My mother-in-law loves going to the doctors, lots of doctors, and is constantly getting labs done and tests for all kinds of maladies. We have to do all of her driving and shopping because of her vision, but she's starting to get extremely weird with the shopping lists. She can't just request jelly, it has to be a certain brand, sugar free and seedless. She very rarely asks about my husband or myself, but will talk as long as you allow it, about minute details that relate to her health. She started to tell my husband about bowel problems, so he stopped her and told her to tell the doctor. That's not a topic he wants to hear about, but she continues to do it. I feel like this manipulative woman is taking its toll on our marriage. She will call at 8:30 p.m. and tell my husband to come and take her garbage out. She had him shop for her, a trip in addition to her weekly shop, and when he finished and came home, she called him and said she forgot to get something. When my husband said it would have to wait for the next shopping trip, she got angry and hung up on him. I don't even like to call her anymore. I don't enjoy talking to her or being around her. I feel like since we are both retired now, she loves it when she can have him all to herself. Anyone going through this???
Poor woman. Her vision is impaired and she's no doubt lonely. Perhaps one of the places her son could drive her would be a senior center. There would be activities she could do there even with limited vision. Most of them serve a hot lunch. She needs some things to think of besides her health.
But as much as I sympathize with MIL, she should not be allowed to disrupt your lives. You deserve to enjoy your retirement. Shop for her on shopping day. Say no to requests for more shopping than that. Or rather her son should say no, and mean it.
She cannot manipulate you if you are not willing to be manipulated. Let her get mad. Let her hang up. Do for her what you agree to do. Say no to everything else.
BTW, getting very specific with the shopping list does not seem weird to me. Why shouldn't she get what she wants -- as long as it is available without making trips to other stores?
There are varying reasons for it, anxiety and depression are two. Medications can help, if you can get them to take the meds. If your husband has the authority, he can discuss it with her primary. The primary is probably already aware of the issue. I learned that if the family member can be in touch with the doctor, attend appointments together and encourage her to work with just one Primary and a psychiatrist, it can help with the aliment obsession. They can set up a plan for her care, in light of her perceived condition. It's very challenging to deal with, so I do understand where you're coming from.
Also, a number of things can cause people to be rude, self centered, demanding, etc. Maybe, she's just that way or it could be a part of the mental thing that causes her to have psychosomatic illnesses. In many, I think it's attention seeking. My cousin got that way when she got dementia. So, I'd work with the doctor. It might be an indicator of something that she can't control.
Otherwise you and her son are enabling her to continue to live in her house. Why should she move, her lifestyle hasn't changed because you are filling in the blanks.
And it will eventually only get worse. I remember my cousin's Mom, who was in her 90's, wanted him to sleep over at the house because she was afraid to be home alone at night. So here was this married son, who was in his 70's sleeping on the sofa.
As for the doctor appointments, they are mainly for reassurance that everything is ok. My Mom would do that. She was in her 90's and she felt good when the doctor would say "see you next year" :) In the mean time, I didn't go to my own doctors for several years as if I sat in one more waiting room I was going to scream :P
After my Mom had passed, my Dad [94] moved into Independent Living and he really enjoyed being there. These places are expensive but it was within my Dad's budget. It cut our running around time in half. And he was around people his own age, more new ears to listen to his stories :)
Hope everything will work out to make this a win-win situation.
There were a couple things that curbed this "need" to go to the doctor. First, her PCP retired and we found another doctor she didn't like so much. Second, I started tuning her out or saying that something, e.g. a red spot on the skin or a bruise, was not unusual. I'd show her my own spots and bruises.
I think that going to the doctor is like a social outing to certain older people. Mom and I usually go out to eat after going to the doctor -- something she expects, regardless of the time of day. I also think that many older people feel that going to the doctor keeps death away from their door. For trivial matters, we know it's not the case.
