I've been taking care of my mother-in-law for four years now with my hubby. We were ask by my hubbys dad to move in and help them with bills and care for mom. After one and half years of living with them dad passed away. Mom is showing signs of dementia and we talked to her doctor but he wont get her tested and we tryed to get her to go see another doctor but she wont go. She is getting more aggressive with me and kids at home, falling down, forgeting thing, hoarding fridge items in her closet, hiding dishes and silverware, she doesnt eat hardly anything, cant drive, She doesnt pay her bills and we are constantly having to pay them for her. We tried to put her in a home but cant. Is their anything we can do because now she wants us to get out of the house. She doesnt get enough s.s. to pay half the bills at the house and without the doctors help im lost.
Why can't you put her in a nursing home?
Has she signed a Durable Power of Attorney to anyone?
Even though she may have dementia, she may still be competent to sign a Durable Power of Attorney. It would great if she would that, because if not, handling her affairs down the road is going to very difficult to do. Without that you may have to petition the court for guardianship which involves money, time and often hurt feelings. See an elder law attorney and get the Durable Power of Attorney appointing your husband, you or whoever is trustworthy to handle her affairs. If she won't sign it. Your hands are tied.
If you do get the DPOA signed, then I would strongly encourage her to see a doctor for anything at all that will get her in the door Say it's for a vaccination, insurance review, anything to get her in the door, because she could have a Urinary tract infection that is making her act strange. It could be anything. The doctor should know of the strange behavior. While she's there the doctor can casually ask her questions to determine if she needs assistance and exactly what she needs. If her doctor is not willing to explore this strange behavior, then there's something odd with him. This is common with elderly people. She needs his help.
What is your goal with regard to her care? Do you wish to continue living with her? If it is dementia, that behavior isn't likely to get better. It's a progressive condition and the patient needs more and more care. She may grow more and more resistant and hostile. Sometimes medications can help, but not always.
I would discuss future plans for where you all will live and you MIL's care with your husband. Oh, also, talk to the Elder Care attorney about the fact an adult child has lived in the home caring for his parent. That could be a factor if she is eligible for Medicaid and if she owns the house. If she does need placement in long term care down the road, she may need Medicaid to help cover the cost.
I wish you all the best. It sounds like this is a very stressful situation.
Do you take the opportunity to talk with him in private about what is really going on? I did that with my mother's doctor as her medical POA, but you can tell a doctor your information without a medical POA, he just want be allowed to discuss it.
How old is your MIL? Can she afford in home caregivers so that you and your family can move out into your own house and have a life?
Where is your husband in all of this? She's his mom and she should be his responsibility.
How old are the kids? That is really not a healthy environment for them to be in given the description of your MIL.
I'm sorry that you gave up your house and moved in with her because being her house, you don't have a lot of leverage because your in a rather dependent position. Sounds like she's glad to have her son back home, but no one else. Sick!
How exactly has your MIL been becoming more aggressive toward you and the four children? Are we talking about verbal abuse, physical abuse or threats of bodily harm?
Does your husband stand up to her for you and the children? Sorry, but I would not subject my wife and children to someone like her. How old are your children? To some degree, I'm surprise that you have not just taken the children and left.
How in the world did his dad put up with this woman's behavior and personality? Has she agree to signing the POAs? Does she understand what they are? What will will do if she refuses to sign the POA? I would have told dad, I'm not moving in with ya'll to take care of her without her giving us POA. How long has dad been dead?
Frankly, ya'll have been getting used since ya'll moved in with them 4 years ago. Ya'll did know this is how she is when you agreed to move it? Were their finances this bad when you moved in? Evidently, they weren't paying their own bills back then, if they needed you to move in so you could help them pay their bills.
Does your husband have any siblings or is he the only child?
It wouldn't hurt to have your local social services come in for an evaluation as to what services MIL is eligible for; her doctor can request this. There's a lot to be done but you have to figure out where to start so you and your husband can save your family.
His mother's love rules his life for he is more connected with her emotionally than he is to you. That is painful.
You are not alone. There are others who have lost their husbands to their moms because of such emotional attachment. Therapy can help, but only if the man is wiling to recognize that he has a problem and is very wiling to work on it. However, the older the man or woman who has this kind of problem is, the more difficult it is to be dealt with.
There is one story on this site in which the husband and wife are in therapy together trying to get free from his mom, but they are having a very difficult battle. I hope they make it and I commend her for standing by her man,but she also reached a point in their marriage where she told him it was either her or his mom.
I would imagine that you feel betrayed and that is very painful, but you have been betrayed. It's not your fault. There is nothing to feel guilty about. He's chosen another woman over you and that woman is his mom. Sick! Maybe a therapist could help you not only with your pain but also find someway to help your children.
Feel free to keep coming back and venting about all this as much as you want. We will listen.