I don't know how to really begin this discussion because I am sooo confused and frustrated with my mom. I am new to this so bare with me. I am 41 years old, married with 2 boys and help care for my 72 year mom. For as long as I can remember my mom has been a hypocondreact (spelling?) and always going to the doctor for something she can treat over the counter. And now when she is really sick she won't go to the doctors and tells us, "I gotta feel better to go". Really?
And this situation with her has literally been going on for the last 15 years and in the last 4 months has been the worst of it all. She has more health issues to arise since May when she went to the hospital in a diabetic coma and they told us it would be a miracle if she made it through the weekend. She made it and I thank god for that miracle but she is worst more then ever now.
My mom is diagnois with (in order)Conjestive heart failure, COPD, Bronchitis/pneumonia, Kidney disease, Coronary disease, high bloodpressure/hypotension, Diabeties, and Anemia. She also has gout!
She won't stay in the hospital long enough to have tests done cause she raises all kinds of hell at the hospital to the point she refuses treatment. And THEY LET HER OUT! I know they can't hold her against her will.
I never know what I am gonna get with her! Sometimes I get mean mom and sometimes I get nice mom. I thinks she also has undiagnoised Borderline Personality disorder!! She doesn't tell us all the doctors say or she lies about what the doctor says. I confronted her yesterday about that. She tells me,"Yes I do tell you all what the doctors say!" I told her I am not arguing with you and no YOU DO NOT! She is the same way with my dad, and my dad takes the blunt from her.
I am trying to be a good daughter and do the right thing but I can't when she fights it all the way! I am tired of the guilt trips she gives me and then tells me that it is her life and her business to stay out of it. I said okay, just remember you said it!
When she was in the hospital back in May, before the ambulance was called. I did everything moved her, helped her to the potty, cause my dad had hernia surgery in April and wasn't suppose to lift anything over 40lbs. We didn't know this was a diabietic coma she was in cause this is the state she is always in right before we call the ems. But anyway, when she starts coming out of things. She tells me I am the wicked witch and I just want to fill her shoes. All because I called the ems. Long story short, she checked herself out and the realizes she wasn't ready to come home so we moved heaven and earth to get her back in and then after about 4 days she is starting her crap about coming home. She doesn't get nothing straighten out.
So she has been back in the hospital twice since then. On July 20th she was there over night when she pulled that crap. Then nine days later she was right back in there, and that is when they labeled her COPD. She was in there for 5 days and started the crap again. They want to do a test on her to figure out what to do about her heart because that is what is trigoring all these additional health problems. She has been nothing but mean and hateful to both me and my dad. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. And does not want to listen to anyone. Not the doctors, not me, and not my dad.
I love my mom with all my heart but she is wearing on my nervous. I know I have been rambling on this post and I may not have told all the story correctly but hopefully you will get the jist of things. My dad pulled POA on her this last time so she couldn't check her self out this time. And I don't know why dad didn't tell them to do the test? There is so much more to the story to tell but don't know really where to start! 15 years is alot to tell about. I am just giving you a small issue of the big picture.
She is always telling me she doesn't want to be a burden on me and I always tell her you are not a burden and that I do things I do for out of love and the kindness of my heart. But this last time she told me she would not ask for my help. I said okay! So she calls me last night and hints around about having to make a doctor appointment. She thought I would just volunteer to take her like I have always done in the past. She pegged me wrong. I made her ASK ME!
Thanks for hearing me ramble on! If you got any questions or some type of advice it would be greatly appreciated. Cause I am tired and like I am at the end of my rope!
I don't know what kind of doc your mom has or if she is willing to change, but her doc should be willing to make a referral to a geriatric doc who specializes in dementia or refer you to the proper specialist.
This is one step at a time and your dad does have to be on board. He may not want to do something that will make her angry as he may be use to taking a passive role. It's just something to talk about with him. Plant some seeds, etc.