If your mother's sight is poor, Joysuthe, it will probably be hard to find things to involve her. What I would do in your husband's shoes is to go shopping for her and maybe take her out to eat once a week just to spend time with her. He could probably be a good judge whether her ailments justify going to the doctor. Does she call the doctor herself to make appointments? That is always a problem.
She fakes being frail. She stupidly does too much and injures herself.
She makes an effort socially (show timing). She sabotages social occasions.
She exaggerates her ill health. She plays down her ill health.
Joysuthe, you find this woman extremely tiresome because and therefore (both) you don't like her. She eats up attention and time from your husband; this annoys you; and that is fair enough. Fortunately, she's not your mother. Support your husband in creating humane but firm boundaries with *his* mother, but otherwise leave him to get on with it. Then she won't get on your nerves nearly so much. Oh - and if your husband complains to you about her, smile sweetly, sympathise broadly, and recommend he consults a counsellor about setting healthy emotional boundaries. Don't let him make her your problem.
From your descriptions, especially the fall and the not using her call button incidents, I would say the game she is playing sounds suspiciously like dementia. Does she have any known medical conditions such as heart disease or diabetes?
Anyone else going through this... I'm fairly sure my SIL's description of my late mother would have resembled your own in many ways. Manipulative, clingy, controlling, passive aggressive blah blah blah. My mother loved my brother, her favourite child, and adored seeing him. She was just evil like that.
My mother's team consisted of a geriatric neurologist, a neuropsychologist ( 3 hours of paper and pencil testing), a psychiatric nurse practitioner and brain imaging.
My mother was " sharp as a tack" but increasingly anxious about quite irrational things. The geriatric psychiatrist who was treating her anxiety pushed me to get mom cognitive testing. Mom's memory was quite good, but an undetected stroke have made mincemeat of her ability to reason.
I'd encourage your husband to pursue some real answers.
But, all that aside, it sounds like you just don't like your mother-in-law. Fair enough. I don't like mine either. If Hubs wants to rush over there to babysit her and take her and father-in-law out every day to eat, go to it I say, just leave me out of it. Know one can push your guilt strings without your permission.
Then she wanted to change her curtains and bed spread with each season. Again, I had to explain that most of us don't do that for ourselves and it was too much to expect from friends, no matter how much we wanted to help.
At another point in time, she wanted me to drive 45 minutes from my home to a deli and then drive another 45 minutes to her and bring the purchase. This drive formed a triangle. I was working full time and helping a spouse with chronic issues. I had to get past my desire to help her or I would burn myself out.
Push back and begin to take messages from MIL and push back with her. Gee, husband is busy tomorrow I'll check and see what day he can stop by. You should be able to enjoy your retirment and if she CHOOSES to stay in a house that no longer works for her, the consequences are hers. Stay strong.
Hubby's boundaries might be different. That's OK. Altho if hubby's boundaries are softer, his acquiescence to Mama could put a dent in your marriage.
These are TOUGH times. M-I-L could carry on like this for another 5 to 20 years. How old will you and hubby be then? And will you still have respect and patience for each other??
Here's hoping hubby agrees that his relationship with you is his driving force, and not his relationship with his mother. Aspects of M-I-L's care and "need"-fulfillment can be (lovingly and respectfully) outsourced. Nurturing your marriage cannot be outsourced.
Keep coming back here for support and guidance. There are more options than you realize.....and certainly more options than hubby and M-I-L are willing to entertain.
This is a sh*tty time to have to redefine your life. The key is for YOU to take an active role in the re-defining.
If you don't establish healthy boundaries early and often, this whole thing will flip on you.....and your life will redefine you. Not good. Don't "go there."
I agree she is manipulative selfish & imagines her diseases. But she is lonely and thrives on attention. Many people actually become addicted to medical attention and welcome every test and investigation.
Save yourself and your marriage and set the boundaries that have been suggested. Stop being absorbed with her goings on. Let hubby handle it and get on with your life and simply ignore her, she is not your responsibility so don't waste your emotions on her