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I moved home to change careers. Dad got sick & died of cancer. I left school to care for him. I am stuck at home getting help from my mom till I graduate. I'm back in school but mom hates me. I buy food, clean the house, do lots of things. Since I have been here, her health has deteriorated. We share a car and I don't have enough money to pay for groceries and the car. She complains that she has to make the car payment and insurance payment. I feel bad but until I finish school I am using 1/2 of my money to care for her and my almost 50 year old brother who lives there and does nothing. I tried to appease her by being home all the time, but I gained a lot of weight and now have Type 2 Diabetes. I have to go to a gym to workout to get the weight off. My mom did not give in to me going out until she saw how sick I got.

Still, if I go out with friends she feels I have no reason doing it because my time is better spent at home taking care of her and not using any extra money I have for clothes, entertainment, etc. When I am home, she won't allow me to clean the house as I want. She has become a hoarder. She fights with me even if I don't throw anything away. Her room is disgusting and I can't even get through it. If I try to clean her bathroom she yells and says mean things to me and tells me to get out.

She also cannot move around much, but whenever my brother and his wife come over with their kids, she begins to cook a huge meal and expects me to fall in line and help her or take over without anyone else's help. I work full time on my feet with a very physical job. I also go to school full time, and I have a business on the side of cleaning two offices. This is the only way I can afford gas when I buy groceries.

I'm stressed. I am only good as I was the day before. Each day I have to prove myself, do what she wants, or I am either deemed as disrespectful or unthankful. I have no life of my own, and just the thought of me having a love interest makes her extremely angry at me. I am so miserable and sad. At times I want to just end my life. I can't leave her because everyone will make me the bad guy, but living like this is worse than dying. I have 3 other brothers and sisters and I am the main one who does everything. I also have a syndrome that leaves me extremely tired. This along with the diabetes is very hard to deal with, but my mom only says how she has had it hard and I am younger and should have no problem doing what she asks. The truth is that I do.

I don't think there is an answer to any of this. I'm just venting.

I

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Hello HPY. I just read your post and I do feel for you. I admire that you are so patient and forgiving. Even with all the negative comments or negativity that you are experiencing right now in your life, you are still trying your best to help and improve the situation. I think most others have given their comments/advice. I just wish you all the best and that hope things work out for you.
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Blannie: I did say I was venting, re-read my post please.
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Answer to Blannie, Country Mouse, & Veronica: If I go back to nursing school in Michigan, I can't work while in school. Michigan is very different than other states. There is not a "working persons" course like friends of mine in Ohio and Missouri. You have to go during the day, Monday through Friday, and clinicals are also during the week. The weekend is for catch up. I have gone to 9 different colleges in my area and they all said you cannot work and do the programs they have for nursing. While finishing my degree I obtained CNA, EKG, and Phlebotomy certs. I applied for two years with no success. I was told I either had to have experience or I was over qualified because of my nursing education even though I never graduated. Much of this also has to do with the area I am in. In Michigan, they do credit checks before hiring. I had squatters in my condo I was renting until I finished school. I could not afford the payments while not working so I decided to rent my home out. The squatters caused me to go into foreclosure. I was able to sell my home on a short sale, but it did affect my credit. There is a lot of controversy here in Michigan because we were the capital of foreclosures from 2006-2011. Many had to leave the state to find work after losing their credit ratings.

I plan on leaving my mom's house after I save enough to get my own place. My mom knows this. My other brother, his wife, and his family is going to move into my home and my lazy brother will move into my brothers condo. This way our home has room for my brother and his kids. My lazy brother needs to be on his own. This is all because my mom put up a ton of money to bring down my other brother's house payment so my lazy brother could move in and make the payments. This will occur soon. Once I move out, I will be close to check on my mom and make sure everything is ok.

