I don't have it as bad as I thought I did.

I have only posted once before but I too want to say how thankful i am for this site. Which I read almost daily. I take care of my mother. And,have been since 2000. But, I have been takeing care of her in my home for five years. And it's hard. My husband and adult son helps all the time. But, they work and I'm here all the time. My mother will be 92 in Dec. She has some physcial issues but is able to take care of herself basically. She can't wash her back or her feet. She can't cook for her self. But like the person in the frist post says. I come here and see how blessed I really am. Thank you for being here.

After coming to this site, I realize that I do not have it as tough as it could be. Sure, it's still tough, but others have it a lot tougher than me. God bless us all.

Thank you so much for the reminder that I really don't have it very bad. My life will probably be forever changed until my mom goes to her eternal home, but she still can say, "I love you, Baby" and I know that she still knows that I am her baby girl. Some time we need a jolt of reality and all the comments I have read today helped me to see that. It is so wonderful to be able to talk to others who know how your heart hurts some days and how you feel so unappreciated, but help me, Lord, to always see the positives in this journey. Hugs to all of you out there.

Has anyone dealt with legal hassles....i.e. preparing for medicaid, credit cards, bank accounts, ect., exploitation of these things? My Mom had a stroke 5 months ago and stays with me. Her husband as well 4-5 days a week until this week. He has dementia. His family took him away, lying to Doctor that he only had symptoms when he was here. They won't let him come here to visit...said my Mom would have to go there (hour away), he doesn't call which is very unlike him - not his usual routine, and when my Mom calls they blame any reaction (symptoms) on her. One of the last calls, he said "well I guess maybe I'll get to see you some time or other"...says alot coming from him. They know she can't dial a phone so someone is there and I've taken the precaution of using the speaker phone. With other problems with the daughter, I was wise enough to make sure to have someone here all the time...family, care giver on referral from Home Health and housekeeper each two days a week, Home Health in once a week, and therapy by two therapists two days a week here. Plus my oldest daughter who works in the medical field was here all summer and my younger daughter and granddaughter (lives with me) as well. Someone called APS about her husband and of course was blamed for that. None of us did. But APS never called or came by here so figure it may have been someone who is coming into our home for my Mom, and that made matters worse with the daughter. There's also a trust with his two kids, with my Mom in it as well, and know there are details in it if we could get a copy, that may show alterior motive. His daughter took financials out of the house, took over the credit cards, warning signs and unexplained debits in their bank account so bank canceled his debit card. Daughter refuses to show my Mom bill statements as well as give any copies....I have an online account for their banking so can see the money going out, blocked from making online payments....One discover alone about $6000 in payments for what???, payment over $700 to an account that has never shown up on their account before, and couple thousand in debits to the account before debit card was canceled. Lady taking care of her husband bought a house from him....she documents and pays herself out of her cash house payment money and is saving the remainder of the cash money for an "emergency" fund for the daughter. No copies of that either. The previous payments were paid in cash by this lady to my Mom's husband. The daughter claims my Mom took the money before the stroke, i.e. why she says she "looked over" the financial papers that she refuses to return to the family home....even got into some of my papers that were joint with my Mom before her marriage....things got worse when she couldn't find anything. Oh, these are papers she needed to see about VA nursing home, medicaid, ect so know there are vital papers needed for my Mom as well. They don't have much money and suing would take more than the little bit they have. The money, for money's sake, I could care less about. Don't need it and don't want it. But I do care about missing money as in exploitation and the hassles some of this will create should one or both of them need a nursing home...it would have to be through medicaid. I haven't taken a dime from either of them for care, groceries, transport, rent, ect. but am now documenting my time, expenses, ect and going over my calender planner that might help up the road to ofset if needed. My Mom pays for her personal items, meds co-pays and the lady hired to be with her two afternoons a week so I can try to work my business. I went to see my daughter one night (respite) and she paid for the care giver while I was gone. That's it. My Mom is 94, her stroke damaged her language skills, she gets around reasonbly well most of the time with a cane but needs someone here...she can't dial a phone, won't wear a life alert, and doesn't have the stamina to do much consistantly. She can't go home...it's 1 hr 15 minutes from the hospital, they have one neighbor (the one who takes care of her husband when not here), national forest all around so isolated, neither can drive, 8 miles to the closet drive thru 'town", and 40 min to groceries, ect.and he's out there alone good bit of the time. All this hassle with the daughter, the upsets, accusations, ect has kept her up and down emotionally which effects her blood pressure. She has had two "melt downs" and life is miserable for her and everyone else...lasts a long time changing her attitude and outlook. Last time the Dr said it's too much when she's like this and a nursing home was advised. It also set her back to square one on her speech, numbers, in fact she was better just after the stroke. She's back to her normal self emotionally now but for how long. She just can't handle all this anymore and I'm afraid it's going to kill her. Who wants to live on sedatives! She is smart as a tack and clear headed when not on an emotional rollercoaster so she knows what's going on and when she doesn't she'll keep after you til you tell her. Blood pressure wise, catch 22! I do have financial and medical power of attorney for her which is a blessing for many things and I am working on clearing those things up that are in her name as well as trying to protect her. My problem is the hassle on the joint financial accounts, maybe a trust - no copies, and the car they own jointly. Neither one can drive but her husband's family and others are driving the car without my Mom's permission while payments are coming out of the joint account, which increases my Mom's liability. On it goes....not complaining, just feel I should be doing a better job and maybe seen this coming. I am my Mom's last surviving child so no help from siblings. So, any concrete legal advice from anyone out there????

