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My better half has numerous health problems, recently he's had a heart attack & then 2 weeks after getting home he's back in hospital with pnumonia. He's very challenging to figure out what is going on. One day he seems sprite & cheerful, next day like he's coming down sick & sleeping all the time. I have noticed more & more over the last year I just want to stay home & be away from people. If I have to go to town I hurry I don't like being away from home for long, if I am I get upset & nervous. Things I used to care about are of no meaning to me now. No energy no interest, even wondering why I am writting this.

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Texas Jazzy Apple, You sure aren't feeling very jazzy these days, are you? You have a lot of responsibility, and you must be worried even on the good days. Honestly, you sound depressed. Who wouldn't be? Have you ever tried antidepressants? If you find the right one, you will feel stronger and more hopeful.

Are you getting any help? Is there anyone who can keep an eye on your husband so you can relax when you go out? Are you satisfied with the medical care he is getting? Maybe a geriatrician might be able to help you both feel better about his health.

Are you more worried about him and his health, or more overloaded with his care? Tell us more specifics, and you can be with nice people without having to leave home.

God bless you.
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Yes I do get help from my brother, he will stay with him whenever I ask, and he does chores we need done & I am no longer able to do as I have rhumatoid arthritis. I am very satisfied with his medical care. He & I have spoken many times about his level of activity to no avail & I am tired of pushing the issue. He's content to simply spend many hours a day sleeping, and each day he is losing muscle mass, weight & is seriously looking haggard & drawn, he's only 64 but looks 85. I lost one husband a few years ago & I am not ready to lose another.
I am not sure which I am, more worried about his health or overloaded. I simply feel like not much matters anymore, just keep trudging thru each day getting done what has to be done.
Thank you for responding.
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I don't feel depressed, I don't know what is happening with me. I just don't see a whole lot of point in a lot of things.
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Texas, you're not alone. Something about caregiving takes all the jazz out of our lives. I don't know if it's so much depression as it is feeling apart from everyone else. I used to love to go out. Now it just doesn't seem to matter much. Sometimes I think we caregivers need to find a life outside caregiving. That would be harder to do when the person you're caring for is your husband.
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I know you are right, but somehow I don't want to put forth the effort to socialize. Everything seems like such an effort anymore.
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I think sometimes we have to take some time away to replenish ourselves, depending on our personality. In the last two years, I made a conscious effort to get out and meet more women, because I was so isolated (I work from home and am single). So for a year and a half, I went and did with a group of women that I didn't have much in common with. In the last six months, it just felt like I didn't want to do that anymore. So I let those friendships drop.

Right now I'm perfectly happy taking care of my mom, working on my business and staying in touch with my long-term friends (none of whom live nearby). I feel like I'm rebuilding my energy level again. I don't feel depressed either, I just don't want to spend a lot of time doing stuff I didn't really want to do in the first place for the sake of appearances and society. Caregiving CAN take a lot of the jazz out of our lives like JessieBelle says. When I'm done caring for my mom, I just come home (like today) and collapse. It wears me out. But I feel like sometime in the spring the pendulum will swing the other way and I'll want to get out among the living again. So maybe you're just in a "fallow" time, like when crops need to rest before you plant them again.
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That is one of the definitions of depression - not enjoying things and not caring about things. It doesn't just mean crying. Depressed people, especially men, sometimes show it by getting angry or crabby.

Some of that "not seeing the point" comes from getting older and wiser and not giving a hang about who Miley Cyrus is or what the latest styles are. But if you don't smile when the weather is especially beautiful, or get pleasure from a tasty treat, and that is a change, that can be depression.

Sorry to lecture. It's just that my medication helps me so much.

Only 64. That is young. Maybe he needs an antidepressant! Does the doctor know how little he does? Is he still recovering from the pneumonia? As we get older, we do take longer to bounce back.

I sure know what you mean about trying to get him to take action for his own health. My husband, 68, complains about his sore back, but won't do his physical therapy exercises "until I feel like it."

