My Mom just went into a small group home and she is not happy about not living with my husband and I. In the past 6 weeks, she was hospitalized with pneumonia, a heart attack and then she had a stroke. She doesn't think it is a big deal that when she was with us, my husband and I never were out of the house at the same time because we did not think it was safe to leave her alone.
She has been in the group home for 3 weeks. There is not much interaction among the residents because of low acuity. The caregivers are wonderful and give her plenty of attention.
I visit every day for about 2 - 3 hours. However, Mom does not think this is enough. She thinks I should spend all day every day with her because I am retired and "have nothing else to do". As it is, I feel drained when I leave her. We have no other relatives in the area so she has no other visitors. I have a brother who lives out of state and he has not seen her for 2 years.
Do you think I am being selfish or is she having unreasonable demands? In all honesty, I have a lifetime of not living up to her expectations.
I don't know what it is about these parents, especially mothers - thinking they should have decades of leisure in retirement to enjoy themselves, then as soon as they're not able to do it anymore, their children should immediately give up their own retirement years to tend to their every wish and whim. It's unbelievably selfish.
I think it would be a good idea for you to cut the duration of your visits in half, for starters. In my opinion, you would benefit from spending time with and on yourself and with and on your husband. It takes 3 weeks to form a new habit.
Have you asked your husband what he thinks?
I use to visit my Dad every day after he moved into Independent Living from his single family home, this move was his choice... I thought it would be quite a shock going from a house into an apartment.... but he adjusted quickly and now likes being his own boss :) I have cut back on the visits.
I understand that judgmental attitude by some elders toward people who aren't identical in all respects. My Mom was that way. I remember her in the nursing home telling the Aides to "speak English" when they were, but it was with an accent. Of course, Mom couldn't understand anyone with a Southern or even Boston accent.... [sigh]. I think if we ourselves never thought that way, hopefully we won't act that way when we are much older.