Frustrated with my mom! I am at the end of my rope!
I don't know how to really begin this discussion because I am sooo confused and frustrated with my mom. I am new to this so bare with me. I am 41 years old, married with 2 boys and help care for my 72 year mom. For as long as I can remember my mom has been a hypocondreact (spelling?) and always going to the doctor for something she can treat over the counter. And now when she is really sick she won't go to the doctors and tells us, "I gotta feel better to go". Really?
And this situation with her has literally been going on for the last 15 years and in the last 4 months has been the worst of it all. She has more health issues to arise since May when she went to the hospital in a diabetic coma and they told us it would be a miracle if she made it through the weekend. She made it and I thank god for that miracle but she is worst more then ever now.
My mom is diagnois with (in order)Conjestive heart failure, COPD, Bronchitis/pneumonia, Kidney disease, Coronary disease, high bloodpressure/hypotension, Diabeties, and Anemia. She also has gout!
She won't stay in the hospital long enough to have tests done cause she raises all kinds of hell at the hospital to the point she refuses treatment. And THEY LET HER OUT! I know they can't hold her against her will.
I never know what I am gonna get with her! Sometimes I get mean mom and sometimes I get nice mom. I thinks she also has undiagnoised Borderline Personality disorder!! She doesn't tell us all the doctors say or she lies about what the doctor says. I confronted her yesterday about that. She tells me,"Yes I do tell you all what the doctors say!" I told her I am not arguing with you and no YOU DO NOT! She is the same way with my dad, and my dad takes the blunt from her.
I am trying to be a good daughter and do the right thing but I can't when she fights it all the way! I am tired of the guilt trips she gives me and then tells me that it is her life and her business to stay out of it. I said okay, just remember you said it!
When she was in the hospital back in May, before the ambulance was called. I did everything moved her, helped her to the potty, cause my dad had hernia surgery in April and wasn't suppose to lift anything over 40lbs. We didn't know this was a diabietic coma she was in cause this is the state she is always in right before we call the ems. But anyway, when she starts coming out of things. She tells me I am the wicked witch and I just want to fill her shoes. All because I called the ems. Long story short, she checked herself out and the realizes she wasn't ready to come home so we moved heaven and earth to get her back in and then after about 4 days she is starting her crap about coming home. She doesn't get nothing straighten out.
So she has been back in the hospital twice since then. On July 20th she was there over night when she pulled that crap. Then nine days later she was right back in there, and that is when they labeled her COPD. She was in there for 5 days and started the crap again. They want to do a test on her to figure out what to do about her heart because that is what is trigoring all these additional health problems. She has been nothing but mean and hateful to both me and my dad. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. And does not want to listen to anyone. Not the doctors, not me, and not my dad.
I love my mom with all my heart but she is wearing on my nervous. I know I have been rambling on this post and I may not have told all the story correctly but hopefully you will get the jist of things. My dad pulled POA on her this last time so she couldn't check her self out this time. And I don't know why dad didn't tell them to do the test? There is so much more to the story to tell but don't know really where to start! 15 years is alot to tell about. I am just giving you a small issue of the big picture.
She is always telling me she doesn't want to be a burden on me and I always tell her you are not a burden and that I do things I do for out of love and the kindness of my heart. But this last time she told me she would not ask for my help. I said okay! So she calls me last night and hints around about having to make a doctor appointment. She thought I would just volunteer to take her like I have always done in the past. She pegged me wrong. I made her ASK ME!
Thanks for hearing me ramble on! If you got any questions or some type of advice it would be greatly appreciated. Cause I am tired and like I am at the end of my rope!
Years w their grandma. Mom may step up-more likely she will test u. This is when u must show her thru ur actions, and standing ur ground that u r not playing. DO NOT GIVE IN. Help her ONLY if she does what u have spelled out as to what you r willing to accept. U will need support to do this. Keep coming back here, and consider some counseling for Xtra support. Remember when Lisa told her mother she'd leave if she was ugly? And she did. U have to take a similar tactic w mom. Also, read some books on borderline PD and or setting boundaries. good luck, let us know how u r doing. Kimbee
Her comment to you, "You just want to fill my shoes" makes me feel she is angry because she is losing control. Maybe she's been use to being the boss all her life and pulling the strings. Now she's afraid she is losing her power over others, her health and life in general. She's going to be more angry and accusatory as a result. It could also be she is showing some signs of dementia.
