Due to failing health, we made the decision after careful consideration to build on to our house and move in my 82 year old father in law and his 85 year old wife in with us. My husband was fortunate to take an early retirement and he would take care of them: Drive them to doctors appts, grocery shopping, physical therapy, etc. Well, four months later we are regretting it big time! At first, we thought that other family members would step up and take some of the load off (pick them up for the day, take them for lunch, or just run some errands with them) to give my hubby a break. But NO ONE wants to help, only calls once or twice a month. So disappointing! Never did we think it would be so stressful! My FIL is starting to show signs of Alzheimers. My step mother in law is also very forgetful. They need lots of supervision. Reasons too many to list on here...They also don't appreciate anything we do for them. My husband cooks all their meals, takes them anywhere they want to go, over sees their prescription drug and is literally at their beck and call. We have no privacy even though our house is quite large now. We are starting to feel taken advantage of. We took this on because we didn't want to have to put them in a retirement home and they didn't want to live in an apartment. They have a mobile home in Arizona but they are unable to care for themselves and there is no family there. My FIL is frail and if he falls his wife cannot pick him up and the nearest quality doctor/hospital is in Las Vegas an hour away.. My husband is being run ragged and stressed out..It is putting a huge strain on our marriage and I dont know anyway out without putting them in a home nearby...
Never did I ever think I would be so emotionally spent and physically tired and I am not even caring for my parents as they still live independently in their own home. I am tired from all the worry as their home is no longer elder proof, and they refuse to move into something easier to deal with. Tired of being in doctor waiting rooms. Tired of buying their groceries only to have my Mom say the fresh produce "taste funny". Etc.
jenodell123, I give your husband a lot of credit for wanting to do all that he does to care for his parents.... but now he probably feels like he has lost control of the situation. I had to drive my parents anywhere they wanted to go for the past 5 years, until this year when I finally put my foot down.... now will only drive if it is something urgent, like a doctor appointment, grocery, barber shop... not to a big box store so they can wander around for an hour and have only 1 or 2 things in their cart to buy. I now use an on-line grocery store home delivery or curb side pick-up, what a great time saver.
"They also don't appreciate anything we do for them." I don't pretend to understand this but it seems to be VERY common. Maybe showing appreciation would first mean they'd have to accept their own infirmaries and admit they need a lot of help from others. It doesn't seem to be personal, but, gosh, it feels that way, doesn't it?
Yes, hindsight is often 20/20. It is too bad you couldn't have had a 4-month trial before making permanent changes to the house, but it is what it is. Did you pay for the remodeling or did you use FIL's money?
Maybe the situation can be salvaged, at least for a while. Set boundaries, enforce limits, give up on expecting help from siblings and arrange for paid help (from your in-laws funds). Get respite care, so you and hubby can take vacations and have time to yourselves. 24/7/365 care for two people with failing health is incompatible with retaining your sanity!
Perhaps you can make this work a little more happily for a while. But I doubt it will be happy-ever-after. Dementia progresses. It gets worse. That is the nature of that hideous condition. It is likely that you are either going to need increasing in-home care, or for them to move into a care center with three shifts of staff to look after them.
Spend some time reading on this site and learn the next big hurdle is to make plans BEFORE it's an emergency situation. Get them into assisted living with an attached memory care unit, so they can move there when it's necessary. Or start bringing in outside help if you're determined to keep them in your home. But read through the posts on this site about people taking care of loved ones 24/7 with Alzheimers. That's enough to scare the heck out of you, particularly if you have two people to deal with.