I've been visiting my mom (who is at home w 24/7 care) 2-3 times a week. I live in NYC, so I spend a lot of time on the subway getting there and back. I was going to take her out to dinner tonight, but I'm not feeling well and am supposed to be going away this weekend.
I'm really the only one who visits her regularly and gets her out of the house. Her friends have passed away and other family lives far away. Her boyfriend visits every other week; he lives an hour and a half away and is 85 and my daughters see her when they can.
She is not the least bit interested in an adult daycare program, btw. So my visits are really the only thing that break up her week and she checks in with me all the time to review when I'm going to come.
So of course I feel guilty and like I should just force myself to go, even though I'm home from work today and feeling under the weather. I know many of us have been there. I just hate thinking of her alone for days on end. She has aides, but they don't really socialize.
I don't know what is ailing your mom, but, I would consider that it's something that you can't control or fix.(Getting her doctor to rule out a medical cause like depression.) Even if you lived with her 24/7, it wouldn't likely be enough. So, I'd try to be more pragmatic about your abilities. I suppose that I'm blessed, because I don't take on guilt, unless I deserve it. It sounds like you are working overtime to accommodate her. If she can't see that, then, there must be a reason.
She definitely has cognitive issues since the stroke. Her short-term memory is bad and she is convinced she can walk even though she can't. Something was going on before the stroke for sure. She was drinking a lot and depressed, more so after a mastectomy and then fecal incontinence issues (understandably). Anyway, I do what I can do. I told her I'm not coming today and she's sorry to hear that, but not mad or anything. It's just that pretty much her only pleasure these days is going to a restaurant and/or visiting with people. She won't even watch TV.
And if she is not pleasant with you and/or offer you positive reinforcement, no wonder you may not look forward to the visits.
If she refuses to go to outside daily activities, what about paid, professional visitors? They can be introduced to her in various ways, but, provide a highlight in her week that does not involve you.
With all the symptoms you describe, has she been checked for cognitive decline or depression? That could explain some of her behavior. My LO had similar behavior prior to her dementia diagnosis. Ruling out medical reasons for her forgetting things, neglecting hygiene, spoiled food, papers piling up, would be helpful, JUST SO YOU KNOW what you dealing with.