My Dad (94) and Mom (82) live in a nice Independent Living Facility where one meal/day is provided. They have many acquaintances and join in the multitude of festivities the community provides.
They function well as a team, though the situation will change dramatically when one passes. Dad can walk, is 95% deaf, and had glaucoma laser surgery 2 months ago - so vision is not optimal. He walks with a walker because the deafness has left him with no equilibrium. Dad's latest brain scan determined his brain had begun to "atrophy."
Mom has little to no lower body strength but still manages to get around with the help of a walker - though getting up and down from a seated position has almost become virtually impossible. We are probably one year away from a motorized wheelchair - if that long.
Recently Dad ran a routine errand in the car, about 3 miles from his home, and ended up lost, 30 miles away, getting ready to go up a ramp into oncoming traffic. Through the GRACE OF GOD he was stopped and both car and Dad were brought home by police. As a result, DMV received a notification of the incident and, Dad has subsequently had to turn in his license. Dad CONTINUES to remain adamant that he was "just confused" and got turned around and that he can drive and has been doing so for 80 years.
Since the loss of his license, his anger has escalated to an uncontrollable height. While he doesn't act out physically, he emotionally abuses my mother who is already beginning to lose HER mental faculties. Her short term memory is not good, so I would not say she has Alzhemers, but possibly early onset of dementia.
The emotional abuse has always existed in the 64 year marriage, but the escalation because of the loss of his license (which is, of course, my mom's fault) has become so problematic my mom wants to leave. She loves him. She can't stand him. He is killing her. She cries at the thought of losing him. She wants to live with me. She can't leave him. I sit by and listen and try to encourage her to the best of my ability (from 5 states away), but it is killing me to know how abusive he has become.
Mom now must drive him to his appointments and, by the time they return home, she has to "take a nerve pill" just to be able to breath and keep from having a nervous breakdown (my words, not hers). He yells and tells her what a lousy driver she is the entire time they are driving.
The obvious solution is peace will come when God's time has come. MEANWHILE, what can I do to keep my Mom from having a full on nervous breakdown and get my Dad under control. He will not allow her to visit any other single ladies in the community because he fears she will "share their business." He accuses her of flirting with other men and workers throughout the community and brings her to tears. She tried to hire a cleaning service because she has ALWAYS kept an immaculate home, but he will not allow anyone in his home! I love my Dad and Mom, but my Dad is no longer the father that raised me. He is a constant victim, never takes responsibility for anything that happens in his life, has never once uttered the words, "I'm sorry", and has no empathy or sympathy for any other living human being except ME! I have an older brother but their relationship is different because my brother shares many of my dad's traits. I simply am seeking anyone's thoughts on how to 1) keep my dad from mentally and physically destroying what little time my Mom has left and 2) get my Dad under control.
Any comments, thoughts and ideas are MOST WELCOMED!!
SIGNED,
A very frustrated, very sad, loving daughter.
My suggestion is to get him on some sort of antianxiety drug. Celexa has been a miracle for my father. Really toned down the nastiness and accusations.
Does the facility have a van service to take them to appointments? Sounds like mother does not need to be driving as that makes her the bad person now.
Most importantly, you may consider being your mothers advocate and act as a buffer. She most certainly does need to get out of the apartment and socialize as much as is possible.
The stress of living under his domination may be too much for her. Only you can be the judge of that. I urge you to consult the staff at their facility. Consult with their primary doctor. My empathy for you ....this is tough!
And for the safety of the world at large, if your Mom is getting dementia....the car has got to go. If father is that angry, he may just drive for the heck of it someday.
Best to you!
I feel like I have stood on my soapbox and preached to you, but I have just been through this in the last 12 months and I thought I would share what we had to do. Sorry to be so matter of fact. All of this is not pleasant but necessary.
I am going to investigate the Celexa. My challenge is getting him to agree to take it. He is still sharp enough to get on his computer and look up drugs and their side effects. Once he knows the side effects, then he usually decides to have one or all of them, then he stops taking the drug. He refuses to take the ARACEPT previously described.
Regarding the van that takes people places, dad won't use it. He seems happier when he is just complaining about things. The vans go out to the stores for 60-90 minutes and he complains he gets tired and cannot stay that long.
I will be visiting next month to make another assessment.
Thank you, once again!
I'm also watching out for them from 600 miles away. Dad doesn't know it but I've been taking care of the bills and finances for some time now. How far are you from your parents?
Also, how are you fixed to handle their affairs as things get worse? Do you have POA, are the wills and end of life affairs drawn up? You mentioned that your brother has some "issues". Does he cooperate in their care?
I suggest you check with the Alzheimer's Association for classes in your area to learn about what they are both going through. It will be very helpful to you as well as you try to understand what all is about to start happening.
My brother and I have established all of the necessary estate docs, wills, POA's, HIPPA approvals, etc., that are needed. But dad still handles all of their financial affairs.
As for my brother, he was diagnosed with salivary duct carcinoma last year; has been treated & is in the periodic checkup phase. Mentally he just checked out on worrying about mom and dad and figures whatever will be...will be. I understand and that's why I am pretty sure the future caretaking will fall to me. I will never move mom in with me, but WILL move her closer into assisted living when that day comes. She wants to be near me and would come willingly.
You are blessed to have a dad who is loving to your mom!!
I'm also the sole caregiver for my folks due to the early deaths of my brother and sister. A few years ago I would never have imagined that I would be all alone in this, but you do what you have to do. I've managed ok so far but the really hard stuff is yet to come like getting the car keys, transition to assisted living and so on.
I'm in northern Mi but my folks are in WV where I grew up. It's about a 10 to 12 hour drive deepening on weather and construction. I was down home for a week just recently. Every time the phone rings I get a knot in my stomach thinking I'll have to jump in the car and head out. Oh well, such is our life........
It sounds like the safest and sensible solution is to sell the car, or give it to a charity. Get it out of there. It is natural for your dad to be despondent about this. The problem is that he is taking it out on his wife. Without being judgmental of your father, your mother deserves some protection. On the other hand, she has chosen to put up with this kind of behavior (if less extreme) for 64 years.
Both your parents apparently have dementia. Sad. Hideous. Terrible. And Not Your Fault. There are some treatment options that may make the situation more tolerable. But it would require their cooperation. Do your best to increase their quality of life. But also keep in mind that this is Not Your Fault, and all you can do is your best.
We'd love to hear how this situation progresses. We learn from each other!