I feel guilty because I am close to wanting my Mom (89) to die.
I am her oldest son and only member of the family handling all aspects for her life and business. I moved from the west coast to look after her more closely on the east coast, giving up my life of 20 years there. I am single and have not made any friends where I am, although I know there are so many outlets and organizations to help me there. I just am depressed all the time, so I have no energy to go meet people and additionally, i have nothing to bring to the table anymore except going on and on about my mother or my sister's dysfunctional family that I am a sounding board for. Alot of the guilt stems from the money situation. As POA I must make sure she has enough money to live on for as long as it takes. On the other hand the 3 kids (including me) are expecting an inheritance. I am doing well handling her portfolio, making sure both needs are being met. I have raised her income and net worth all the while increasing her ability to be cared for and our ability to have a decent inheritance. If I was completely an angel, I suppose I would not care about the inheritance and simply put mom in the best facility possible and watch our inheritance whither away to nothing. If that happened, I would basically be on the street But more about mom. She is going to be 89 in June and she has had this disease for 6 years now. I have been through the wringer with everything, and again, all alone. From getting rid of all the furniture, pictures and knick knacks in the house, to doing an HGTV makeover on the house to get it ready to sell and finally selling it. I have put her in 5 facilities for one reason or another. I moved her from the best facility because the cost was getting too high and her long term insurance was running out. Again with the money. I feel so selfish.
Anyway, she is incontinent, in a wheelchair full time, has to be fed, and literally is 100% immobile. She is moved with a hoya lift from bed to wheelchair to bed. I have visited her regularly since now being in the same town and i buy all of her incontinence products which are alot, and buy whatever necessities her caregivers ask for.
There have been some missteps with her caregivers, although they say she is one of her favorites, they have 25 on the wing and my mother, as others, cannot be given the full time attention they mostly deserve.
I have watched my mom in all sorts of decline. Her internal health is great. She has a strong heart, healthy lungs, and a strong appetite. She just isn't speaking so much anymore and when she does it is mostly garbled words. I used to have so much fun with her, but that aspect of her has diminished.
So I am in year 6 of being the sole caretaker for everything and unless you have been me, you have no idea how the day to day takes a toll on you. I don't know if I am depressed because of taking care of mom, or my depression wants it all to be over so I can get on with my life, what ever that may be. I am starting to see a therapist next week and a psychiatrist in a month. Back on my anti depressants as well. I have insomnia too which does not help matters.
There is no love lost between my younger sister and her mother and my brother is far enough away to divorce himself the feelings it takes to go through this.
So I am getting very tired of all this. I know she brought me up, raised me right, fed me, clothed me and the like and i should do everything in return, but raising a child who with time, learns to take care of themselves and provides hours of amusement, is not the same as caring for someone who continuously declines in health over years and years and years. I want this to be over with and I know she would too. I am so drained, but feel so guilty with those thoughts creeping in my head.
You are right that caring for a declining parent is not the same thing as raising a child. Note the verb raising carries the meaning of upward progress. There is not any upward progress in taking care of an elderly parent.
It is very likely that the inheritance will be spent on her care and her care needs will increase. What kind of work did you do in CA before you moved to NC? How are you supporting yourself now? Do you have a part time or full time job?
There are plenty of people here who understand your plight. You are not alone.
Take care and keep in touch.
Actually our inheritance will not be spent. She maintains enough income from the portfolio plus SS to keep her going indefinitely. When I took over the finances, I was able to grow both the principle and income to the point where we are getting by without selling anything. That is good, but I also gift money out to me and my siblings once a year for make them feel I am not using all her money for myself and to have something for me to live on. I also still work with my mom's stock broker so it is on the up and up.
I am also an introvert which does not help matters when making friends and at 57 it is harder and harder. I don't go to church as that is not where my belief system lies and am, for lack of a better word, asexual, so no interest in finding a life partner. All this adds up to a not so great scenario. So I take trips and try not to feel guilty when I am gone. It is just the only real meaningful conversation I can have with anyone is about my long term care of my mother, so people tend to stay away for single topic people. I am glad i am going back to therapy as well This Monday. Looking forward to it
I doubt your own social security income at retirement will be very big with your dropping out of the workforce early. Enjoy your trips and have a good meeting with your therapist on Monday.