None of this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I agree with Kimbee that you should have a discussion with your mom, describe the manner in which you are willing to be involved in her care and keep to those boundaries. Not always easy, but if you can do what Lisa and Kimbee have suggested, you may get her attention. You are there to help her, but there is nothing you can do if she refuses to cooperate in getting her health issues resolved.
How does your dad feel about this? It's interesting that he could use his authority as POA. Often that is not possible if the person (your mom) is considered of sound mind. Maybe that's why he couldn't order the test.
You said your mom has had occasions when she has slipped into a diabetic coma. Is this because she is not managing her medications or continues to eat the wrong things?
My heart goes out to you. Please stay in touch. We are hear to give you support and learn more about your circumstances.
Lots of hugs, Cattails
(((((((hugs))))))) Joan
Lisa, ur story is an amazing one!! When I was reading the threads I cried, I laughed, I cheered for you!!! Today I have started setting boundaries with mom. She asked me if I was mad at her, I told her no I am not mad but very very hurt by her actions.
Kimbee, I have told my dad when she behaves this way it is like have a 2 year old again. I am setting the boundaries.
Cattails, u hit the nail on the head about my mom with loosing her control. Mom has always been a control freak and she is loosing that control and she can't handle that! About the POA, that was done back 2008 when she was of sound mind. They did that incase something like this happens. It is a Durable POA but I am not sure if without them actually labeling her not of sound mind, if dad could push for the test. I am a little confused on that. So I will have to do some checking on that. On the subject of mom's diabetic coma, that was the first time and she was not checking her sugar count like she was suppose to or blood pressure. Her reason for that was because she didn't feel good. I told her then that should be the reason TO Check it often like she should! And at that time the doctor was treating her diabeties in pill form, since the coma they have taken her off that and is now on insulin. On that trip to the hospital (coma) one of the doctors told me he believes mom has the start of dementia but I am not sure if he wrote that down in her chart. The last two trips to the hospital where for her breathing. She didn't stay long enough to let them help her or diagnios, then this last time she was diagnios with COPD. They have changed some of her meds around and she is not happy about that. And she is not clear on why they are doing it. I told her if she had stayed calm long enough for them to explain it to her she would know why!
Joan, I am prepared for her testing me, I hope. Every once in while she will throw a curve ball at me and I hope I recover fast. Haha. I know I shouldn't laugh but it helps.
Had a lady call me from the hospital about home care therapy. Very nice lady, and she wanted to verify the address and phone to where mom will be going home to so she could schedule a visit. I asked her to repeat that just to make sure I heard her correctly. She did and added going home to when she will be released. I told her mom was released Saturday, the 4th. Her paper work said she wasn't supposed to be released till the 10th of August. I verified the address and told her I lived three houses up from my parents and gave her my dads cell number. And she asked if I could be listed as an emergency contact. I told her yes cause that is what I am suppose to be. I thought OH BOY, what has mom done now. I will keep you all posted on this. Not exactly sure what is going on at this point.
Thanks again Kick Ass Girls!!!! Kim ((((((((HUGS)))))))
I don't know what kind of doc your mom has or if she is willing to change, but her doc should be willing to make a referral to a geriatric doc who specializes in dementia or refer you to the proper specialist.
This is one step at a time and your dad does have to be on board. He may not want to do something that will make her angry as he may be use to taking a passive role. It's just something to talk about with him. Plant some seeds, etc.
Keep us posted. Love, Cat
Most of the time I would leave when he would start getting stupid, but his particular time, he was in the ER, they were busy with REAL patients and didn't get to him as fast as he thought they should.... I think that time he was withdrawing from pain meds... anyway, he wanted to be straightened up in the bed, I was going thru the motions of leveling the bed, he was a big man, not easy to move, and he started bellowing like a wounded moose..... I got right up to his ear, and said... SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE!!!!! It shocked him so bad he actually shut up... the nurse has stuck her head in, I gave her a thumbs up, she smiled and left....
I got to where I rarely went anymore because it was 'little boy crying wolf', he finally went to AL, didn't play his step and fetch it games then either... the family is still trying to say I didn't do my part... Yes I did, I just did it different than them...
NO VERBAL ABUSE accepted.... you are getting off on the right foot... you are not alone.... so keep coming back, letting us know how things are for you... we are here for you.... hang tight to your butt.... it may not get better right away, but it will get different.... you are an awesome daughter for putting up with it as long as you have... so remind yourself often of Lisa's story.... she is a pure inspiration for all of us.... so sending you hugs, angels and chocolate... we can use all of the above.....
Tell us more about your dad. Does he have impairments? Does he welcome your involvement, or is that a sticky point, too?
