My parents are late 50's/early 60's. They have few friends but they are all at least 8 hours away. My parents are not involved in any sort of religious or social organization. They are immigrants and have limited English skills. We live in an area that has a very small immigrant community, and we don't know anyone that is from the same background in the area. They are not friends with their coworkers and have no desire to be. I feel mounting pressure to be their social life. They had one close friend, but she passed away. I am a graduate student and am very busy. I want to finish school, get a good job and provide a good life for my parents. But I feel like I'm lagging on my schoolwork because of my involvement in my parent's lives. However, I feel that if I was focused in my school work and my own life my parents would be and feel neglected. I love my parents and I enjoy spending time with them. They have no desire to go out and meet new people or friends, but they've expressed to me they feel lonely. And, their actions speak loudly too -- they buy things they don't need constantly. I feel like it's because they want to fill the house since the kids all moved out (my other siblings live far away). I know It's hard to make friends as we get older, and I feel selfish for wanting them to make more friends so I can have some more time to myself. They're lonely but they don't want new friends. They tell me they want me to do well in school but then they do and say things that make me worry and want to be by their side. What do I do?
Many thanks to your encouraging and thoughtful words.
1. Talk to them. Tell them that you love them very much and you need to spend a lot of time on your studying. Acknowledge the fact that they are lonely. Encourage them to get out. Maybe you could find your local "What's going on in our town" magazine and maybe sit with them and circle a few things that they may be interested in. If they do any of the things, express sheer delight. Your happiness/approval will mean a lot to them. If this does not work, I would:
2. Plan a couple of community related things that you could do together when you visit them. Try to make it people oriented. Eg. Volunteering at a local food bank rather than going to a kite festival. If you involve them in things that you like (and can therefore do as a family), they may be more likely to do them when you are not there. I have found that just my joining organizations, e.g. a book club, friends of the library club, volunteering at a non profit etc, friendships become a lot easier. If your parents are embarrassed by their poor English, they could attend a class which might help them. If this doesn't work:
3. ..well, you just may end up like me! My mother is almost 80 years old and she goes nowhere without me and does nothing without me. I hate it. I am not "allowed" to see a movie without her. I cannot even vacation without her. So now, I just lie to her. Sad, but true. I agree wholeheartedly with both members who have said to take care of yourself first. This is so true.
You are a wonderful, thoughtful, caring human being. It comes across so clearly in your post. So I would try a few different things to see if they work. If nothing works and you have really tried extensively, I would put the focus on you. In my case, no matter how many times I would ask/plead/beg/reason/argue/whatever with my mother to "please for the love of God, go do something" she wouldn't.
Unfortunately, it truly does get worse as they get older.
Have you tried simply asking them why they don't have friends? If you approach the subject very gently and kindly, you may find out the real answer. With this answer, you can then try to help.
Kudos to you for being such a wonderful person to care so much!!
Grandstudent I don't know, of course, but I'm going to guess that you have a foot in two cultures. That in many ways is enviable, and gives you a broad perspective and many options. But it other ways it must be stressful. For the most part your peers are not burdened by dependent parents (unless they are ill). You need to fit into that culture, working hard on your studies and also making many friends, and trying out various relationships. That is what the mainstream culture expects of you at this stage of your life. At the same time, you love and honor your parents, and don't want to neglect your cultural duties to them. Drawing the line is a delicate matter, and only you can decide exactly where to draw it.
College is an awesome environment to get all kinds of guidance and viewpoints and informed opinions. Seek out people on campus who have experience and knowledge with intercultural activities. Both staff and fellow students can be good sources and may point you to some relevant reading material.
Best wishes to you!
Maybe they would benefit from moving to a smaller house and being more central to activities. Whatever the case, you can't change them so don't let them hold you back. As they age, it will only get worse. Take this time, while they are healthy, to do you what you need to do for yourself.