I'm the proud "owner" of a very difficult, very needy, very unhappy and jealous 80-year old mother. I'm an only child in my mid-30s with a young family (toddlers), a full time career and a husband who also works full time. My dad's deceased. I live on the other side of the state, about 2 hours away, from my mother and hometown. I moved out here about a decade ago for preservation's sake. My mother has always had some serious personality issues and as an adult it became suffocating enough that I need to create physical space between us. Yet, as will be apparant by my story, she still continues to meddle. Lately she's been in an absolute snit because I wasn't invited to my 3rd cousin's bridal shower like the rest of the family (and by family, I mean, like the rest of my 1st cousins were). Daily she would ask..."have you gotten the invite in the mail? Did the invite arrive yet? Are you SURE you didn't get anything about the shower????" I kept telling her NO, I wasn't been invited - probably because I don't live local - and that the lack of invitation was a-OK with me. Truth of the matter, I keep in touch with my 2nd cousin (the bride's mother) on Facebook, but I'm by no means exceptionally close with this side of the family - particularly the bride whom I don't recall ever meeting. So to be saved a trip to the other side of the state - especially when I have a business trip the week immediately proceeding the event - is a welcome relief. Well, as "luck" would have it, yesterday I get home from work and find an invitation for this very event sitting in my mailbox. I'm immediately suspicious. Why did my invite just arrive when everyone else had received theirs a good two weeks ago? Two weeks is a significant lag in timeline, dontcha think? Seems suspicious, doesn't it? Like maybe I wasn't on the original invitee list but then something happened to cause the host to send me an invite? Something like maybe my MOTHER making a big enough stink that I was ultimately invited. Awesome. Turns out, the shower is less than 3 weeks from now. And on that very same day (I did not know the date before receiving the invite), we've got an appointment 30 minutes away to close on our mortgage refinance. I've already rescheduled that appointment twice due to work conflicts and the rate we're locked into expires 3 days after the closing. Basically, we NEED to be at this appointment. So, there you go. The shower host sent the invite all for naught. And now, for having been invited, I'm obligated to send a gift. In short, EVERYBODY loses. THANKS, MOM.
Meddling is one word for your mother's behavior. Controlling also comes to mind. Obsessive might fit in there somewhere, too.
You, my dear, were very smart to put 2 hours between you and Mom, and I am very glad that you don't feel obligated to show up at the shower. You don't need our advice. You could be a role model for many who need advice about meddling moms. I hope you stick around the forum and share your wisdom.
If you read some of the earlier postings I have put on here under different subjects you will get a handle on how my mother operates - she will bait me and then lower the hammer, i.e. "what are you going to do this morning?" "I'm going out to shovel the snow (I used to love doing it! now I'm in a condo and I miss it) "Well I'm going to have a talk with your husband then! You shouldn't be doing that - you'll hurt your back" (as if she cares!) She's just resenting the time I spend doing something I enjoy, for it is time not spent on HER!!
Others who comment on here will know that she remarks that I shouldn't be babysitting my granddaughter, I don't need to do laundry so often, she comments on how many times I use the washroom, and if I (in her opinion ) am too long in the shower, I get "did you fall in in there?"
All of the things that she meddles with/in are none of her concern, and I have pointed that out many times - she will tell family members the complete opposite of what I have told her just to start something, then when called on it, denies and lies about it "Oh, that's not what you told me!" REALLY?!
I am so sorry that you have this in your life and I'm sure many on here have to deal with the same kind of difficult personality - the key is: we're not going to change them - but we can change our strategy in dealing with them and that's what I'm working on.
Good luck to you - get caller ID and the less you tell her about your own life the better - that will give her less ammunition. Yesterday I was asked why I didn't tell her that I had a bank account.......HUH?
Tha helps her feel more attended to....as much as anyone could make her--since she is pathologically bent on controlling others--know that it is out of fear of abandonment and whatever other old issues stimulated her behaviors.
You were SMART to move so far away!
AVOID allowing guilt trips from her!
Those guilts are her own, not yours.
If you do not have caller ID on your phone yet, get it!
Allow the answering machine to record her messages--on an actual taped message recorder....that constitutes a record of her verbiage towards you.
Save those in case you need them later.
Judy's suggestions are excellent--try those!
And by Heaven, go to your mortgage appointment--NOT to that wedding.
Token gift, polite appologies for not being there--perfect according to etiquette rules!
Set healthy boundaries/limits on other's use of your time, energies and sympathies--including family members--it can save your life!
My granddaughter came over today.....of course that was my mother's target for this afternoon - here's a sampling of the missives I received on that (she hopes I will get exasperated enough with the comments and take the action she wants done - control and manipulation) --
"You better put a sweater on that baby - it's cold in here, you must have turned the heat down"
"Has the baby had her lunch? What are you going to give her?"