All I can say is that this is a wonderful website! Support groups are so important. thank you, Agingcare.com.

After reading some of the stories some people have to tell, I feel like I am lucky as heck. My mom loves me and I love her. So we get a little impatient with each other at times! I am sure I will get used to feeling like my life isn't entirely my own anymore. Coming on here has made me aware that I have it pretty easy compared to some people right now. I just have to learn to adapt to my new life, and hopefully as she depends on me more and more we will grow into that situation together. Big Hugs to ALL!

I agree I don't have it hard and actualy learned ways to make our 59th yr of marriage better. One is don't reply when it would cause an argument, he won't remember in 5 min anyway and won't frustrate either of us. We are facing dementia and agree I must start to think of doing things w/o my husband. If we only knew when the worst will come but must trust in Gods promise he will always be with us.

AMEN ,MY WIFE IS ALSO LUCID & ABLE TO DO most things by herself,'m sad for the slight dementia ,fortunate fore what is still good ^^ God loves us ??

Thanks, Mike, for sharing. It can be so easy to forget the good things, the little things that I can and should be grateful for while taking care of my mom. I have friends who would give their eye teeth just to have their mom back. I am thankful for all the things that mom can do and that's what I need to focus on, not all the things she can't do anymore. That road leads me to a negative attitude. It's all about being grateful: she is still with me, there are many things she can still do, and I am able to take care of her as I still have my health. Thanks again...needed a fresh perspective!

I must admit, I do not have it as bad as some of the other caregivers who have responded to this site. I have been able to vent to people who don't turn and run as far away as they can, never to be heard from again. I believe it has saved my sanity too. You are so right. What I go through is nothing compared to what my mom and dad are going through. I feel so helpless but know it is the course of life. I hope all of you find comfort at this site and know you can say anything to free yourself from whatever burden you are feeling. There are so many great suggestions and referrals. Hugs to all.

I've shared many things that I go through on a daily basis with my 97 yr old father who can be very difficult. It reminded my of my dear grandmother. She passed in her late 80's. We, the family, always said she was like an angel. So sweet and thankful for every little thing. I never saw her angry and she never complained or asked for anything. She was a delight to be around The grandchildren would come home from college and call her to go every where with them. So it's telling me that old age isn't a time when all people get nasty, selfish, insulting, demanding and all the rest.

I love your thoughts and sensible reasoning. I too became more thankful when I read some of the posts on this site. I am still enjoying my Mom even though her care and the management of, her affairs requie a big chunk of my life, I have to remind myself that no matter how difficult it is for me, it has to be twice that for her. I think my biggest challenge is juggling my life with others I love and remembering to take care of myself. Those are things I can learn to balance better with time. I worry constantly about my Mom so although she is in nursing care I am compelled to be there, visit with her, and make her a comfortable as I can. It is the emotional energy that can get us all down. The task of caing for another adult is all consuming. You sound like you are struggling with the resentments that are natural and normal. I will keep you in my thoughts. I too have those same feelings and I am thankful too that my Mom is kind and doing the best she can. Before I had this responsibility I had no idea what caregivers went through. Often I yearn to have my old life back....but I also remind myself that that will be a loss too so try to get a handle on my resentments and just be thankful it is not worse. Hugging you!

Since I found this forum to share feelings, practical approaches, hear other stories, etc. - as I have told my husband - it has saved me thousands in counseling! Ha! Seriously, it certainly does help reinforce one's resolve, cause us to think and share regarding someone ELSE's situation (which is always better than dwelling on your own sometimes) and let me know I am not the only one, alone out there. Nice of you to share 'it's not so bad' and say how much you do appreciate your mother. I am sure when we all had poopy diapers and threw carrots at the walls they were frustrated too! XX00 All!

Mike; I too come here to find out that I don't have things so bad. that being said, yes, stick to your original plan and get some time for yourself. You'll be a better caregiver for it! It's like when my kids were little, someone very smart said to me, you have to take care of yourself, or you won't be able to happily care for your kids.

Hi mike, read ur other post-how's respite going? Mom could be a saint, but staying home 24/7/365 or with someone ea n every minute would be AWFUL! Stick to ur plan! I too struggle at times, n realize someone always has it worse than me! Welcome to AC!, kimbee

here4mom, it sounds like you do as much as most of us do. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a good caregiver. It may be tougher as your mother gets older, so it is a good time to take some time for yourself.