My mother has POA and lives in a different state is retired and cares for my father with heart issues and needs to be there to help him some. The problem is grandma doesn't want to move in with mom or go to a facility of some kind and insist she can live independently. She can't walk well or drive anymore and cannot live without depending on someone to take her to dr. grocery, pharmacy, won't follow dr orders and keeps getting sick and hospitalized monthly if not more frequently. When she gets sick (frequently)she usually is incoherent and out of it. But she has times she is of sound mind and says she won't be put away and she is staying in her home. Mom feels that she that as long as she has periods of soundness and doesn't want to go anywhere that she cannot force her to move in with her or go to facility. Most of the rest of the family feels like due to the periods of incoherence and her inability to drive or care for herself independently that her staying alone is dangerous because she doesn't know when she has lost her faculties and cannot care for herself. No one is able to move in with her and she doesn't want them to and she won't go to mom's so she can care for her 24/7. Even with grandkids and her daughters doing things (going to dr hospital, cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking when we are able to be there) she is at home alone most of the time. There are some family nearby but none of them are able to be there or get there 24/7 because they care or are caring for themselves or other family members. They believe she isn't sound enough to be alone and aren't able to help any more than they already have and want Mom to take her her home with her or put her in a facility. Mom says she can't make grandma and won't put her anywhere against her will. The doctors have been led to believe that she has someone that can be there at any moment or can check in enough that we can catch something before she hurts herself or gets hurt. But that is not the truth, some have jobs or illnesses of their own and cannot just drop whatever to get there at a moments notice and mom is at least 2 1/2 hrs away. Mom says she will do something when the doctors tell her she has to and she has no choice. There have been incidents the doctors know about that where grandma did dangerous things when she wasn't in her right mind and was sick. No doctors have said Grandma cannot live alone or requires 24 hr attention or forced Mom to make a decision for 24hr care.What do we do? What can we do before grandma falls, ets hurt or dies?
In some ways, she sounds to be in a similar situation to my mother. Ma, 92, cannot drive, walks painfully with a walker, has a hard time following doctor orders, can no longer cook but can use microwave. She is living alone in a senior citizen high rise. Obviously she is not "independent." Here is what my sisters and I have arranged for her:
Meals on Wheels. She loves it and we know that someone comes to her door daily.
Microwavalbe meals in the freezer.
Homemaker service to do her laundry and clean the small apartment.
Visiting nurse to monitor her meds. She is getting a timed pill dispenser to help ensure she takes only the meds she should each day.
One son (disabled himself) is able to to visit her almost daily. He is now on vacation and "the girls" (as Ma refers to her 4 daughters) will be increasing their own visits during that period. Ma has family visits several times a week.
We are now a little concerned about bathing, and we will be working out a solution to that.
In other words, Ma is living alone, but not "independently."
Before considering a care center for Grandma, someone should take charge of getting her in-home help, as we did for my mother. For us, this started with contacting Social Services in her county. Social Services prefers the smaller cost of keeping elders in their homes compared to a nursing home and they really do help locate resources to make that possible.
Any one who is familiar with my posts knows that I am NOT anti-care centers. Often that is the best solution for everyone. But it is not necessarily the first choice when elders began declining. Often giving them the support to stay at home "safely" can be the first step.
I put "safely" in quotes because her is the bottom line: My mother is going to die. Your grandmother is going to die. (So are you and I.) No one is "safe" against that absolute certainty. My other is at risk for falling, and she has fallen at home, and might fall in a nursing home. My husband (dementia) has swallowing problems and he might choke or aspirate at home or in a care center. We cannot arrange to keep our loved ones 100% safe. We can take reasonable steps to minimize their risks.
Good luck to your family as they work this out.