How I am starting a "new" relationship with my "old" mother.
Many of you dear people have kindly followed my drama with mama.
Mother wanted a 2nd unnecessary hip surgery, I have 3/5 sibs who are completely uninterested in helping out...mother lives with brother and his family---she's a bit of a pill to deal with--we're up to date, right?
Anyhow---the first week of Dec. we had a huge blowout and Mother told me to get out of her life. I took her at her word and didn't talk to her (except for one 10 minute exchange when I had to buy something for her friend) since then--so more than 2 months have gone by.
As I had been going to her place minimally 2-3 times a week and cleaning for her, I had stopped that, didn't call and let myself "heal" from the hurt. I did hear, via the family grapevine, that she was wondering why I was being so distant. Duh. She knew.
I knew I'd not let this go forever, but I needed to get MY head straight about our relationship. After a couple of months, a few therapy sessions where we focused on working on a healthy relationship where I didn't let her hurt/use me, I ran by her place for a while on Monday. She was happy to see me, she behaved and said nothing inflammatory or mean. I left my coat on and she "got" that I wasn't there to clean or do anything but have a very short chat.
We didn't talk about anything of importance, I didn't bring up anything about her health. I did notice that she has seemingly lost the ability to find the words she wants to use, and I do not know if this is new. Having not seen her for a couple of months made me look at her in a different light.
She was denied any further surgeries and referred out for PT (she won't go) and for palliative care (she won't go). She seemed to be pain free, where 2 months ago all you'd hear was complaints about how much pain she was in.
She did say her place was getting filthy and I kind of ignored her. (My niece has been being paid for the last 3 years to clean and since I was already doing it, she didn't really learn what to do---now she has to). I didn't take out the recycling or fuss at her about tripping hazards in the halls. Just chatted. Then I left.
It felt very good to leave without the heaviness in my chest of having made her angry or having to listen to her woes. I didn't stay long enough to get into anything deep. This is the "new relationship"--the old one is done.
Felt good. I did not have to "walk away". I can still have some kind of relationship with her, I just have to be tough with myself and not stay too long or try to clean her place or have an opinion that's different from hers.
I think it might be OK. Actually, this is huge. Until I stepped away (and we did talk as sibs about getting her in home care for PT, paying for a REAL cleaning lady, and possibly some aides to take her places)....I had not realized how my anger and frustration were eating me alive.
Also, I realized that my sibs are NEVER going to really step it up. End of story there. I do feel better about it all--I always have hated conflict and now I think I can control having any more with her.
Other sibs are aware they need to step up. No excuses. They will or they won't. Brother she lives with is aware there is money for her in-home care and also for a weekly maid service of which she really should avail herself. She won't, but I am not cleaning any more. I'm going to be like the other sibs, do what I feel is necessary and nothing more. She doesn't appreciate me nor care and nothing will change THAT.
I appreciate y'all for the emotional support!