"I don't see why your daughter feels the need to have a nap with the baby" (she's pregnant, and running after a toddler, DUH!!)
"You're giving that baby far too much milk"
"Shouldn't you be changing her diaper about now? You waited long enough"
"What will she be having for supper? She can't live on snacks, you know"
"Why do you let her run around all dressed up? She'll ruin that dress"
"Oh you're changing her clothes now? I suppose you're going to put a sleeper on her, she seems to live in those" Last time I checked, I was NOT her mother!!
The meddling goes on and on, day and night, without end. Anything is fair game but mostly it's about food, tv, the cats, what I'm wearing, who I should or shouldn't be talking to on the phone, what I should be doing instead of watching tv (until she wants something else), the decisions I've made about my home and family, what I should or shouldn't be doing with my own children, etc. etc. etc. After the last comment I said to her "Aren't you watching your movie?" Her answer was "Yes, I've got it on right now, why would you ask that?" I told her that her time would be better spent watching that than trying to run everything and get involved in things that aren't her issues, and, of course, I was accused of "acting smart".......... It's endless so please heed my warning from before: they're never going to change and it's ourselves who have to NOT engage, don't argue, just change the subject, avoid them, try to arrange outings for them so you can get some peace for yourself. They thrive on the drama, arguing and confrontation and even the negative attention, for them, is better than no attention. I have nobody who will take her out to lunch or dinner, for the day, or overnight.......because no one else wants to put up with her, including my brother, whose house is "too small" to have her (she's on her best behaviour when she's over there though because she knows if she pries or meddles, he will cut her off like he did once before for 12 years!!
But you are so right - it is better to redirect, etc. etc. etc. as they are just waiting for that confrotation - love living on the drama. I just took my mother out the other day to the doctor and to a really nice restaurant for dinner. She loved the meal, finished her plate and prceeded to tell me when we return to the nursing home that she (hated that restaurant) as she had to walk too far. I dropped her off at the handicapped entrance of the restaurant and she only had to walk a short distance to the door. Said she was sooooo tired from walking, blah, blah, blah. After that she wanted to go to the mall shopping....Really???? thought she was too tired. I had already driven 2 hours to pick her up for the doctors appointment which was 1/2 hour further and then 1/2 hour back to NH and then 2 hour ride home. On top of that I had a migraine. She could care less. Then I get a message on my machine 2 days later that she NEVER gets out and is OUT OF EVERYTHING. Which is a total lie. Just wants me down there again. And of course, she had to "put on the voice" which is creepy in itself; like she is on death's door and nobody cares. Like you, there is not one person other than me that will put up with her BS - no relative or friends. No one cares anymore. But, we of course, the ones who continue to be good people and help them, are the bad daughters, bad, bad. bad.
Her phone calls are so disruptive and poisonous, that I finally did not call her back. My youngest daughter had her prom tonight and I wanted to totally enjoy the moment with her without having my mother's BS on my mind. And I did! She looked like a princess and I enjoyed all the pre-prom preparation without a thought of my mother and her lies. This is how she has always been, the poor me syndrome.
God bless you Libracat - you are an angel. I admire all that you do under the circumstances. Take care.
Funny that you mentioned "she put on the voice". We get this all the time. In fact the other day my mother told my daughter "I must have gotten your father's cold". My husband hasn't had a cold!! It's hilarious how she tries to invent different ailments every single week......last week it was her foot, her throat and a cold..........
You'd die laughing (pardon that!!) if you heard the "croaky" voice she puts on when her friend calls....it's always the same : croaky to start with, then a half a minute later, back to normal - so now her friend doesn't believe anything she tells her about any illness and says she's going to cry wolf once too often. Already happened!
I swear yours and mine are twins. Mine has told everyone she has no privacy on the phone, never gets out, doesn't get enough food, etc. There's no end they won't go to to get whatever the heck it is they want, right?
And, by the way, mine won't walk either! But the mall? Forget about it - she will walk in there hour on end until she finds what she wants, but if I tell her that I'M going shopping, would she like to come with me, she will say, oh no, to get where you want to go, I'd have to walk miles. She even complained in the hospital -- the HOSPITAL! -- that the doctor's office was too far away from the elevator and guess what: she had to "walk miles"!!
I'll tell you a funny story soon about how my mother got caught and found out and had neighbours running after her in her apartment - maybe if we laugh at this it will help us feel better!
You're my buddy! and thanks for your very nice comments. You get a pat on the back from me too!
You really are my buddy too! Misery loves company. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.
