay in bed till 4pm cos he has a hangover. im lost and i dont think i will ever escape.
(0)
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Lost, would you put up with that crap from anyone else? I hate to say it, but your father is behaving like a stalker. I understand that you feel "trapped" having to live where you are due to your finances, but you DO NOT have to put up with the continuous harrassment from your father. You really do need to draw a line in the sand and make it clear he is not welcome at your home unless you invite him over. Let him stand there and knock on your door until his knuckles are bloody - eventually he'll give up - better yet, maybe a neighbor or two will call the police on him! He's going to drive you into the mental ward if you don't learn to stand up for yourself - you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!
(3)
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i know what you meen but he has violent tendencies so i get scared that he will get violent, its such a hard situation because the house i have is mine but he owns the land it is on so if i "step out of line" in his mind he threatens to kick me out and then i duno what i would do,i just cross my fingers that a full time job will appear soon.so i can afford a new place.thankyou all
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and there isnt any neighbours so that wouldnt be possible sadly
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It sounds like you are not writing from the USA, yes? Are you sure about the situation with the house/land? Have you sought local legal advice about this situation? Don't wait for a full time job to "appear". You have to hitch up your wagon (metaphorically at least) and get the H-ll out of this situation!
(4)
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lost 123 My daughter and I can relate to this problem. My ex is a functioning alcoholic, gambler, and mentally abusive. My daughter moved in with him when she was 16 and thought because she was taking advanced psych courses through school she could help her Dad. But it became apparent that he didn't want any help and she moved back with me. I had warned her but she had to find out on her own. Now she is wiser for the experience. I have not conversed with this man in over five years. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him either. He has never done anything to help her, he has only instilled her with guilt, resentment, anxiety and stress. Because of his alcohol abuse he has the mentality of a small child and needs to be watched constantly. He is prone to not properly using the bathroom facilities, and unsafe practices with cigarettes. He has been arrested numerous times and right now is out on probation. The courts have ordered him to get a job and to seek help for his alcohol abuse. However he still drinks but now has a job. He has destroyed everybodies life that he has touched including his immediate family. People like this do not care about you or your feelings. They only want that next drink. The best way to protect yourself from this person is to cut off all contact. You can get updates from relatives about them but stay clear of personal contact with that person. There is no reason that you need to get psychological therapy because of physical and mental abuse from your father. Just consider him a sperm donor and move on. Your doing very good for yourself and you don't need him. You are a success by yourself and you should be proud of yourself. I know this may seem very cold and callus but you are important too. Save yourself.
(1)
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Dear Lost123,
You sound like a very loving person. So it would be hard to stand by and watch someone not take care of themselves and want to do it ourselves! But at 20, it is time for you to follow whatever dreams you have for yourself. Your dad may have to figure some of these things out on his own...perhaps that is the wake up call he needs! If you feel you must do something, then keep some notes handy of agencies in the area that may be able to help if he needs it. You are young and need to look at what life has to offer for you. You can still love someone (your dad) without having to be responsible for them. Sending you good thoughts and wishes!
(2)
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I too know what you are going through. My elderly mother did some horrible things to me when I was young and she continued as I got older, showed favoritism to both my sister and brother; sis tried to steal all of her money while talking her into building a new home on their property. This house ended up being HUGE! and Mom had no say into any of that yet she paid (SIS & BIL did this) then... they told her they were moving to another state, she was going with them. She did not want to, they told her she would have to find another place to live... her home - built on their property, they never turned the title to the home over to her so she had no choice but to get out. when she did find a new place to live, they gave her two weeks to get out...! Then there is my brother who said he didn't care who took care of her as long as he didn't have to... even when he found out sis was stealing her money. So that left me... to pick up the slack and care for mom.
I am doing this because I really prayed and God gave me a specific command which I cannot ignore! so I am her caregiver... and I am told by so many that I am doing an outstanding job! I am very glad to hear that because it was difficult since I had to get over all the hurt she caused me growning up. Forgiveness... it is more for us than the person we are forgiving. I have read studies that say unforgiveness causes illness!
Mom was the master of manipulation but once I caught on to her tactics I was able to do end runs around her. That made her a little mad but she soon got over it. I got the local Elder Services to do for her, along with one of the relatives to help out with doing her groceries. I even ran up against opposition from my own daughter because of that when actually, it was none of her business.
I guess what I want to say, is decide what your boundaries need to be, set them and do not deviate from them If he tries to manipulate, learn the signs of his manipulation... they are there, figure out a way around and beat him at his own game. Don't stand for his abuse... that is what it is! Elders do abuse their caregivers... there is a lot of those cases on this website.
Having a tender heart is a tough thing to live with sometimes, but... I can see the value of it here. If it was not for this I would not be able to care for Mom, I would be very resentful and I am not. I just told myself she is not mentally stable, has some warped views of life and I have learned to deal with it.
Just an FYI, my dad was an abuser in another way... but I had to forgive him as well, and I did this by telling myself over and over again, he is a very VERY sick man. there is a family history that plays into this and I have chalked it up to that. I have shared more than I ever have here... but you do what your heart is telling you to do, but set YOUR boundaries, let him know firmly what they are, and stick to your decisions.
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I know the rent seems to be right, but is it worth having your father abuse his parental relationship in this way? Find a room to rent on the other side of town or find a room mate to share the rent on something bigger. If you have someone else in the household and your father had to travel farther, perhaps your father wouldn't feel so free to lay on the abuse. If he becomes violent and strikes you or damages property, call the authorities just like he was a stranger.