I appreciate the constructive criticism I received here, but not the comments of Jeanne Gibbs. I don't care how she comes across to some of you, with the way I feel especially dealing with depression and anxiety, I don't need it. I'm sure she probably meant well, but don't tell me you will give me a "wake up call" when I am dealing with one. She made comments that were presumptuous. Ask first before you think you understand my situation. I can clarify. For the most part, I enjoyed the help I received on my question. Lots to think about and work on.
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So my question to you is once you get your degree and hopefully a job that pays more, what is going to change? If your mom doesn't appreciate what you do now, do you think her attitude is going to change one bit when you're making more money? You could have her in a luxurious house and your mom would still be criticizing you and not saying a word about your brother's lack of help. It's the family dynamic that's been established through years of practice.

If you're in your 40s, I would presume your mom is in her 60s, which means she could be around (and making your life miserable) for 20 or 30 more years. My mom is 94. Do you want to live like that for the next 30 years? Even if you make more money, she's not going to want you to get out and date and have a life beyond taking care of her.

And if your mom is a hoarder, your life will be a living h*lll. I've watched Hoarders on TV for several years and those folks are a sad, sad lot. They're also very abusive and manipulative to anyone trying to get them to change their ways. You see that already with your mom. It won't get better, it will only get worse. Much, much worse.

The only information we have to go on is what you tell us. Jeanne Gibbs is one of the most reasonable, compassionate commenters on this whole site. If she sets you off, then I don't think you'll like what the rest of us have to say either. My advice would be to get out as soon as you can, but I don't think you want to hear that either. So maybe you just need to vent. Just tell us that and we'll listen. But if you want to really change your life, you're going to have to make some decisions that your mom (and your do-nothing siblings) won't like.
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I agree with Veronica, and I'm sure her advice about how you might make your nursing career goals more achievable is very good advice.

I wonder, too, if you might find it helpful to take a step back and think more clearly about what YOU would like to happen? I know how hard it is to see any way out when you feel as if you're surrounded by problems. Imagining where you would like to be, and what you would like to be doing, in a year's time, or five years' time, can give you a jump start and show you what problems to tackle in which order. I don't mean this unkindly, but you give the impression of a person who can't see the wood for the trees…

Remember, you can't solve everything all in one go. Little bits of progress would be great for your morale and help you deal better with the big things too. Good luck, keep us posted.
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You Mom does not hate you. She is a user and abuser and mentally ill. You have received a great deal of advice here. You have the absolute right to your own opinions as do others on this forum. People tell it like they see it. It is not a personal attack. Do you still want to be a nurse. Why not start as a CNA. many hospitals offer free training for that followed by a work obligation and may go on to pay for LPN training. You can probably get credit for the training you have already received in your RN course. Finish your BA now you are very close and then reconsider. Where there is a will there is a way.
Mom will continue to cling to you like a leach and suck the life out of you. Continue to rant it helps a lot but be prepared for some suggestions you don't like. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen and as an alternative writing your rant in private may be more helpful
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Jeannegibbs: I won't answer all your questions but a yes to school loans, alternate housing, looking for counsel, etc. I am resourceful. I am here because I am out of options. Also nursing school in Michigan is very diff. You have to wait on a list 2-4 years. Once you are in, they tell you not to work. Clinical times change, class times change every 10-16 weeks. I wAs in nursing school. You study8-10 hrs a day and do clinicals. I have to work. There was a time when my dad was alive I could be supported but since his death I have to work. Unlike your relative I don't have ample money and time to go back. And I don't care if my mom calls me disrespectful, I know she is wrong but verbal abuse takes a toll. Take your opinions elsewhere. I am a survivor of domestic violence, almost killed by my ex. I ended up in a hospital and could not walk, talk, or feed myself. Everyone was ready to institutionalize me but my mom and dad. They were my therapists. Without them, who knows where I would be?! Yes I feel an obligation and a torn rationale of right and wrong but my God find someone else to comment on. I'm on a rant. I feel horrible and I'm gonna end this now
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Gladimhere: yes I go to university of phoenix. With my time constraints I could not go to a regular school. Another individual mentioned using my school counselor or moving to a dorm. Those are not options for me since my schools dorm is in Arizona. I don't have a counselor that deals with this at my disposal either. I will take responsibility for my mom because I refuse to watch her suffer when others don't take action. I tried it before and she ended up on the bathroom floor for hours after I tried to "make" my brother accountable and take care of her for an afternoon. I know you get it, but some ppl would rather me treat my mom as disposable. I refuse. Thank you for your advice. The other individual I don't need. I feel low as is. She/he can experiment with tough love on someone else. Don't I feel like enough of a loser?
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HPY, I hope the program you are in is a reputable one and not one of the for profit colleges we are hearing about on the news. Several weeks ago I also saw a segment on 60 minutes about how Detroit has started to turn itself around in some of the worst areas because of money that developers are bring into the area. There could potentially be some very inexpensive places to live in Detroit that are safe. Find the 60 minutes segment on the internet, maybe it will give you some more ideas
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You are the one with all the responsibility because you are the one taking all the responsibility. You are 44 years old. Your mother can't "make" you do anything you decide not to do. Really.

