Observing my MIL's behavior has brought me clarity! Ever since her last “crisis” I decided to observe rather than to do, do, do. I have discovered she does things for ATTENTION. My MIL is in her 90’s. She is sharp. She loves attention. She is wealthy. She is spoiled. She is a manipulator. She loves gossip. She is incredibly insecure. She is the most difficult person I have ever met in my life. Observing her behavior has given me so much clarity on how to handle her. Over the holiday weekend, I observed her behavior. On our drive to sour sibling's house, we weren’t in the car for more than 5 minutes and she started, it’s always the same topic, her wealth and the inheritance. I just listened and observed. She does this to stir the pot. It makes her feel powerful. My husband finally told her to STOP! He stood up to her (which he never does) and she deflated like a balloon. She lost her power! She sulked the rest of the drive. We arrived at our destination, she ate her lunch without uttering a word. For the rest of the afternoon she barked orders at other family members. Continued her usual behavior. I observed everyone doing doing doing for her. I got up and took a walk. During my walk the puzzle pieces finally fit together. This woman does this for attention. She has done this for years. It’s toxic behavior. I usually sit there and listen to her though this time I didn’t. It was eye opening! On our way home I was mostly quiet which I noticed drove her crazy. I just didn’t engage in her toxic conversations. She kept asking me why I was so quiet, over and over again. I think she finally realized I had enough and had figured her out. After a hour of silence we were almost back to her retirement home and she made a list of several stops we needed to make for her before we dropped her off. Oh boy this triggered my Husband. He was done! We made the stops. Got what she requested. Took her back to her apartment and abruptly left. I observed her facial expression. It said it all. She looked like a child caught red handed in the cookie jar. Crap, they have figured me out! So, I am expecting her to have another “crisis” anytime. Though this time I will observe. Detach emotionally & physically from it. Continue to pray for my Husband thru it. Pray for MIL to realize this behavior is not necessary for attention and know that she is loved.
Sometimes I answer the phone, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I call her back, sometimes I don’t… and I don’t care! It feels so good to not care because you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t so I’d rather “don’t” and save myself.
The difference this time. (note to self)
#1 breathe. observe. Is it really a crisis? No.
#2 I refuse to get physically and emotionally. I have a choice.
#3 Stay out of the triangulation with MIL, SIL and Husband.
#4 Hold healthy boundaries.
#5 Have compassion for My Husband thru it. Though it is his family and he is a big boy, It’s his choice how he manages it.
#6 Love MIL from a distance
Wow! I am making progress!
Nobody would believe the things she's said to me--as she'd wait until we were alone to hiss horrible things at me. No witnesses and DH always said "Be the bigger person".
After 44 years of this, I no longer wish to BE the bigger person. I don't want anything to do with her.
The inner peace that has come with stepping away is great. DH isn't happy about it, but he can figure it out for himself.
People who are masters at manipulating other people will usually try to attach an emotional element to it - be it anger, hate, guilt, panic, etc. When your judgement gets clouded by super-strong emotions, it becomes much harder to think clearly - sort of a fight-or-flight reaction. If the manipulator can ramp things up to almost an emergency "call 911" situation, it often becomes much easier to get people to do what they want.
I hope if MIL follows her patterns and has a "crisis" in the not-too-distant future, you will come back and tell us what you observed.