Hi everyone,
I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions lately. My mom who lives with me and my partner has rectal cancer. The tumor is small enough to be operated on and has a 95% chance of remission, however my mom's decision was that she was not to be operated on. Her two reasonings are questionable.
#1. She feels that once they open you up, the cancer spreads like wildfire. Is that true?
#2. She would have to wear a colostomy bag for 2 months, however it is not guaranteed that it would be just 2 months, or if --- forever due to the delicacy of the intestine/colon issue and reattaching. She is still traumatized because my grandfather committed suicide due to wearing the colostomy bag. But this was back in the 70's and they have made so much improvements with this.
So this means that she needs to get more radiation done. We're trying the direct radiation at Sloan's Ketterings in NYC -- the type where they put you out for 6 hrs and go inside with a direct hit from the radiation. This is only 3 times. BUT --- this is not guaranteed it will work. So plan C would mean to keep taking her to radiation or chemo treatments, which puts out a lot of her daughters (us) which drive her to each appointment.
If she gets the surgery, it'll be a one time shot and the 95% has us reassured that she'll be ok. It is stage 1 and has not spread or has gone through the walls. It is the simplest and most logical route per our doctors. But she says no. Again, this would be easier on ALL of us, but because of her fear, we have to go these routes which are very challenging.
I sort of feel bad for feeling angry. I love her very much. We had just lost our father to cancer 3 years ago and now we're going through the same rigmarole again with mom -- taking her to radiation every single day and midnight calls up to the ER because of sepsis infections, etc., etc..... We would do ANYTHING for her and we are -- but is there anyone out there who can give me an answer to whether the operation would spread the cancer more?
It feels like my life has been put on hold. We had to hold off our annual vacation (which is sooooooooo needed) and we also had to make a lot of adjustments because of her decision not to undergo this important surgery.
I just need some advice, maybe a kick in the rear if need be. I feel a bit miffed. A bit sad. A bit scared.
I'm sure you all have gone through similar situations. I hope I don't sound like a selfish person. But but but... :(
I do not know anyone who has had this type of surgery who survived. (Which is bad.) Our close friend had bladder cancer like my dad. They both had surgery, and both died soon after. So that thought in her head alone has made her ultimate decision. I'm going to look into cancer support groups for myself (hardly any in my local area) but try to see if I can get some concrete info regarding this type of procedure. I mean, she has all the info from the doctors who have all told her it was the safest and most effective route, but she still thinks otherwise due to the passing of her husband and friend - and all within a year's timeframe.
*sigh*
I get it. I just wish she didn't base her decision on her experience, but that's very hard to convince someone when they've seen people go after surgeries. And it had really nothing to do with the surgeries itself. My father was stage 4 with other major health complications.
Thank you for the tips. I'm going to hunt around for some info and support groups. She needs something.
Appreciate it!
I'm so incredibly tired, not only from the process, but from overthinking and obsessing over this. "What ifs" and negative thoughts which I have to stop. She's my best friend and the thought of losing her was always my worst fear in the world. And I know that people (especially older) are to be expected to age, fall ill and such and such. I feel like I'm sinking into a deep depression again and I have to snap out of it so I can help her.
I'm so tired.
Thanks for letting me vent. You're absolutely right -- she feels like she's walking my father's pathway....
And you are right! She watches all of these lawsuit commercials (plus a ton of game shows) and keeps calling this number to see if she can get a settlement on if a certain medication caused my dad bladder cancer. But they said no because he was a major smoker --- 4 packs of non-filtered Camels a day! So they were like, "No way."
A friend of the family died. She was in her 70's too. She had bladder cancer (non-smoker) and on the 4th operation, something went wrong, but nobody got the EXACT reason why. So Mom chucked it up to, "Ah see? Anytime they open you up it spreads!"
Oddly enough, all my my siblings and I are really pulling together and actually getting along, so that helps a lot. But I was thinking of having some sort of corny 'intervention-like' thing where everyone kinda persuaded Mom to get this operation.... she has a few years left ahead of her --- maybe even a decade...??
The doctors are all like, "Well, we have to respect her choices......" (Yada yada yada.) I get that. I mean, yes this is HER body, but I'm sitting here like, "AHHHHHHHH we have to stop everything and just live in oncologists' offices from now till whenever!!!" I'm so frustrated and I WILL do anything I can for her because I love her with all my heart. But but but ----- I wish she would just think for a moment and be brave and go through a minimal surgery instead of doing these HUGE tasks of a less promising circumstance.
Thanks so much for reading my problem. It helps a lot.
But I can also understand your Mom's fear... wonder if your Mom had seen those lawyer advertisements on TV about cancer spreading if a certain surgery was performed, it would put fear in anyone thinking about any type of cancer surgery no matter how it is done.
Your best bet would be to talk to your Mother's surgeon to see what he/she feels are the prospects.
Now, that's MY mom. It's usually pretty easy for me to convince her of things. Sorry that you're going through this, and that I'm not of much help!