Keep us posted. Love, Cat
Lisa, ur story is an amazing one!! When I was reading the threads I cried, I laughed, I cheered for you!!! Today I have started setting boundaries with mom. She asked me if I was mad at her, I told her no I am not mad but very very hurt by her actions.
Kimbee, I have told my dad when she behaves this way it is like have a 2 year old again. I am setting the boundaries.
Cattails, u hit the nail on the head about my mom with loosing her control. Mom has always been a control freak and she is loosing that control and she can't handle that! About the POA, that was done back 2008 when she was of sound mind. They did that incase something like this happens. It is a Durable POA but I am not sure if without them actually labeling her not of sound mind, if dad could push for the test. I am a little confused on that. So I will have to do some checking on that. On the subject of mom's diabetic coma, that was the first time and she was not checking her sugar count like she was suppose to or blood pressure. Her reason for that was because she didn't feel good. I told her then that should be the reason TO Check it often like she should! And at that time the doctor was treating her diabeties in pill form, since the coma they have taken her off that and is now on insulin. On that trip to the hospital (coma) one of the doctors told me he believes mom has the start of dementia but I am not sure if he wrote that down in her chart. The last two trips to the hospital where for her breathing. She didn't stay long enough to let them help her or diagnios, then this last time she was diagnios with COPD. They have changed some of her meds around and she is not happy about that. And she is not clear on why they are doing it. I told her if she had stayed calm long enough for them to explain it to her she would know why!
Joan, I am prepared for her testing me, I hope. Every once in while she will throw a curve ball at me and I hope I recover fast. Haha. I know I shouldn't laugh but it helps.
Had a lady call me from the hospital about home care therapy. Very nice lady, and she wanted to verify the address and phone to where mom will be going home to so she could schedule a visit. I asked her to repeat that just to make sure I heard her correctly. She did and added going home to when she will be released. I told her mom was released Saturday, the 4th. Her paper work said she wasn't supposed to be released till the 10th of August. I verified the address and told her I lived three houses up from my parents and gave her my dads cell number. And she asked if I could be listed as an emergency contact. I told her yes cause that is what I am suppose to be. I thought OH BOY, what has mom done now. I will keep you all posted on this. Not exactly sure what is going on at this point.
Thanks again Kick Ass Girls!!!! Kim ((((((((HUGS)))))))
(((((((hugs))))))) Joan
Her comment to you, "You just want to fill my shoes" makes me feel she is angry because she is losing control. Maybe she's been use to being the boss all her life and pulling the strings. Now she's afraid she is losing her power over others, her health and life in general. She's going to be more angry and accusatory as a result. It could also be she is showing some signs of dementia.
None of this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I agree with Kimbee that you should have a discussion with your mom, describe the manner in which you are willing to be involved in her care and keep to those boundaries. Not always easy, but if you can do what Lisa and Kimbee have suggested, you may get her attention. You are there to help her, but there is nothing you can do if she refuses to cooperate in getting her health issues resolved.
How does your dad feel about this? It's interesting that he could use his authority as POA. Often that is not possible if the person (your mom) is considered of sound mind. Maybe that's why he couldn't order the test.
You said your mom has had occasions when she has slipped into a diabetic coma. Is this because she is not managing her medications or continues to eat the wrong things?
My heart goes out to you. Please stay in touch. We are hear to give you support and learn more about your circumstances.
Lots of hugs, Cattails
Years w their grandma. Mom may step up-more likely she will test u. This is when u must show her thru ur actions, and standing ur ground that u r not playing. DO NOT GIVE IN. Help her ONLY if she does what u have spelled out as to what you r willing to accept. U will need support to do this. Keep coming back here, and consider some counseling for Xtra support. Remember when Lisa told her mother she'd leave if she was ugly? And she did. U have to take a similar tactic w mom. Also, read some books on borderline PD and or setting boundaries. good luck, let us know how u r doing. Kimbee