Try a little fantasy. If he were suddenly pretty healthy again, and you had maybe an extra $1,000 or $10,000, and four weeks of vacation, how would you want to celebrate? Don't think about why you couldn't. Just day-dream a bit.

Would you want to go away by yourself, or go together to a favorite place? Would you want great food, or a hot tub, or a beach?

You were so right to post here. I hope you can find what I have - a new group of friends who understand what your life is like. And you don't even need to put on make-up - or even a bra! LOL.
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I certainly can relate. I have always preferred to be alone and do things independently, and at times nothing interests me. I guess I am depressed and do take an antidepressant which keeps everything smooth. I immerse myself in crafts and until recently have flipped houses and really had fun doing the renovations. I curb shop and enjoy fixing up my finds. I used to describe my decorative style as "Early Salvation Army" my clothing almost all comes from thrift stores. I used to sew and knit everything but when I can buy a hardly used good quality sweater for $2 I can't afford the yarn for that. I have been married to my mentally ill husband for 50 years and he also won't do things that are good for him. Unfortunately many wives live with similar problems so you are not alone
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You are all so great, until I found this site I thought the feelins I was having were truly unique & no one could understand or relate. But just maybe, maybe I am NOT alone in this journey.
I get plenty of exercise as we heat with wood so some days I cut wood with the chainsaw other days don't have to but every day I carry in the wood & restock the pile in the greenhouse outside our back door & of course every morning I go to the ranch about a mile away & feed our 2 Miniature horses & we have 4 small Pappillion inside dogs so always plenty to keep up after.Sometimes I think if we did'nt have all the animals it would be easier but then I imagine what my life would be like without them & I seriously think they are what keeps me sane. I have my little routine, every morn I bring in more firewood as we heat with wood then I feed the parakeets & 2 hens we keep in the greenhouse during the winter. Then I am off to feed the mares then back home to clean house & try to get him to eat some breakfast which is usually a futile matter, then there always seems to be an abundance of other chores. And 2 x a week I go to my mothers asst living & take her shopping & such. And of course to my mother in law for assorted needs. I used to have an interest in hobbies but they no longer hold an interest. As a matter of fact I have an immense supply of scrapping book supplies I am trying to divest myself of since I have no more interest in crafts. Seems I am only interested in getting day to day chores done, outside of that nadda! Most the time I feel quite alone as he will sleep 22 hrs a day if I let him. Everyone has a hobby they say & I suppose his is sleeping. Yes I have mentioned this to his doctors but not sure they take it to heart or think maybe I am just blowing it out of proportion. Such is how life goes eh?
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Texas, how much does anger at your husband/partner for him not seemingly wanting to help himself, play a part in you being depressed I wonder? It seems to me an outsider, that he's just rolled over and given up the fight. How depressing would that be to have to see day in and day out for you? Maybe it's time to sit him down and tell him how you feel about him waving the white flag apparently, and you NOT being ready to do that just now. Maybe he needs to spend some time in a facility surrounded with people that won't let him do that, but make him do stuff that he won't let you do for him? Maybe he's waving the white flag because he too is depressed that he'll never feel better so why bother. Maybe you two have more in common about this than you think. Instead of avoiding people like you do, he sleeps. Same thing. Get some outside help...serious help. ♥
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You have such a full day I do not see time for depression. Don't getrid of things you used to enjoy. There will be a time when you come back to them
Horses are the best therapy on this planet. Hugs to you and the mares
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Care giving has changed all of us!! What and especially who interested me before doesn't anymore.. My priorities have changed, not in a bad way, but I've learned a lot about my so called siblings and friends. My time is limited, so when I have free time I know who I will spend it with..

The saying "Those who know me, know me well, those who don't can go to hell" comes to mind...

