I'm mad at myself once again today, after an afternoon of shopping with my 80-year-old Mom (recently diagnosed and being treated for mild dementia). She was having a bad day herself, because she also suffers from aphasia (the inability to find the words you need to communicate) and was having a horrible time trying to explain to the saleslady what she was looking for. I usually take a step back, because I've been told that being supportive is better than taking over, which is my nature. I should probably also mention that I am not a shopper myself, I've never understood the need to try oodles of things on and compare every last detail of a garment before deciding on something. But my Mom has always loved shopping, so it's something we do often now at her request. After three hours of trying on dozens of items in several stores, I noticed that my Mom was simply unable to make a decision. This might be a new symptom of her dementia, or it might just be her nature - since I became her full-time caregiver, I have to keep reminding myself that I am dealing both with a person who is changing, and with a parent that I am getting to know all over again. Mom and I never shopped together before this! In any case, my impatience spilled over a few times, with my voice getting edgy (if it's not comfortable, Mom, just put it aside and try the next one!), which ended in her feeling rushed, which was not at all what I intended. I apologized immediately and said - Let's take all the time you need! But the damage was done and she insisted on going home at that point. I feel like a horrible person. And I know that these moments come and go, and that our love is unconditional, and that I can't be too hard on myself. I know all these things! I just wish that I could learn a way to be more compassionate and more patient.... any tips from other Type A caregivers??
I think perhaps your mother's shopping trips might be (a) pleasurable because it's a chance to get out of her environment (b) see what's new in the world and (c) and make decisions. For her it might be respite, like we might go to a museum or library.
So it's more than just a trip - it's a real excursion.
Sometimes if I see that shopping or whatever isn't going well, I suggest a detour to one of our favorite places - the Dairy Queen. A DQ blizzard or peanut buster parfait always seems to make the world right again.
So the next time either of you get frustrated, maybe you can suggest stopping for coffee, lemonade, or whatever will allow you both to just sit down and concentrate on eating....a change of pace. Or do something that doesn't require any decision making. When the holidays coming up, driving around to look at decorations is always relaxing.
The only time I've seen this NOT happen is in man caves. Buying something goes really quickly; I'm the one trying to figure out the best choice! Jeez, all those screws...all those nails...which do I really need?
I too have lost patient and become short, then become angry with myself. I try now to mentally move first into reality check mode, remembering that older minds don't think as quickly, that there are probably a myriad of considerations to consider, and that if the wrong choice is made, nothing much can be done until I'm back available to take the stuff back to the store.
I can easily run back to the store for an exchange; not so my parent, who waits on my pumpkin to turn into his chariot so he can get out of the house.
If I get too impatient, I wander away to other aisles. Moving from a closet supply aisle to the plumbing aisle tends to numb my brain as I look at all the fixtures, then I realize how much time it takes me to decide when I don't know what I'm going.
I would reexamine the time limit for shopping. The dementia certainly limits mom's time to focus and not get overly tired. I might set the deadline for one hour and then see how that goes. Better to end up well rested and wanting more than over staying and getting worn out. It's the quality that counts, not how long you spend shopping.
When I find my frustration and stress rising, have a couple of methods to decompress: I will excuse myself for 5 minutes (my "smoke break" I call it)...go to more private area and take a couple of deep breaths to help me relax & clear the stress thoughts. Then I go back to it with a smile on my face. It sounds ineffectual, but it does work.
The other thing I do is look at my parent and put a picture in my mind of a happy time with them....Mama in the backyard on a fall day hanging clothes on the clothesline while I chased a frog when I was 4,,,,Papa walking through the door after work, his long chain of keys jingling on his belt - I would run to the door to meet him.....I feel an overwhelming sense of the love & comfort I felt for/with them as their little girl. That feeling helps me to let go of the stress and relax with compassion and a "whatever it takes for you" attitude and then I just go with the flow.
This is a hard phase of life for our parents and for us as the caregiving children. Kind of a role reversal. Give yourself credit for the good things you do for your Mom and forgive yourself for the moments when you were less than perfect.
Hang in there, sweetie!