My name is Debbie, my parents have a 24/7 caregiver! My Mom is 91, blind, 80% deaf, has Stage 2 colin cancer and hard headed. My dad has sever dimentia, Parkinson's and that is the main reason they have 24/7 care. There are so many problems. First, my Mom doesn't like the caregiver, she is from Ghana and she can't understand her. She takes (the caregiver) care of my Dad's toileting, bathing, puts him to bed, gets him up and dressed, etc., I feed him his lunch and sometimes breakfast. I go there every day and bring their food, make their food, take them to dr. appts., do housework, pay bills and take care of their finances, etc. I'm there about 3 hours a day. My Mom has nothing much good to say to me, my Dad is pitiful, has to wear diapers, be fed, his hands don't work. My mom argues with him, if he says something that is absolutely not true. Makes him mad. The girl there can't cook! I have to put their dinner on plates and give specific instructions on what to heat, and what not. She once microwaved an egg salad sandwich!!! She's been spoken to more than once about scrubbing my dad to hard, his skin is thin. My mom has me read her bank statement every day because she can't remember and is sure they'll be living under a bridge in a year. I'm not getting any help at all from my brother!! Okay, I've bitched enough, any suggestions?
I am a full time caregiver to my Mother age 82 and Father 84. My father has stage 5 altzheimer's. My Mother suffers from back pain and manages the pain with pain meds, pain patches and PT. My brother handles their finances for them. My younger sister does nothing and sees them when she feels like it. I do hire in a caregiver once a week to relieve me. She does not bathed my dad though. I do that. I suggest you get a better caregiver who can speak and understand English. Who is willing and able to help with meals. Sounds like you need more help. Can they afford it? Someone to do the housecleaning...maybe help take them to appointments. How do you feel about nursing home especially for your father who has dementia. Is he bad enough yet? I mean if you aren't okay you will burn out and noone will be able to look after their welfare or take care of them. Good luck there are no easy answers. I wish you all the best as I do even for myself.
You have EVERY right to be angry and frustrated, because they just don't get it. The one's that take care of them are the one's that they hate, and the one's that rip them off and don't care about them are the one's that they love.
None of us want to place our parents in a nursing home. But when it gets too hard, and you have your own family to deal with, sometimes it's best. I am blessed on one hand that my brother and his wife live with my mother, but on the other hand I am not blessed because I have to block all of her money and her accounts. Otherwise, he'll just go through her money. With that, I am the villan in the family.
In all of my dealings with this, me and my husband decided to get Long Term Care insurance because I don't want to put my kids through what we're having to deal with with my parent.
I hope that you two have a wonderful, stress free day.
Margaret
I hope everyone had as good a day as they can. I am glad that I don't have to mess with my mom's finances. I only pay her rent from her social security check. She sold everything a long time ago. It has been a rough week. I am so glad that I found this website because it is nice to talk to other people in the same situations. We can vent together and get and give suggestions. Have a good weekend. Robin
We must take action, as talk is cheap and we need to add more value to our talking by doing it.
I'll be praying for you.
They are financially abusing her, but I won't allow her to get to the other money that I have in a savings account for her. Therefore, I am the villan.
I know that I have to die to self, in order for God to heal me and in order for me not to take this personal. It's so very hard and I am trying to get on track with this.
Family is something else and can be your worse nightmare.
Of course your child comes first, there should be no question about that. Don't allow them to put you in a guilt mode.
You must put a stop to this - take action. You'll need to step back and only do when it's absolutely necessary for you to do so.
Are you being paid to be their caregiver? Even so, you should still be treated with respect and allow them to do the things that they are capable of doing on their own. If you're not being paid, and if they have Medicare or any other supplemental insurance, you need to see about getting paid.
Good Luck!
Cindi
I just saw a book entitled "Elder Rage" by Jacqueline Marcell on another post. She said that we have to start start setting some boundaries and use behavior modification, which will be very effective.
She said that we first need the “Jacqueline Marcell Emotional Shield.” Put it on every day and then don’t let anything that they say bother you. Allow all of the negativity to bounce right off you. Then after they make a nasty comment, or do something out of line, say calmly, “Oh Mom or Dad, I love you, but that wasn’t very nice to say. You know, when you are ready to talk nicely to me—I’ll be back”. And then just leave the room. No arguing, no yelling, no attitude, just set your boundary EVERY time.
If you do this enough, they'll start to get it. And then most importantly, when they are being nice to you, be sure to acknowledge it, give compliments, throw in a gentle touch, hug or kiss—and you will be sure to get lots more of that behavior.