Has anyone experienced the elder that they care for (who has no dementia and is mentally competent) say things like “God’s going to help me get better “ or “if I could just do A-B-C or D things will change “ or “ just be patient God has something for us, its just not time yet.” I don’t mean to sound disrespectful and I am a person of faith but I also believe in reality and if something isn’t right and hasn’t been right or changing for the better it's most likely not going to. I apologize if I sound calloused I’m caregiving full-time no respite doing all ADL & IDL for over 2 years and have now added caregiving responsibilities for developmentally disabled adult stepchild. I’m struggling to make it through most days. My husband requires nursing home level of care and I’m trying so hard but not providing the level of care that I used too. We were very fortunate to get a handicapped accessible van which I thought would be so much easier than riding the bus and allow us to get out, and it has but my husband doesn’t understand that sometimes I’m too depressed to even leave the house and he believes that we just wasted money on the van. I’m exhausted and rambling and would welcome a fresh prespective. Thank you
Perhaps the elder with competent mind you mentioned sees how tired you are and how difficult it is for you, so he/she says those things to comfort you. Or maybe he /she really has faith.
Have you tried quieting your mind and pray for an answer? At the very least, you can get a few moments of peace and clear mind. I should take my own advice and go do that.
1. If your loved one needs nursing home care, why are you, one person, trying to do what it takes 3 shifts of young, well rested caregivers to do?
2. Who added a developmentally disabled stepchild to your already overloaded plate?
3. Is your depression being treated?
I am a person of faith, but my old Irish grandma had a saying " God helps those who help themselves". Yes, pray and quiet your mind gain clarity. But also make a plan.
Has your husband had a needs assessment from the local social services department?
Taking care of two adults who need lots of assistance of different kinds is just not feasible for one individual. I'm sure you are awesome and devoted and efficient. But you are human.
Do you have any help coming in? What kind? How often? How long?
As for the hopeful statements of faith, I wouldn't discourage them. You don't have to fully agree, but state your beliefs hopefully.
“God’s going to help me get better “ "If it is God's will, it will happen."
"just be patient God has something for us, its just not time yet" "Sometimes it is hard to be patient, isn't it? And while we are being patient, I think the plan to bring in some additional help will be moving in the direction of God's plan."
I said I would not put my husband or mother in assisted living -- as long as they only needed assistance, I would provide it (or my sister would for Mother) with whatever help it took. But if either of them needed nursing home level of care, then I would turn it over to the professionals. My husband stayed at home for 10 years, dying in hospice in our home. My mother lived with my sister for 1+ year and spent the final 2+ years of her life in a nursing home, surprisingly content.
I'm not saying you should look for placement for your husband or stepchild. But you absolutely MUST have adequate help, rest, respite, and self-care.
So here we are, and it sounds like you still haven't had a break but the stepchild's care has become full-time.
Who's making the decisions in your household? What outside agencies are you talking to? - like Area Agency on Aging or VA or maybe families' networks related to your stepchild's disability.
At that time, you said that your husband wouldn't go to respite because he didn't understand what you would be doing.
This is not the question of a person who has no cognitive deficits (unless he's a monumental narcissist). In either situation, HIS choices are not good for YOU and your mental and physical health.
If he loves you, and if he is not suffering from cognitive issues, he would understand that no one person can care for two disabled adults alone, even someone so much younger than himself.
Please think about this, and make some choices that will benefit YOU.
EmmaSue, I'm so sorry for your situation. Others upthread gave you great advice for getting professional care for your charges. I hope you look into changing the situation. You matter. You must take care of you. Best wishes and a {hug}.
This just might be a great opportunity for husband to get acquainted with other means of care.
I am so sorry for your struggles, I will be praying for you. Pray, and Pray some and wait on the Lord to lead you to what to do, if you are a believer.
Don't discourage others faith in what they say to you. All things work together for good to them that love God.
Hang in there.