My post may seem kind of harsh. I'm sorry. Your reality right now is very harsh. It needs to change. You deserve it to change!

Mother deems you disrespectful .. and? So what? Her opinions about you are obviously not based in reality. If you leave, everyone will make you the bad guy. Really? Everyone? The instructors at your school? The people you work with? Or other members of your dysfunctional family? The situation is so bad that you think about ending your life, and yet you worry about what other people will think if you take action to improve it. Does that make sense?

You do not need your mother's permission to live your own life. She doesn't get to tell you when you can go to concerts. You are thirty years past that point in your life.

Can you live in a dorm? Have you applied for all the aid and loans you might be eligible for? As a college student you have access to a great benefit -- counselling. Please take advantage of that. You deserve emotional support for making the changes you need to make. See a counselor! Also go to the financial aid office and discuss your situation.

You need to get out of that abusive environment. If that means it takes you six more months to graduate, so be it. I don't understand what you mean about the time for becoming an RN has passed. When my aunt was widowed at age 60 she used the insurance money to go back to school for a nursing degree. Each winter quarter she lived in the dorm so she wouldn't have to drive from her home. She wanted it and she did it.

I'm glad other posters approached you with hugs. I know you deserve that. I am sympathetic, too. I'm thinking that MAYBE you also need a kick in the pants. I tried to supply it.

Let us know how things unfold for you. Each of us in our own way cares!
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Bermuda: Thank you for your advice. I will start to put money away. For now, I put some money away to go to a jazz concert on Saturday. This is a secret. If my mom knew she would make me feel guilty for going to a concert instead of giving her the money. I am 44 years old and divorced with no children. I was pregnant twice with twins but lost both of those pregnancies. I think I am the one with all the responsibility because I am the only one without a husband or children.
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Ismiami: I am working hard on finding somewhere to move. I live in a very expensive area. If I am to move into a place I can stay, I would have to live in Detroit, which is the number one crime city in America. I am working on leaving. As far as school goes, if I stay on course I will graduate in September of 2014 with a bachelors. I take accelerated classes (five weeks at a time). I also believe like you said that I need to live on my own, or she will never see me as anything but debt. The funny thing is that my brother makes 28.00 an hour but has child support for two children. She never bothers him about anything, not even dusting the house. She says she feels sorry for him. It is very hard to take when I am left with many things to do. I wish I had money now. After my dad died, my mom almost died two weeks later. I had to leave school to take care of her also. If those events had not happened, I would be earning $27.00 an hour working as a RN. As is, I can't be a RN now, the time for that has passed. I don't have the time to not work. I have switched my education to Health Care Admin. I wish she could see the effort and sacrifice.
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I am so sorry for your situation and hope you can get some relief soon. It is outrageous what some parents do to their children even as they are adults. They have no right. How old are you? How old is your mother? If you weren't there, could she drive and do her own shopping - basically are you meeting real needs or just being a free personal assistant for her? If real needs are involved, you can still walk away but you'll probably need to hook her up with the right agencies. I don't know if you are looking for advice but mine would be plan your get away - start putting a little money aside working a tiny bit more and rent an apartment with roommates and just leave. Your mother has lost all right to demand anymore dutiful service from you. I wish you well and hope the way out of this becomes clear soon.
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I suggest you drop to part time at school, attend year round, Continue to work full time. Get a cheap place with a studious or hard working roommate. It will take you longer to finish college but you will be in charge of your own life. Also, work on your personal health....maybe even look for a job in the industry you want to work in....look for tuition reimbursement.
Bottom line work on yourself.

