I moved home to change careers. Dad got sick & died of cancer. I left school to care for him. I am stuck at home getting help from my mom till I graduate. I'm back in school but mom hates me. I buy food, clean the house, do lots of things. Since I have been here, her health has deteriorated. We share a car and I don't have enough money to pay for groceries and the car. She complains that she has to make the car payment and insurance payment. I feel bad but until I finish school I am using 1/2 of my money to care for her and my almost 50 year old brother who lives there and does nothing. I tried to appease her by being home all the time, but I gained a lot of weight and now have Type 2 Diabetes. I have to go to a gym to workout to get the weight off. My mom did not give in to me going out until she saw how sick I got.
Still, if I go out with friends she feels I have no reason doing it because my time is better spent at home taking care of her and not using any extra money I have for clothes, entertainment, etc. When I am home, she won't allow me to clean the house as I want. She has become a hoarder. She fights with me even if I don't throw anything away. Her room is disgusting and I can't even get through it. If I try to clean her bathroom she yells and says mean things to me and tells me to get out.
She also cannot move around much, but whenever my brother and his wife come over with their kids, she begins to cook a huge meal and expects me to fall in line and help her or take over without anyone else's help. I work full time on my feet with a very physical job. I also go to school full time, and I have a business on the side of cleaning two offices. This is the only way I can afford gas when I buy groceries.
I'm stressed. I am only good as I was the day before. Each day I have to prove myself, do what she wants, or I am either deemed as disrespectful or unthankful. I have no life of my own, and just the thought of me having a love interest makes her extremely angry at me. I am so miserable and sad. At times I want to just end my life. I can't leave her because everyone will make me the bad guy, but living like this is worse than dying. I have 3 other brothers and sisters and I am the main one who does everything. I also have a syndrome that leaves me extremely tired. This along with the diabetes is very hard to deal with, but my mom only says how she has had it hard and I am younger and should have no problem doing what she asks. The truth is that I do.
I don't think there is an answer to any of this. I'm just venting.
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Look, your mom, if she were in her right mind or at least being a loving mom, would not be oblivious to your suffering, would be proud of you for all you have done and are doing, and would be positively interested in you having a relationship that might bring along some grandchildren at some point. Maybe in times past she was a good mom, maybe not, but now she has limited capacity for empathy and is in the grip of her own mental illness manifested as hoarding...and that's related to OCD and yes, people often get hateful if limits are set on that behavior. You do not need to feel unworthy of help - of course your depression plus your moms constant negative feedback together would make you feel that way for sure - and you do not need to feel any shame in asking and trying to see that changes are made that mean your life is at least within the bounds of tolerance and not the way it is now.
Bottom line work on yourself.
My advise would be different if your mom was grateful or had dementia, but it just sounds like she is controlling.
Mom does not have dementia and can get around....she was on her own before you returned home and for whatever reason she lives with a 50 yr old who by your description does not contribute to society.
Unfortunately not all moms are maternal...not all daughter / mother relationships are positive. Do not be a victim in your own life, and do not keep increasing the "debt" int her eyes by continuing to live under her roof.
I have no doubt you work ad hard as you do, or that she is as unreasonable as you describe, but while you live in her house the situation will be defined by her.
My post may seem kind of harsh. I'm sorry. Your reality right now is very harsh. It needs to change. You deserve it to change!
Mother deems you disrespectful .. and? So what? Her opinions about you are obviously not based in reality. If you leave, everyone will make you the bad guy. Really? Everyone? The instructors at your school? The people you work with? Or other members of your dysfunctional family? The situation is so bad that you think about ending your life, and yet you worry about what other people will think if you take action to improve it. Does that make sense?
You do not need your mother's permission to live your own life. She doesn't get to tell you when you can go to concerts. You are thirty years past that point in your life.
Can you live in a dorm? Have you applied for all the aid and loans you might be eligible for? As a college student you have access to a great benefit -- counselling. Please take advantage of that. You deserve emotional support for making the changes you need to make. See a counselor! Also go to the financial aid office and discuss your situation.
You need to get out of that abusive environment. If that means it takes you six more months to graduate, so be it. I don't understand what you mean about the time for becoming an RN has passed. When my aunt was widowed at age 60 she used the insurance money to go back to school for a nursing degree. Each winter quarter she lived in the dorm so she wouldn't have to drive from her home. She wanted it and she did it.
I'm glad other posters approached you with hugs. I know you deserve that. I am sympathetic, too. I'm thinking that MAYBE you also need a kick in the pants. I tried to supply it.
Let us know how things unfold for you. Each of us in our own way cares!
Mom will continue to cling to you like a leach and suck the life out of you. Continue to rant it helps a lot but be prepared for some suggestions you don't like. If you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen and as an alternative writing your rant in private may be more helpful
I wonder, too, if you might find it helpful to take a step back and think more clearly about what YOU would like to happen? I know how hard it is to see any way out when you feel as if you're surrounded by problems. Imagining where you would like to be, and what you would like to be doing, in a year's time, or five years' time, can give you a jump start and show you what problems to tackle in which order. I don't mean this unkindly, but you give the impression of a person who can't see the wood for the trees…
Remember, you can't solve everything all in one go. Little bits of progress would be great for your morale and help you deal better with the big things too. Good luck, keep us posted.
If you're in your 40s, I would presume your mom is in her 60s, which means she could be around (and making your life miserable) for 20 or 30 more years. My mom is 94. Do you want to live like that for the next 30 years? Even if you make more money, she's not going to want you to get out and date and have a life beyond taking care of her.
And if your mom is a hoarder, your life will be a living h*lll. I've watched Hoarders on TV for several years and those folks are a sad, sad lot. They're also very abusive and manipulative to anyone trying to get them to change their ways. You see that already with your mom. It won't get better, it will only get worse. Much, much worse.
The only information we have to go on is what you tell us. Jeanne Gibbs is one of the most reasonable, compassionate commenters on this whole site. If she sets you off, then I don't think you'll like what the rest of us have to say either. My advice would be to get out as soon as you can, but I don't think you want to hear that either. So maybe you just need to vent. Just tell us that and we'll listen. But if you want to really change your life, you're going to have to make some decisions that your mom (and your do-nothing siblings) won't like.
I plan on leaving my mom's house after I save enough to get my own place. My mom knows this. My other brother, his wife, and his family is going to move into my home and my lazy brother will move into my brothers condo. This way our home has room for my brother and his kids. My lazy brother needs to be on his own. This is all because my mom put up a ton of money to bring down my other brother's house payment so my lazy brother could move in and make the payments. This will occur soon. Once I move out, I will be close to check on my mom and make sure everything is ok.
I appreciate the constructive criticism I received here, but not the comments of Jeanne Gibbs. I don't care how she comes across to some of you, with the way I feel especially dealing with depression and anxiety, I don't need it. I'm sure she probably meant well, but don't tell me you will give me a "wake up call" when I am dealing with one. She made comments that were presumptuous. Ask first before you think you understand my situation. I can clarify. For the most part, I enjoyed the help I received on my question. Lots to think about and work on.