Since May and the diabetic coma, has Mother been more diligent in monitoring her blood sugar levels?
As for my dad, he will be 73 this year. He doesn't hear so well and I have tried to have him go get his hearing tested but he refuses. But besides that and the hernia surgery, he is in good health. And yes he welcomes my involvement and doesn't make a decision about mom without consulting me first. And I do the same. But I think he is seeing now that he has to be firmer where mom is concerned. He doesn't know what the right thing to do is, so I guide him. He is good man but he has his faults too. He has a soft heart. He drinks but he is not violent. He will tell u how he really feels though when he drinks. There has been times when I get so mad at mom I tell him, "Dang, I now know why you drink!" My dad has never been uptight like my mom. He is fun to be around especially when he tells stories of his life. We never hear of stories from mom about her life except on very very rare occasions.
Now about mom be diligent about monitoring her blood sugar levels. She did really great when she first came home and was monitoring it like she is suppose to and then right before the breathing incident she slacked off. I had to get on her about it.
And of course she tells me she will in a little while because she doesn't feel good. I told that is when TO Check. I make her do it before I leave.
I forgot to explain what kind of test they want do that she is refusing. They are having problems keeping her heart rate stabilized and that aggravates the COPD. I am not sure what exactly the name for the test is but they go thru the groin with some electrodes and they want to see what is causing the heart rate to keep bouncing like a ping pong ball all over the place.
I will answer more to previous threads posted on here tomorrow. I am going to bed. So thanks again!! Sweet dreams!!
I am gonna start off by answering Jeanne's question. Then I am gonna tell you all a little more about me so you all can understand where I am coming from when I say things I say.
Jeanne, She is suppose to take her blood sugar counts when she gets up and then take 16 units of Levemir insulin. She is also suppose to take her sugar count 15-20 minutes before she eats, depends on the reading on how many units of Novalog insulin she takes. Base line for the Novalog is 6 units. Reading over 200 she adds 2 units to the 6 units = 8 units. over 300 she adds 4 units = 10 units. over 400 she adds 6 units =12 units. She is suppose to do Novalog 3 to 4 times a day. It is really easy, well I say easy because I am not the one doing it all the time. She has the new type of Insulin out there that come in this tube called a pin, all she has do is put a new needle on it and measure out the units she needs, take it and through the needle out. I know it sounds simple but I am sure it is not to her.
Now, let me explain a little more about me. When I was born, I was premature and was considered a Reubella Baby. Doctors told my mom that I could be born severally handicapped or possibly missing a limb or two. But my mom had the courage to continue with the pregancy. Thank goodness because I would not be here to day. Mom control every aspect of my life since the day I was born. I couldn't do this or that cause she would say no. But let me back up a sec. They didn't see anything wrong with me at birth. Story told I wouldn't crawl like normal babies and I wouldn't sit up, doctors claimed it was failure to thrieve. Problem with that is mom was so over protective of me she wouldn't put me in a play pen but instead she would lay a blanket on the floor in what ever room she was in and lay me on it. Any way when I was in first grade is when my disablity was noticed. First they thought I had a speech problem but as it turns out it wasn't it was my hearing. Results from the hearing test was no hearing in one ear and 60% in the other. I always hate the hearing I had to wear in Elementary because kids where cruel. Mom wouldn't let me ride my bike around the block cause I could not hear the cars coming. I couldn't do this or that cause of my hearing. As I got older they came out with they call miracle ears and I got one. I recently had to get a new hearing aide and the is the BEST I have ever had. Others didn't live up to the expectation I hoped it would have. This new one is AWESOME!!!! I can hear things I never thought I would hear again. The older I get they said my hearing will get worse. DUH! My one good ear is at 40% now.
So I agree with you Ladee, to a degree, on the comment you made What He Can't Hear Doesn't Upset Him. Lord knows I have lied to my mom several times because I took my aide out when I went down there, just so I didn't have to hear her. I gave the excuse giving my ear a rest from the aide. But the problem lies with my dad is he doesn't always hear what the doctors are trying to tell us. I am not afraid to ask the doctors to repeat what they are saying and I explain to them my condition and they are always happy to oblige. And I have learned to read lips since I first learned I was hearing challenged. When I speak you would never know that I am hearing challenged.
I am married to a wonderful husband of 20 years and I have two boys, one is 20 and the other is 18. No they are not boys but young men and they will always be my babies no matter how old they are. :) 20 year is not living at home and has moved several states away. Sigh! But he had to do what felt like he needed to do. 18 year old is starting college in the Fall. We have our own business. So between running the business, dealing with mom, pay bills and trying to keep house (cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry) it is all so exhuasting.