There's nothing wrong with being "content" with your life, it is your "life" afterall....
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Thinking about this today I think Jinx hit the nail on the head "we are all getting older" well most of us anyway although there are a few younger caregivers. Those caring for much older parents feel they can't just be "old" and relax. Those caring for 90 + parents have mostly been retired for a while and see their peers taking off for vacations and enjoying clubs and other activities but they are not jealous, it is just too much effort. Ask yourself would you hire a 75 year old caregiver who walked with a cane? This is the situation so many family caregivers find themselves in no surprise they can think of nothing more than getting from one end of the day to the other. Add some personal health problems into the mix and of course you don't feel like making an effort. Since I was ill in the Fall I really don't feel like cooking but hubby still feels like eating. I just feel exhausted by the time the meal is on the table. I expect I will bounce back. but household tasks no longer interest me and I would love a housekeeper - fat chance of that I would rather spend my time on more creative things but end up taking a nap. it is all about making the best of what you have.
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people suck. a true friend is a very rare thing. i dont think theres anything wrong with turning inward until you meet that rarity worth your time and effort. the care your giving borders on superhuman effort, go easy on yourself.
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I want to thank everyone who has replied & a lot of you have come up with some valid points. As far as the anger, yes I will admit to anger entering into the picture sometimes. Last week I had a bit of an meltdown & told him exactly how I feel & exactly what he is doing to himself, well that night he was in a crappy mood but after he slept on it he said he realized that I only said things because I love him & he would try harder to eat & to move about. Well that lasted 1 day & right back to sleeping & not wanting to eat. His son came over on christmas and had a long talk with his Dad, again he did better but only a half day this time. I am at a loss what to do to motivate him & I don't understand as he has always been a very strong person with a very strong will to live. There MUST be something I am missing, something I should be catching or doing to help him, why can't I see it?
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Does Winter always make you feel this way? You may have SAD- seasonal affective disorder. The shorter winter days can make SAD patients quite depressed, sleepy, withdrawn. There are therapies for it, talk it over with your doctor. We are past the winter solstice, you may feel better as the days get longer.
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I can identify with what has been written. It seems to me, texas, considering you have RA and a sick husband, you are doing quite a lot looking after your menagerie and him and you.
I am an introvert, and really do not need a lot of socialization, in fact, I need a lot of "space." Online forums are apparently good for introverts. It is OK to not want or need to mix much. I do lunch with one or another girlfriend once in a while - not often - see my kids and grandkids once in a while - then there is a little socializing with shopping - the same stores all the time so you get to know the staff a bit. Sig other is away a lot with work and his hobby (horses) and for the most part I am fine with that, as long as we connect with text messages and phone,
I "don't care" about some of the things I used to care about - volunteer work,. crafts, community groups... A good part of that is the getting older thing. I have a few health challenges - not really bad, but I still have to take better care of myself than I did. Veronica, the fatigue I understand. I have chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia - have had it for over 20 years, and then developed systemic candidiasis about 4 years ago when mother first moved. I think the stress was a contributing factor. I am much better and off meds now. My gut is in a somewhat precarious balance, but the first year or so, I could hardly drag myself out to bed to make supper. It was my one big effort of the day. However I consider myself fortunate as 40-45% don't survive it, and no thanks to the doctors I have here, as they did not have a clue how to treat it. I would love a housekeeper too - even just once or twice a month for the heavier stuff. Naps are a regular thing for me, especially if I am fighting any kind of bug/flu.
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id be emjos heavy housekeeper but i expect a peek at some azzcrack. otherwise, no deal. kiddin ya emjo, your a cute woman and i have to be teasing someone to make life worth livin.
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cap - you are a riot!
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Well I think I found away to get his attention! I brought home the paperwork from the bank for him to add me to his bank account so I could handle his banking instead of always having to run back & fourth to town, it could easily be done via the internet. That very night he perked up & started staying awake more, and the next day he asked for a full meal & started to walk a bit more. Now 2 days later he's walking even a bit more & seems like (acting) less frail! And after I took a cat nap & woke up tonite he asked for milk, cheese & crackers, his fav snack!!!! Sure has perked me up! Of course talking with ya all has done wonders for me, believe it or not readin what ya all wrote made me feel less alone & somehow connected to the real world! God Bless ya all!
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Texas I hope his increased activity level continues!! Happy New Year to everyone on here!
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