Father-in-law moved in and struggling.
My mother in law passed away 1.5 years ago and 3 months later my father in law moved in with my husband and I. We have no children. We ended up selling our house and buying a bigger one. My husband is an only child. I am so depressed because the life we had is no longer. I have no privacy and find myself sitting in the furthest part of the house to be away. I regret the decision and my marriage is falling apart. My father in law is 75 and in very good health. I have talked to my husband about my feelings as well as seeing a therapist. My husband is unwilling to budge and think it is unfair to change our minds. I am ready to walk out on our 16 year marriage. My father in law is not a bad person which makes me feel so guilty. I cannot sleep or eat. I applaud my husband for wanting to take care of his dad but he has done so at the expense of us. All of our intimacy is gone and it is very difficult for us to even talk because my father in law is always here. I hate having to leave my own home to have a conversation with my husband. I feel like we are now roommates. All I think about is that as he ages it is going to get worse. I feel so guilty for being so angry and selfish. Before we bought the bigger house I told my husband I don't think this is a good idea and he said the bigger house will give us more privacy when in fact it has caused more of a divide. I feel just sick about this. Even when I look at my husband all I see is his dad... They both are very similar in looks and personality. I am at a loss.
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Did you agree for FIL to move in when he first came? Was the reason so that he would not be lonely after the loss of his wife? Does he get out and socialize much? Would it be possible for him to get out and have his own social life? Would that make matters better?
Is there anything about him that is the problem, other than the lack of privacy?
Is sad that you are so miserable. I hope you are able to work it out together.
Hm. Does he.
Your husband, I assume, feels that even to discuss alternative possibilities would be to tantamount to telling his father "Dad, we're putting you in a home. Sorry about that, but too bad."
What he has so far not understood is that what he is doing instead is tantamount to telling you "not risking upsetting my father is of more concern to me than your happiness, so I'm not even prepared to discuss it and I'm not interested in considering other possibilities. He's staying. Like it or lump it."
Your FIL is at the moment being a big fat gooseberry. "Two's company" and all that. But I wonder how content he is, really, to rely solely on his child for the whole of his emotional and social life?
You can see why your husband thought the bigger house plan would work. To my regret, I for one could have told him that space is not just a physical issue. In a marriage, it's also about alone time, and intimacy, and the proper order of priorities. In other societies four generations do live sixteen to a room and manage somehow - good for them! But in our western culture, yes, we do have a well-established sense of entitlement to privacy in adult relationships. You are not being selfish when you feel angry. Your reasonable expectations are being dismissed out of hand. It won't do.
As a first step, get together a portfolio of options, so to speak. Find out what else *might* hypothetically be possible. You could even go on a few visits, if anything looks promising, and see if there are places where, knowing your FIL, you genuinely believe he would thrive.
Because once you're armed with information about positive, good alternatives, you can then go to your husband and say "I do not think we are doing the old guy any favours by isolating him from his peer group and turning him into our helpless dependant. Here are some excellent facilities designed especially to sustain quality of life for older people where I think he might be very happy.
"And this time I would appreciate your having the courtesy to take my carefully considered opinion into account."
You don't have to add the last bit. But I expect you would quite like to!
(And this kind of unwillingness to think ahead, or think outside the box, isn't unique to husbands in a caregiving situation. I'm sure most of us have met someone who is very rigid about life and won't change his/her mind, even when caregiving isn't a factor in life's considerations. These people cling, often obstinately, to beliefs formed at one time and that's how they'll live the rest of their lives.) Hopefully your husband isn't like that. I do suspect that he feels the obligation to his father and doesn't want to feel as if he's letting him down.
What's your husband's occupation? If he's in business, he should understand "mid-course corrections." Engineering, marketing, legal, medical and other professions all incorporate this principle one way or another. If underlying factors change, the method of addressing them often must change as well. And it's a basic method of coping in life's varied situations.
This is one of those changed situations. Sneak away and spend some time alone, figuring out what solutions (short or long) could be implemented. Perhaps hiring a caregiver so you can have a night out, or a weekend away, and regain your privacy might be an option.
If he refuses to reconsider anything and remains staunchly adamant, then I think you have some short and long term serious considerations to make about whether or not you want to remain in this relationship.
You might even have to take a vacation yourself just to get away and decide how you feel about this unsatisfactory situation, what you want to do and how far you'll go to regain the lost privacy, independence, etc.
StaceyB is another well informed and helpful poster who has been dealing with the issue of a live-in FIL for some time. She could offer some wise advice. I'm P'Ming her to ask her to help.
I wonder if the house could be adapted in any way to give you separate quarters. For example, I live in two rooms in my mother's house. We share only the kitchen. When I'm in my rooms I have a lot of privacy. My mother usually is in the living room. Staying separate most of the time is the only way it would work, because we don't get along if we spend too much time together.
If your FIL didn't contribute to the new house, deciding what to do will be a bit easier. The thing is that your husband would have to choose between his father and you. That is a tough one.
If there aren't any health issues that would require your Dad-in-law to have someone in place every day, then as others had mentioned Dad probably would do well living on his own, per say, in either Independent Living or senior apartments where the rent is based on one's income.
You are not putting stress on your husband. He created this situation - with your willing assistance at the time, sure, but still it was his doing. Just wishing it would go away so that he doesn't have to think or talk about it is not going to work. That isn't your fault.
What did your husband have to say about how he felt? Did he open up at all?
Thank you for your response. My husband did open a bit and said he would talk to his father but worries how he will react. His father is very emotional since the passing of his wife. Our counsellor said that we tend to fragilize people and might be surprised at how he will respond. It made complete sense to both of us however I see my husband is struggling and I understand that as it is a horrible position to be in. (For both of us) If or when the conversation occurs the dynamics between all of us will change. It really feels like a no win situation. My father in law just returned from two weeks away and was so happy to return home. Goodness this is terrible.
All I can suggest is that you and husband focus first on finding your FIL's next step, and having good, workable ideas to present to him. If the conversation - as in, The Conversation - starts with 'hey Dad look at this isn't it great!' rather than 'Dad. This isn't working...' you are going to feel much less mean when you initiate it, and your FIL will be hearing a positive suggestion rather than an implicit rejection.
And after all, what you want is for him to be living somewhere where he can enjoy a happy life as a free agent, yes? This is *true*! You're not trying to kid anyone! But there's nothing wrong with your also being quite keen on the corollary: that you and your husband get your life as a couple back at the same time.
Oh God, so glad to be back... That must have felt terrible. Like you'd kicked a kitten. Never mind! - eyes on the prize, onward and upward...
The poor old guy isn't doing anything terrible or wrong. But he's just *there*, all the time, and it's not in the marriage contract. And it's not going to ease up with time, either. If this situation is let alone, who'll be holding the (big) baby when FIL becomes seriously dependent on personal care?
At 75 and in good health, FIL can manage for himself during the day. It sounds like he is still grieving and lonely (which is quite an adjustment!). When my mom passed, it took my dad almost 2 years to get passed that wandering "I don't know what to do with myself" stage. It does get better with time.
In the mean time, I took steps to give him a little bit of the life he was used to (but not too much!). "The yard needs mowing today. Can you take out the trash?" In other words, I wifed him. LOL It worked wonders. And then I slowly weaned him off of it as he got a new routine for himself. I don't know if your MIL did alot of this with your FIL, but it may help some.