I am so fed up. In many ways, I am the luckiest girl alive. I have a guy who will rope the moon if I asked and does everything in the world to make me happy.
And in some important ways, I can’t imagine anyone unluckier than me.
I don’t know how I ended up 49yo, unable to work earlier because of two autistic kids, and then after a good career, now unable to work because of two 80 yo parents who decided they’d like to fill the shoes my kids left empty except they’re not my kids and they’re not cute.
Between ten specialists for dad, and three for mom, breaking up their fights nonstop both physical and verbal, driving around hunting down an old man who keeps taking off after fights expecting I’ll find him, and neither of them understanding a thing doctors tell them so I have to drive them to every appointment and be there for EVERYTHING… I feel like I’m going to die soon if I continue doing this.
Just 2.5 years ago, I moved them to me in NV from CA because my dad was on oxygen 24 hours per day and admitted to the hospital constantly due to CHF — a condition he’d apparently had for ten years except he didn’t understand when he was diagnosed, so I didn’t know for ten years until I finally went to a cardiology appointment with him. I visited often enough when I lived 7-8 hours away but only for a few days at a time because it’s draining being around their fighting. I didn’t even realize the depth of how he had deteriorated mentally as well.
In one month, I sold off their lives and listed their house and moved them closer to me because I KNEW my dad was going to die and if that happened, my mom would likely dig in and refuse to move.
I got them their new place, found every reputable specialist in NV, including getting him into the Cleveland Clinic for his neurological issues, and began to manage his plethora of fatal health problems and managed their entire lives.
And he got better. He got better and didn’t die, because Mom and I dedicated everything to getting him better despite the odds, and he lived. The better he got, the worse he became as a person. At least if he couldn’t breathe well — he was in bed and quiet.
The level of energy these two have to battle it out is unbelievable. Without going into detail, I’ll just say it’s bad. And somewhere along the way in the last two decades, these two feel they need to tell me every detail of how awful the other one is. In the last two years, it’s almost like they tell me just to see if I’ll side with the one doing the tattling. (And in 99% of the case, it’s my dad who is completely wrong and beyond reasoning, but only he doesn’t see it.)
I do more than enough.
Every single thing they need, I have to find and make happen. I read every one of their mail and every time my dad decides he found a better deal for his insurance or a car loan or a mortgage, I’m the one who has to clean it up. Their cell phones act up - call me. Their TVs don’t work - call me. iPads die — call me. Got a phone call — tell the caller to call me. Drug store claims some drug isn’t available — “call my daughter.” It’s me for everything except grocery shopping.
This isn’t a life. They’ve taken my life hostage and my life with my guy and my dogs….it just happens when I have moments leftover.
My heart beats out of my chest, and my pulse is so wild you can see it in my neck. I feel like I can’t breathe. I ended up having two stents put in due to 100% blockage and have been diagnosed with diabetes.
Tonight, I was just screaming and screaming at my dad after having found him walking the streets going nowhere after they duked it out, when I was called to find him — and felt like something burst in my head and for a couple of hours, the eyesight in my right eye had a white flash in it. I’m OK now but can’t catch my breath.
I am falling apart and at this rate they will outlive me. I never agreed to give them my whole life. I shouldn’t have to.
Parents just aren’t supposed to be like this.
You do not need that nonsense and it is bad for your mental, physical and marrriagable live.
I do believe you can force your parents into care facility if they are declared incapacitated. You will need to get this documentation from the doctors so start now.
in my situation it too FOREVER. All the doctors did not want to give me this documentation even when it was obvious my mom could not take care of herself. Then to make it even more difficult to get this documentation, there was stupid clause in the trust that stated “incapacity had to be determined by a committee of two doctors and a priest. (My parents never took us to church once, so don’t know where that came from).
after months of fighting with the doctors and hours and hours of driving back and forth between her home and mine, numerous doctor appointments I finally got the letters from two of her doctors. But that didn’t help much because no facilities were accepting patients due to Covid.
whatever you decide you will do, start now with the lawyer. This is a long lengthy process to place someone in care facility (at least it was for me).
At least when your loved one is in a facility they have multiple personnel and tools and equipment to help. This is not a one person job and you have two people to care for.
good luck . I hope you find some relief soon.
His various and serious medical problems are not going to improve much, if at all. He may need hospitalization for any one of them soon. If he does, make sure any physician who sees him knows of the vascular dementia diagnosis and which doctor made that diagnosis. This might be another chance for you to find more appropriate care for him. Emphasize that you cannot care for him at home and that you fear for your mother's safety (don't forget to mention this)! If he is admitted to the hospital, ask to see a Social worker there. And don't let any of them intimidate you! Covid or not!
Don't neglect your own health. You cannot, if you are going to tackle these problems. (You will still need to decide about Mom). Many here will be thinking of you and praying for you!
I do believe placing my dad in memory care probably caused him to die earlier than he would have. To me the blame is on my mom for that. He died in 2019 after 3 years in the facility. Now I am stuck with her but through some good fortune I was able to get the house sold in 2020, and because of her alcohol relapses she ended up in ER/hospital/skilled nursing/assisted living. Unfortunately the physical & occupational therapists have spent all of 2021 bringing her from wheelchair, to rigid walker, to rollator, and now a cane. Last year at this time she was in a wheelchair in memory care babbling nonsense, and now she is walking and wanting to live independently again.
I am not sure me or my marriage will survive another miraculous recovery on her part. I will be 55 in February. I have been stepping in and dealing with their sh*t since 2009.
I agree, parents are absolutely not supposed to be like this. I never imagined either one of my parents would end up living a decade, or possibly two, in such a state. A middle-aged person should not have to sacrifice health, career, marriage, happiness for unending years. This is not the way it was supposed to be. It's not like caring for a child. If my mom lives to the same age as her mom, this will continue until I am 71. So yes she will probably outlive me.
Withoit knowing your situation, I hate to give you my advice but it sounds like they would be better off in an assisted living situation where others can step in and help them. Is there a financial reason that they are not going into assisted-living? Are they refusing to go into assisted living?
perhaps now is the time to put your foot down and stop doing the things that you’ve been doing to enable them to be so dependent on you. Once they realize their needs are not being met, maybe they will come to the realization that assisted-living is what’s best for them. You could also tell them that you will not be a part of the situation if the fighting continues. This is not fair to you! I don’t think there’s any easy answer because I’m sure you love your parents and you want to help them. Walking away is probably not the right thing to do either, but stepping back a little might be what you need to do.