My mother had a massive stroke May 9th and we're on day 65 of rehab after a hospital stay. My father had a stroke 10 years ago and needs help with personal care. They live in VA. I live in OH. I've been in VA the entire time, staying with my father and helping him and staying with my mother during most of the day. My mother is paralyzed on her left side, can't sit without help, can be transferred from chair to chair and is just now getting used to using the toilet again. We are planning on moving them to a small assisted living facility facility near us in OH. I tried everything I could think of to find workers to come to my home to care for them but it was impossible. Place after place, person after person didn't come through. I'm not sure if they will take my mother. We have 35 more days, only about 26 of those will be therapy. I don't know what I will do if she can't go to assisted living. In the meantime, I have them both to care for,(even though I don't care for every need, they are always waiting anxiously for me and have many things they wish me to do for them, including laundry, cleaning, handling finances and medical things) their house to pack up and try to sell, medical and financial things to transfer and get in place. And I have a family still at home. The stress for me has been awful, but my 15 year old daughter now weighs 98 pounds, most probably from the stress of the last 3 months. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel when they move because it will mean handling many things for them (a 45 min drive from my home) and constant stress for my daughter.
Just feeling at the end of a frayed rope and knowing it's probably not going to get any better.
Please keep hope, because one they are settled in to a place where they can get proper care, the stress on you should diminish. Yes, there is always the responsibility you have as their adult child. You are still responsible for making decisions and ensuring they have what they need, but, it's not as intensive. It took me a couple of months to adjust. It really is like recovering from a trauma. Be kind to yourself and learn to allow others to help. I hope it works out well for you all.
Assisted living does not sound as though it is the right solution as neither can look after the other but a shared room in a nursing home close to you could work well. Good luck with whatever you choose just remember to take care of yourself.