Hi Everyone,
I don't know what to do. Mother came to live with my husband and me following a stroke. She has always been self centered and thought the world revolved around her. I work full time and seems that almost every Friday she starts to "get sick". She is not really sick because if I threaten her with a visit to the doctor she recovers. My husband is just about at the end of his patience with her. He says he can deal with the stroke, he just can't deal wtih the behaviors. We have tried to get her to go to adult day care or try to do jigsaw puzzles etc to help fill her day, but all she wants to do is watch TV. We both feel like we no longer have a life. We went on vacation about a month ago and put my mother in Respite care. It was a total disater and we ended up coming home early. The sad part is that she does't seem to realize or care that we have given up a great part of our lives to care for her. Both my husband and I are about at the end of our rope mostly because of her behaviours. Just needed to vent.
I don ask any more - If she is sick she is sick and thats an end to it - if she can sustain refusing cake for a day then she probably is sick! If not then by god she aint - trust me after a 4 hour paramedic visit the night before last in a playing me up situation I am now resolute about it
Pretending to be sick might be her way of telling you she's scared - how does she handle meals etc when you're not around?
Her behavior is common and will only get worst - my mom is uber dependent on me and as a result is having a tough time now at a memory care facility - I have a 1:1 caregiver with her 4 hours during the day and another overnight - she is scared to be alone there with strangers and other residents with behavior issues
People don't generally do something unless there's something in it for them.
So, whatever a parent is willfully doing (NOT from dementia, UTI, or real illness), it usually is for an outcome they want. If the outcome changes to something they don't want they will try another tactic.
I might add that the same goes for the caregiver. The added income from a parent can be beneficial to a caregiver, the feeling of being 'the only one they'll listen to' can boost a feeling of purpose to an empty nester, and so on.
I came to a point after years of caring for Mom when I sat myself down and asked the important questions of who is getting what out of the situations that arise? Why does she 'get sick' if I try to go to a movie and magically recover if I stay home? It reinforced her feeling of being loved after spending her life being a neglectful mother. Why am I giving up everything to care for someone I don't particularly love? For fear I'd 'look bad' to the rest of the family.
I can share what helped me on this site. Apply for Medicaid BEFORE you need it if possible. Learn about spending down. Get on a waiting list at a SNF that you've toured and feel okay about. Let your parent know that when their care becomes 'beyond your capabilities' (you decide what those are) you will make sure they are transitioned to a good place.
It is not an argument, nor a threat, you're just telling them that you love them enough to make sure they have the best care. And the best may not be from you if their needs are beyond what you're capable of.
Best of luck. I hope any of this helps. In the meantime, scream into a pillow ;)
Treat them like a toddler if that is what they are acting like one.
Good Luck and take more vacations and have a care giver come in that you trust so you can get out and enjoy YOUR life.
Best regards