Keep in touch.
Please don't feel like your are alone. I had 4 brain Aneurysms and a stroke and am now the sole caregiver of my 90 year old mother. I am so overwhelmed and feeling like you... Guilty because I just want this to be over. Two months ago my mother and I came to Florida to give my last sister living a break. She had her left breast sawed off due to an aggressive cancer a few months ago. She is a OB/GYN doctor and now the only bread winner in our family. When she had the surgery I had to take care of her, my Mommie and three dogs. Before my surgey I was independent and the one that fixed all the broken things in our lives. I have never lived for myself. Always took care of our Practice, Mommie and everything. Now I must try to develope a new life and can't seem to master it. I am now in our retirement home in FLORIDA which is a place I know. We have been here for two months. I am on disability but still doing a lot of work for our Practice in Alabama from here. My sister drove 10 hours on this past Friday and left Sunday to bring me summer clothes and three big bags of work that needed to be completed. It is tax time and stuff that needed to be imputed to the computer with credentialing stuff to try and get her Florida license.
Mommie doesn't do anything for herself. She can't use the toliet because it is to low and she can't get on and off of it. She uses a port a potty that I have to carry to a room and empty and clean when used. Cook for her, give her meds and fight and argue with her because she is never pleased. She moans and groans very loudly all the time. This makes me feel nervous and unhappy. I have really bad headaches and am depressed. She is a diabetic and needs to go on dialysis probably. I think she also has breast cancer because she has a huge lump in her breast that leaks. But being ninety doesn't not allow us to address these things with a doctor other than my sister because she couldn't and wouldn't do surgery or dialysis. She is now very confused and combative. Unpleasant and not nice. She walks on a walker from her room to the TV room but does nothing else and she can do something's for herself but doesn't . She calls me every five minutes to change the channel on the TV or to do something. I have a lot of work to do along with showering her and medicating her hurtful area on her body. She doesn't nothing but complain. Moan and groan loudly. Overwhelmed. I am 55 years old and having issues I am trying to overcome to develope a life so that I may live. I wanted to die after my month in intensive care with my head split opened in a differnt state that I lived in. I was not aware that I had the surgeries until one year later and was living with my sister. But as you can see with the text of my writing I have been blessed enough to heal in someways but not all. Everyone expects to much from me and the friends I thought were friends are not anymore. Including my sister.
You're "beaten, battered and bruised"? Who did this to you? This needs to be reported. While you can't afford to put your mother in a nursing home, it may be time to get the application process going for her to get Medicaid? Who has durable and medical POA for your mother if anyone?
I'm not clear about the bags of paperwork that your sister gave you. Are you expected to do her tax return?
What do you mean by "credentialing stuff to try and get her Florida license." Does this mean that your sister is not a licensed doctor in the state of Florida?
Take care of yourself and please keep in touch so we can continue to support you in your journey.
I know you did not mean to make me feel bad, but i do. I feel horrible for you and your situation and while I don't discount my own troubles, I feel alot more blessed than I did a couple of days ago. Thank you. I am sorry you are having to endure what you are going through. No person should have to do that.
It sounds like you are stuck in every which way possible. Do you have an ALZ Association chapter anywhere near you? Perhaps you can get some support there.
OMagnum was right. You need to start the application process for Medicaid. And you should start a new thread to focus on you. I appreciate you responding to my thread, but there are plenty more people who can lend you support with a thread of your own. Just copy and paste what you wrote here on a new one.
I wish I had some answers for you. I personally do not believe in God, but if you do, I would reach out to a minister, or a church for support and put all your faith in whatever deity you do believe in.
I too have many health problems that I wish I could concentrate on 100%. I am very fortunate that my mom is in a facility that we can afford, but don't think that lessens the burdens I feel. The stress I feel, the guilt I feel.
Yes, I just had to do mom's taxes. 6th year in a row. I am eating horribly at this moment and drinking way too much wine. I do not drink at all, but I need something to drown out the mental and emotional pain.
Are there any nursing schools nearby where you can inquire if any of them want to do an internship? It would at least give you a break for a few hours and would be free. If that kind of thing exists.
Again, thank you for your words. Stay on here and keep involved with other people's threads. It may just help you a little bit.
A big hug for you.
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