And everyone else is correct. His problems are not yours. He created them; he should deal with them. Find free counseling somewhere, either at an Al-Anon meeting or a church. You need to feel needed and wanted, not enslaved.
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Lost123, congratulations for having made it through your teens without CPS help. You are not responsible for your father. If he has been a long-time drunk, he probably won't make it to his 80's, so all your worrying is for not. Why do you want to help someone who mistreated you? If a father had a girlfriend and she mistreated a child, as a case mgr. with CPS, I would have either had the dad not have the girlfriend in the house or move the child to a safer home. You do not deserve to continue to be abused. So live your life to the fullest, get married, have your own family, and vow never to mistreat your family. That is the best you can do. Your father is on his own...
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I agree with ferris1, but I would add : get your education, develop yourself so that IF and when you get married, you may have a better chance at life. Become the smartest, strongest person you can be on your own. It is important if you want to attract a different quality of person you may end up with. My cynical realism. :) xo
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Lost123, since you say pub, nan and mum, you must be in England or Ireland. Surely there are legal rights for someone, who "owns" the house and pays rent (for the land?). Here in the US it wouldn't matter if you are related, in that type of situation you would have tenant rights. One right being that landlords can't harass or threaten their tenants. If you are not familar with your rights, check to see if there is a free legal clinic or an attorney (barrister), who would do a low cost consultation. Here we would call the American Bar Association for a that kind of referral. If he gets violent, call the cops, because again, it should not matter that he is your father.
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He's just 55 (only a year older than me and 4 years younger than my husband who works full time). He's not sick, he hasn't got any crippling ailment nor does he have dementia. I would tell him he has to go to work and sort it out himself. He must grow up now so he'll have a pension later. He won't starve. If he gets hungry enough, he'll go to a feeding program to eat or he'll get a job or some benefits. Steer clear of him for now- a little tough love is what he needs. Can you move? If you can, move, don't give him the address or phone number. He has to grow up and there is no reason for you to be supporting him or treating him like he's an old sick man.
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Seriously, you MUST find another place to live. Sell the house!
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I won't bother reading what everyone else has written. I will STRONGLY STRONGLY ADVISE moving across country before the time comes that your father attempts to suck the life and money out of you. You owe him NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL. Move far away and do not be found by any member of your family who might coerce you into coming back to care for him!!!

People like your father are life suckers. They are toxic. They are users. The other hope you have of ever having a wonderful life of your own is to disappear!

It took me until age 52 to kick my mother out of my life, do not be me!
(3)
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55 is still young meaning that your dad is young enough to care for himself. As soon as you can move out, MOVE and do not look back. He has done enough harm to you and he does not deserve your caring. All the best to you.
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Are you serious? He doesn't have the balls to kick you off the land. You are young and inexperienced. In 5 years you wouldn't be like this. You would be mature. So act like you are 25 and NOT a little girl. Stop sticking up for him! would be a good beginning.
Go volunteer somewhere so you aren't conveniently home (may lead to a job)
He is a Narc and you are codependent which means you do whatever, take what he dishes out and he is bashing your self-worth.
55 is young. He acts stupidly because you let him.
Shoot, I am 59 and expect I will live till I'm 100. I ride horses, hike, climb, shoot guns, play with the kids. Go to church and teach Sunday School etc. This 'father' is a blood sucking leach. Is his entire family like this? Talk to one of your aunts or uncles if you have any for support. Your mother was wise in getting rid of him.
Stop letting him behave this way. You need some 'balls' as my 24 year old daughter would say.
Take action and not a 'try' (whine whine) Do it! Do it! Do it!
I live with a NARC. I am learning to not be codependent. If I can do it, you can too.
So go Do it! :D
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