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No, that's not right. Most children who grow up in dysfunctional families grow up thinking this is all normal, and something must be wrong with themselves.
Not sure if the original link got taken down or what, but here it is.
Look, each dysfunctional family is unique, but there are some commonalities that are useful to read about.
I find it very sad to read on this forum about abused adult children who feel that they have an obligation to destroy their lives because a parent is elderly and in need of care. They carry around a longing for a "good" parent and seem to think if they sacrifice enough, mom or dad will get nicer.
It doesn't happen; the adult child is left broke, sometimes homeless and emotionally destroyed.
We see it here everyday; it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
I've learned so much about the dynamics of dysfunctional families here on this forum. A part of me used to believe that "blood is thicker than water" and I didn't understand the people in my life who went no contact with a family member, now when I hear about some sweet old man/woman whose family never comes to visit I wonder what might be hiding beneath the surface that precipitated that. As well as those who come here to vent about the toxic people in their lives there are also many who avow to have a close relationship with the person they are caring for but from the outside it looks very much like an unhealthy enmeshment.
Wow, very interesting. Especially the drama trainge. Found a youtube (if that works).
https://youtu.be/E_XSeUYa0-8
I really like the approach of the second triange: Creator, Challenger & Coach.
Being a Coach instead of a Resucer mindset for all those adults stuggling with stepping in to provide care for former abusive parents. That is exactly what helped me! Instead of responding to their speed dial beck & call alarms - I kept asking how are YOU going to solve this/get this done etc.
21 months of asking - of pointing out the consequences - of me stopping to turn up to unlock the door. Now (after 21 months) there is a code box access for paramedics & aides to get in that door.
Hope other families are quicker learners than mine! I didn't have the triangle knowledge then... now look out!
I totally get what you’re saying. It’s based on what we perceive as our ‘frame of reference.” There’s evidence of it certainly in so many areas.
For instance, so many alcoholics have alcoholic children. Yeah, I know there is genetics involved too. It also goes the opposite way too. Some don’t follow in the same footsteps.
The same can be said for abuse. Some who are abused end up abusing as well. Again, not always but it does happen because it’s all they know, like you say, it becomes a ‘normal’ scenario in their family.
BarbBrooklyn: "I find it very sad to read on this forum about abused adult children who feel that they have an obligation to destroy their lives because a parent is elderly and in need of care. They carry around a longing for a 'good' parent and seem to think if they sacrifice enough, mom or dad will get nicer.
It doesn't happen; the adult child is left broke, sometimes homeless and emotionally destroyed.
We see it here everyday; it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion."
Yes, this is SO common on this forum! Often this unnecessary martrydom is justified by writing that they do what they do so they can sleep or night or that they are taking the moral high road because hey couldn't live with themselves otherwise.
Often the people realize that they can't/won't change their patterns, and then they often (but not always) become hostile to those who propose solutions. The self-change for them to improve their situation is too overwhelming for them.
But every once in a while there is a poster who really does make radical changes and refuses to accept the abusive dysfunctional status quo. : - )
Thank you for this thread. Anyone who has read some of my posts recognizes me as one of the poster children for dysfunctional families. It’s been you and many others on this forum who have gently awakened me to this fact, and I am forever grateful. I obviously can’t fix the depth of dysfunction in my family but I am trying hard to recognize the cause and effect, practice self care, and fix how I respond. My goal is to stop my co-dependent tendencies and to make better decisions on behalf of myself and the people I love. No small task, but I’m a climber. It’s a new day and I no longer feel like the victim.
So when I thank all of you and tell you that you’ve been a lifeline, I mean that more than you know. I am grateful and I only hope to be able to inspire others in their journeys the way you have inspired me.
I’m tearing up as I type this so hugs and thank you again.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We need more information.
Most children who grow up in dysfunctional families grow up thinking this is all normal, and something must be wrong with themselves.
Not sure if the original link got taken down or what, but here it is.
Look, each dysfunctional family is unique, but there are some commonalities that are useful to read about.
I find it very sad to read on this forum about abused adult children who feel that they have an obligation to destroy their lives because a parent is elderly and in need of care. They carry around a longing for a "good" parent and seem to think if they sacrifice enough, mom or dad will get nicer.
It doesn't happen; the adult child is left broke, sometimes homeless and emotionally destroyed.
We see it here everyday; it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
https://youtu.be/E_XSeUYa0-8
I really like the approach of the second triange: Creator, Challenger & Coach.
Being a Coach instead of a Resucer mindset for all those adults stuggling with stepping in to provide care for former abusive parents. That is exactly what helped me! Instead of responding to their speed dial beck & call alarms - I kept asking how are YOU going to solve this/get this done etc.
21 months of asking - of pointing out the consequences - of me stopping to turn up to unlock the door. Now (after 21 months) there is a code box access for paramedics & aides to get in that door.
Hope other families are quicker learners than mine! I didn't have the triangle knowledge then... now look out!
I totally get what you’re saying. It’s based on what we perceive as our ‘frame of reference.” There’s evidence of it certainly in so many areas.
For instance, so many alcoholics have alcoholic children. Yeah, I know there is genetics involved too. It also goes the opposite way too. Some don’t follow in the same footsteps.
The same can be said for abuse. Some who are abused end up abusing as well. Again, not always but it does happen because it’s all they know, like you say, it becomes a ‘normal’ scenario in their family.
It doesn't happen; the adult child is left broke, sometimes homeless and emotionally destroyed.
We see it here everyday; it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion."
Yes, this is SO common on this forum! Often this unnecessary martrydom is justified by writing that they do what they do so they can sleep or night or that they are taking the moral high road because hey couldn't live with themselves otherwise.
Often the people realize that they can't/won't change their patterns, and then they often (but not always) become hostile to those who propose solutions. The self-change for them to improve their situation is too overwhelming for them.
But every once in a while there is a poster who really does make radical changes and refuses to accept the abusive dysfunctional status quo. : - )
Thank you for this thread. Anyone who has read some of my posts recognizes me as one of the poster children for dysfunctional families. It’s been you and many others on this forum who have gently awakened me to this fact, and I am forever grateful. I obviously can’t fix the depth of dysfunction in my family but I am trying hard to recognize the cause and effect, practice self care, and fix how I respond. My goal is to stop my co-dependent tendencies and to make better decisions on behalf of myself and the people I love. No small task, but I’m a climber. It’s a new day and I no longer feel like the victim.
So when I thank all of you and tell you that you’ve been a lifeline, I mean that more than you know. I am grateful and I only hope to be able to inspire others in their journeys the way you have inspired me.
I’m tearing up as I type this so hugs and thank you again.
You said it. Definitely a train wreck.