My advise would be different if your mom was grateful or had dementia, but it just sounds like she is controlling.

Mom does not have dementia and can get around....she was on her own before you returned home and for whatever reason she lives with a 50 yr old who by your description does not contribute to society.

Unfortunately not all moms are maternal...not all daughter / mother relationships are positive. Do not be a victim in your own life, and do not keep increasing the "debt" int her eyes by continuing to live under her roof.

I have no doubt you work ad hard as you do, or that she is as unreasonable as you describe, but while you live in her house the situation will be defined by her.
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VStefans: Thank you for your answer. It has helped me to feel a little bit better. My mom and I had an argument today because she was mad at me for not helping her cook dinner when my brother, his wife, and their four kids showed up. I was so tired. I have asked her in the past to quit making these big dinners when they show up because it makes me to have to finish it and clean it up. I get no help from my brother or sister in law. This time I decided to not even enter the kitchen, not enable her. She got so mad that I did that, she told me today I was disrespectful and a user. I live in her house with her paying most of the bills and I won't even do what she asks, even if it is at the spur of the moment! I have had to change college classes, change educational paths because I have put my mom and dad ahead of me. I was supposed to be a nurse by now, but because of my mom's needs I had to quit nursing school. I told her today I cry almost every night because of the way she treats me and talks to me, she didn't care. It hurts so much.
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There is no easy answer here, and if there was you would have figured it out already...but I can tell you that Mom is wrong about you and her negative comments and hatefulness are not your fault and don't reflect who you really are. No one should have to work as hard as you are working and have a steady stream of toxic criticism dumped on them and just keep going indefinitely. And the heck with what other people think, your life and health are far more important than living up to expectations of people who have no idea what you are really feeling and going through. It's time for a family meeting and past time for you to get help for yourself, especially if you are suicidal!

Look, your mom, if she were in her right mind or at least being a loving mom, would not be oblivious to your suffering, would be proud of you for all you have done and are doing, and would be positively interested in you having a relationship that might bring along some grandchildren at some point. Maybe in times past she was a good mom, maybe not, but now she has limited capacity for empathy and is in the grip of her own mental illness manifested as hoarding...and that's related to OCD and yes, people often get hateful if limits are set on that behavior. You do not need to feel unworthy of help - of course your depression plus your moms constant negative feedback together would make you feel that way for sure - and you do not need to feel any shame in asking and trying to see that changes are made that mean your life is at least within the bounds of tolerance and not the way it is now.
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My mom has some memory lapse but not dementia. I grocery shop every week, clean every week (when she lets me because she either fights it happening or complains about noise). Believe it or not, she likes to cook and does it every day for dinner. I tell her not to, but she does it, hurts herself, and then blames me. My brother lives with us and he never does anything. When money gets low or I don't have time to grocery shop I bring my mom food for lunch. I also have to leave work to take her to many doctors appointments. I make 12.00 an hour so I can' t afford to hire someone for that.
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Hpy, what a rough spot to be in. Does mom have dementia? How much time do you spend caregiving? And that includes grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc, these are all caregiving tasks. I ask because you need to consider what it would cost to hire someone to do what you do. Do you really feel that living with mom is your only option? Caregivers in my area are paid about $12.00 per hour. I suspect you time pays for much more than food, car payment and insurance.
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