Not because I am a mother. but because I have a mother who wants me to take her out to dinner like last year which she thoroughly enjoyed, I hated it. She put me in the middle of a screaming match with my sister over something trivial. She drank her meal, ate very little and getting drunk. She asked to visit her mother at the cemetery and almost passed out. Comes to find out she had taken an Ativan earlier which with the amount of alcohol consumption caused her to almost pass out. I gave up being with my children that day to try and make a nice day for her and NOW she wants a repeat performance this year. I wish this day would just skip by.
You are a Mom, too, and you deserve a nice day with YOUR children. Take Mom to lunch for a couple of hours and then take her home. Spend the day relaxing with YOUR family and enjoy.
I love my 84-year old Mom, but the thought of spending the whole day with her is daunting to me. She wears 2 hearing aids and I am constantly repeating myself over and over again that eventually my conversation with her ends up with me yelling at her (not angrily, but because she can't hear). It's majorly frustrating for me and mentally exhausting! She just had her 84th birthday this past Wednesday and I spent most of the day with her and took her out to dinner with my sister, brother and my in-laws. Dinner, alone, took 2 hours! After that, we took her home (my brother lives with her, but is MINIMALLY helpful) and I brought a cake for dessert. She moves so slow now and her mind wanders. She will start to say something, then totally forgets what she wanted to say. Then she repeats and repeats the same things over and over. We (my husband, 2 daughters, and myself) didn't get home until 9:30 p.m. that night and I was so mentally exhausted I went right to sleep.
When I go over there, she always wants me to do something, fix something, put something up (i.e. decorations, chotchkey stuff). It's always something. Never mind, my brother LIVES THERE!! He always "hides" up in his room. I take her to all her doctor appts. because he is totally useless in this regard. I asked him one time to take her to get some bloodwork done and he helps her into the building and then waits in the waiting room while she slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) walks in the blood collection room with the phlebotomist. Last time, he took her, she screamed because the phlebotomist hurt her trying to "dig around" for a vein to take blood. I'm sure you could hear her in the waiting room! I mean, really! Couldn't he go in there with her???
Anyway, I digress. Again, my suggestion would be to limit your Mother's Day visit to a short lunch and spend the rest of the day enjoying yourself. You deserve it, too.
Where does the parent-child thing get SO screwed up?! As soon as kids become parents, you hand off the baton. Christmas and other holidays, the same. Our adult children need to formulate their own traditions and be honored by THEIR children. Self-centered people need to get over themselves.
I wish you, Debralee, and all of us who are often over-shadowed by selfish individuals, a very Happy Mother's Day. xo
One year, my husband and I decided to go away for the holiday (Memorial Day) weekend alone (for a change). I had made sure I did all the little tasks she wanted done before I left. Of course, after I left, she wanted my brother to bring out the garden hose caddy from the backyard to the front yard so she could water her flowers. He was going to go out for the evening and, like a big baby, he told her he'd "do it later" and left. Well, you guessed it. My stubborn mother decided she didn't want to wait, so she dragged the heavy garden hose caddy out from the back patio to the front and she tripped and fell and smacked her head on the cement. Of course, she was bleeding profusely from the head wound. None of the neighbors were outside at the time, so how she managed to get up and drag herself across the street to her other elderly neighbor's house, I don't know. The neighbor called my niece (only lives 1 1/2 away). She came right over and took her to the ER (which was an all day ordeal as you can imagine). Now, if my brother would have just taken the TWO MINUTES to wheel the garden hose caddy to the front of the house for her, the falling incident would never have happened. What is WRONG WITH HIM???? I didn't find out about the incident until the next day when my niece called me on my cell phone. She didn't know I was out of town. I was in the middle of West Virginia and was so pissed at my brother, I could have spit! He never thinks, just whines and complains all the time. I don't know how my mother stands it. Although, she is his enabler, telling anyone who will listen, "Oh, he helps me so much. I'm so glad he lives here with me." Really??? Weird as it sounds, I am grateful that he does lives there to keep a semi-eye on her but I wish he would realized she's 84 years old and can't do the things she used to do, even a couple of years ago. She is getting frailer by the year and he just doesn't get it. I have to "step back" now and then so I don't go off on him. He's clueless.
When my mom first moved in with me she would have several glasses of wine each evening. The last straw for me was when I called her out on it.....in the nicest way possible...but I had to speak my mind because I was irritated with her behavior....she was rude and started swearing at me. Now I keep the wine hidden and she gets one small glass a few times a week...my house, my rules...and it's for her own safety as she is unsteady on her feet...it is so much better this way. I know she doesn't like it but has accepted it.
As far as Mother's Day...my husband and I are planning a breakfast at our house and have invited his parents. I just hope I can get mom up and ready and not have to hear "it's just another day" like I hear from time to time about different holidays.......
And the comment about getting away from grandchildren events....I can relate...my mom isn't interested in having any part of it...thank goodness for my in-laws....they have played a huge role in my kids' lives. My daughter will soon be graduating from high school with honors...mom will probably stay home and watch TV........
I was just wondering if the name "suxtobeme" was open!
My MIL's birthday is Friday, then we have Mother's Day - oh for the days we could just take her out for a meal or send her a restaurant gift certificate so she could take her sister out for lunch.
OK.
Done and done.
Phew! -thanks, Debralee for the reminder!!!!
Actually, I kind of like Halloween too because I like to watch all the Halloween movies on tv every year.
Am I completely devoid of sentiment? Hmmm.....
I like Thanksgiving the best. Honor the Blessed Turkey! And...
It's fun to grill Kosher dogs and go to the beach to watch fireworks on 4th of July.
Probably the best family day is Christmas when I make prime ribs of beef, Yorkshire pudding, creamed spinach, and Trifle. omg. xo
I told my husband to NOT get me anything for Mom's Day. It is too hard. -my girl gets too wound up. We have been having lots of behavior issues and that same day is the day we tour her special needs camp( why it is that day is beyond me) -if we try and do that -which she is anxious about -and have her give me a card--- just crazy hard.
So I am with you Eyerishlass ! Holidays are hard!!! I don't like Halloween -(though I do like scary movies) but the fourth of July is OK. I like fire works and the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci Fi channel. :0)
@onceheatedDIL- hee hee on the suxtobeme. :0) You could do sux2BMe, too
I am sure there are others who have other family members that do not see the need for an aging parrent to need assistance and that that same parent might not be happy about anything the caregivers do. This is already a run-on-paragraph…. Any suggestions?
Crazy.
I brought her back home and called in hospice. We have endured much "bad behavior," and I am sad that she continues to decline and I know it is a matter of time. My mother would never have given the care that we give her, but that's another story. Some morning I will find her ................gone. This is only for a season, and I trust that God's Grace is Sufficient for all of us caregivers. BTW, I have vented plenty on here. The whole process is an emotional rollercoaster!
Mother's Day is nothing special here, because every day is Mother's Day.
Just because they are family does not mean you are committed to them even if they gave birth to you. It is NOT easy to say no, however, it can be done.
I am thankful that I no longer need to worry about that, but those with great mothers... enjoy the day and thank God for your blessings of a functional relationship. Those who have dysfunctional mothers, do you best and minimize your time. Have a drink at the end and just say, "Hooray I survived another holiday!" ;)
Blessings to you all!
Sometimes it is nice to get a gentle nudge in a different direction.
Sometimes it is nice to read about a similar situation. ( ummmm, yeah)
AND------
Sometimes it is nice to hear/read: "I understand. It is hard. You are justified in feeling frustrated" and then stop.
Debralee-It sounds hard, I understand and I think you are justified in your feelings of frustration.