You guys could still swap stories about your mom's, maybe even travel to visit each other and meet the moms. Haha. I'm glad you have each other as friends. You so understand what each deals with. Love to both of you, Cattails.
So, I was fortunate, after research and visiting facilities, to get them both into nice ones, but not the same one. The social worker from Elder Services was well aware of my mother's difficult personality and how she treated my father. And of course, for his benefit I filled her in on things she was not aware of.
I actually called in Protective Services to help me provide the best care for my father as he was very ill; and we also got the best of care for my mother, but at a different facility. Due to her balance problems for which she was stubbornly not using her walker at home; on top of the personality disorder and dementia, she was NOT ALLOWED TO GO HOME WITHOUT 24 hour care. She had been playing this game where she would get herself into rehab by lying, faking, etc. Of course this is not normal behavior, but as many of us know and experienced; it is a mix of mental health disorder and plain old selfishness and manipulation.
I remember one time about five yrs. ago when she was living in her own apartment in a town about 40 minutes away from me. She called me from the hospital to tell me that "she was going to be admitted" and had her friend drive her to the ER. She of course was very vague about what ailed her. They kept her in overnight and the next morning she was on the phone about what she needed me to bring.
Well, I don't drive, so my younger daughter took a day off university in a snowstorm to come pick me up and off we went. When we got to the ER we saw that she was in the end room (no door) of the unit and sitting on the bed, not dressed, waiting and hoping they would keep her in (so she would be waited on because she was doing nothing for herself at home, not cooking, not doing laundry, not shopping for herself, nothing). She had had a friend drive her to ER so she wouldn't have to pay for a cab or an ambulance - and so began the terrible habit she got into. Her poor friend once sat with her for 10 hrs. in emerg because she lives in her town and I had no way of getting out there.
Along comes the nurse and the miserable chewing started: "You people don't care about us elderly but it was good enough for us to give our lives in the war"
"You treat immigrants better than us" "This place isn't fit for animals" etc. - it's a brand new multi-million $ hospital for Heaven's sake!
That was just the beginning - these nurses are on to them and know that they just want a place to "park" and be pampered - well, guess what - that's why the kept her in emerg; there was nothing wrong with her, for one thing, and for another, they certainly weren't going to admit her so she could take up a bed instead of someone who really needed it.
Then the real beefs began when she realized she was being sent home. But -- surprise, surprise! After she had ferreted away half the supplies in the room into her purse (kleenex, latex gloves (??), whatever she could stash away) she started complaining and said "I'm glad I'm going home anyway, they'll charge you for a bandaid in here". Well is it any WONDER? You're STEALING!!!
Their logic and sensibilities have flown out the window, except when they need to use them to get their own way. But the best was yet to come.......
After waiting over two hours for her to be discharged with her imaginary illness,
we got her out to the car -- "Where on earth did you park? I'll have to walk miles" -- she suddenly perks up and says to my daughter - "Oh you'll need to stop at the grocery and your mother can run in and get me what I want - I made a list" then we get back in the car and it's "You'll have to stop at the bank, I have a check I need to cash", once that's done "There's a drug store around the corner, just let me out at the door"!!!
So as you can see, despite the snowstorm, cost to the hospital, my daughter's wasted course day, the inconvenience to us and time wasted, the poor friend having to take her there, damn the torpedoes, never mind who's put out, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME......I WAS IN EMERGENCY but those idiots sent me home! Now what am I going to do! Who will look after me now that I'm home!
Well I see a huge difference between looking after someone and being their lackey - and that's just what she wanted. I should have heeded the red flags that she flew for 30 yrs., saying "What will happen to me when I take sick?" Now you're making everyone else sick!! She thinks she's Queen Elizabeth - and that's not far-fetched because she's obsessed with her anyways!
If someone had told me that I would be in the position of someone who behaves the way she does, I would have run the other direction. It's because I lived away from her, and only talked to her once a day by phone (used to be once a week but when Bell stopped making it long distance, look out below!!)
that I didn't realize the kind of person she had become from living alone for forty years. Too bad she wasn't alive when the Titanic sailed! LOL
Acting smart? No, Mom, if I were smart you wouldn't be here.
Sorry. All that drip-drip-dripping in your post has make me snarky.
You have already decided that Mom will never be welcome to live with you. Stick to that. There are other ways to see that she is cared for. Since she is in her early fifties and in good health, this is not something to spend your energy on yet.
If you fee she is a negative influence on your young son, don't leave her alone with him, Get a babysitter for date nights. You strategy of visiting when her husband will be there sounds good.
Instead of simmering for weeks when her behavior is unacceptable, consider confronting her, politely. "Mother, I want "Baby's chair between us. Why are you taking it away?"
Better yet minimize your contact with this person who makes you so angry.