Guilt is overwhelming me!
I am back on here the doctor up my meds because I was depressed since the last time I was on here it help a lot. Today it was very hot again and I was busy taking care of my Mom all day which I don't mine but when she ask me to heat up her yogurt I told her no that is pushing it. Mean while all the fans are on been getting her to drink more water. Because she is drinking more water she is peeing more and she pee in her pants but she wears one big pad plus 6 little panty liners so some got on the sides of the underwear so I was helping her and we took the pads off and I said we don't need to change your underwear so I put fresh pads but now I am feeling like I did wrong she was okay with it But I felt guilty and said sorry that I didn't want to heat up her yogurt I get impatience sometimes and feel so horrible after, my sister and brother don't even offer to help they live an hour away just makes me mad. I am also cooking and doing laundry for my Step Dad I ask him to put the glass jars in the recycle today he said I will show you where to put them I said I am to busy besides that's not my job and I am very busy which I was, then he said I am busy too reading the newspaper I just bit my tongue and said to my Mom I can't do everything she said I know your not a slave? I thought to myself I wonder sometimes.
Im caring for my mum and step dad, but i don't live with them. I work 3 days a week, i care for them another 3 days (cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening).
Mum has dementia and her husband just had heart surgery so im helping as much as i can, but also trying to hav some sort of life for myself and husband.
Like you i feel such guilt the days i am at home and not working, they know im home doong mu own chores and having time wth hubby. But im totally spaced out on this day, (usually Sunda) coz i feel so guilty im not helping them.
We just hav to do rhe best we can and not feel guilty.
If i were you i'd try to nicely say to step dad that you need a bit of help ,(putting out recyclin etc) and try to hint that you have alot to do.
As I read it, there are two very significant things wrong in that household.
1) Your mother has a chronic and debilitating disease that will get worse over time. That is Not Your Fault. I don't think science quite understands exactly what causes Parkinson's but I have never read a theory that it is caused by the children.
2) Her husband is not helpful in her care. We could speculate a lot about why that is, but again, it is Not Your Fault.
So the two major "wrongs" in that house are Not Your Fault. In your mother's case it is also not a moral issue. It is a little harder to say about StepFather, but if it is a moral issue it is HIS moral issue.
The other parts of caregiving are just normal day-to-day decision making. Sometimes we make excellent decisions and sometimes we later wish we'd make a different choice. For example, while shopping you narrow your choices down to a red shirt or a yellow shirt. You buy the red. When you later want to wear it you realize you have very little that goes with it. Do you feel guilty? I hope not. Buying shirts is not a moral issue. Maybe you learn from your mistake. "Next time I'll check my closet and my jewelry case before I shop."
Heating up yogurt or deciding whether to change the undies along with the pads are NOT moral issues. They are just a few of the hundreds of practical decisions we make in the course of a day. Learn from the results of these decisions. If you feel bad about not giving Mom what she said she wanted, then try to do it next time, and the time after that. If you notice while helping Mom to bed the the undies really were wet and have irritated her skin a little, vow to always change the undies. Or if all is well, remember that the pads are precisely invented to prevent the need for changing undies if they are not wet.
If you are mean to your mother out of frustration some day, feel guilty. Apologize. Forgive yourself. Try not to do it again. But the non-moral decisions of caregiving? Dear, flooding your psyche with guilt over those is just masochistic and does not make you a better caregiver.
Also try to develop some perspective on the magnitude of the decisions you have to make. Whether or not to warm up yogurt is hardly on the same level as whether or not you should encourage Mom to try a new pill, or whether to honor her Healthcare Directive. If you treat each and every one of decisions you have to make as a caregiver as Critical and worthy of Guilt, you will go bonkers long before your mother no longer needs you.
How can you accept that not every decision is a moral issue, and not all decisions are equally important? Joining a caregiver support group would be excellent. Reading on this forum should help you put things into perspective, too. If guilt continues to overwhelm you, sign up for some counselling. You cannot be at your best for yourself or for you mother if you are constantly overwhelmed by guilt.
I bet if you took a break for a couple of weeks, go on vacation with a friend, Step-Dad would finally step up to help, or he would call in one of your siblings or one of his own children to help out. It would be interesting to see what happens.