I will have to stop writing long threads. LOL! But once I get on a roll I don't know when to stop sometimes. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Lisa, Beth sounds like a doll!!! Good for her!!!
Dad and I are going with Mom today to the doctor so we can straighten out her meds and ASK Questions! I will let you all know how it goes.
The only way I've been able to find to deal with it emotionally is to pull myself out of the whirlwind she creates. When people talk to my mother, she seems very sweet and meek. If they only knew what I go through. Something she does that makes things very hard is pulling the old switcheroo. She'll tell me that she wants to do something, then when we do, she'll say that she doesn't and that she never told me that she did. She has dementia that she turns on and off at times, so I'm not really sure how bad her dementia is, since I haven't found a way to get her in to be evaluated. Her PCP is not concerned about it.
I used to be concerned all the time. Then I knew I was killing myself, so I had to pull back emotionally and do what I can do. The problems that she has now have been lifelong, but have increased in intensity in the past 15 years. Pulling my emotions out of what is going on is the only way I've been able to handle it. The only other thing I could do is leave.
Your mother's insulin routine is the same as mine. You are right that it is easy (if you are in your right mind -- it would be impossible for my demented husband or my confused mother). But it is not exactly pleasant and I can understand putting it off and procrastinating. BUT checking the blood sugar and giving the insulin are both tied to eating. "I'll do it later," doesn't make much sense unless you're going to eat "later." And insisting that she does it before you leave also doesn't make much sense unless she is going to be eating within about 15 minutes. The 15 to 20 minutes before eating means NO MORE THAN 15 to 20 minutes. It does not mean at least 15 minutes. I've been told that in a restaurant I should wait to do it until I see the waitress coming with my food. Taking insulin and not eating promptly is dangerous. (Saw the results of that when a member of group I was travelling with took her insulin in the hotel before we went out to dinner. Bad decision! Sorry for her, but I'm glad I got to see it ... sure reenforced the message about not taking insulin too soon before eating!)
Medicare covers visits to a Certified Diabetes Educator. I recommend this! Many clinics offer individual sessions and/or group sessions. You and/or your father should attend with Mother, to be sure you understand how best to deal with this demanding disease. For example, learn what/how a diabetic should handle insulin and eating when she is sick. You all should know this, so you can encourage Mother appropriately. That is my opinion, anyway.
Diabetes is just a small part of the overall picture here. I'll dwelling on it because I same experience in that area and it is (I hope) a contribution I can make.
Vstefans, it is a Durable POA and it covers every thing. Cattails advice was to have her be reviewed for Demenita and make sure it is charted. Dad will have to do that because I don't have that authority.
Jeanie, I also forgot to say she has to check her sugar count 2hours after she eats just to get a reading. And I have told her taking insulin and not eating is Very Dangerous! And we accummulated a Diabetic Specialist when she was in the hospital for the coma. I really like him. Because she was getting her diabetic issue treated at her General Practice doctor, whom I think is a quack. Been telling her that for years. But the quack is out of the picture now. And I really Like the team of doctors that has come on board during the coma visit to the hospital. She keeps threatening to fire them all. She claims they aren't doing anything for her, they are but she doesn't see it and it doesn't help she refuses tests that needs to be done. Contributions are always helpful!! Thanks.
I need to go get ready for the doctors appointment. Be back later. (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))
Mom tells me while we are eating the lady that called me yesterday got a hold of her and she is coming by tomorrow at 12 noon. I told mom don't tell me cause dad is gonna HAVE to be there!!! She asked me can't you just come down? Nope cause I don't live there and dad does!
Cattails, you are correct in understanding that POA is my dad, not me.
I took her out Sunday just to get her out of the house and she didn't take her cell phone so I ended up looking all over for her. Found her sitting on a bench at the side of the store and not where we agreed to meet up at the front of the store. I was only getting a few items and she was gonna stay on one side of the store.
I am not going down there like I was. I just can't and besides that I doing projects around the house. I am trying to finish redoing my youngest son's bedroom and I am almost done with it. Once done with that I am gonna start on the spare bedroom.
With mom she is like a box of chocolate, you never now what your gonna get. But she makes me feel like a the almond joy commercial, Sometimes I fell like a nut sometimes I don't. She is goes through stages right now she is the calm before the storm.
I will keep everyone posted. Thanks again for the support!