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I've been here since 2009.


I've seen a continued problem of marital breakdown because the spouse is more emotionally "enmeshed, emotionally married to, or emotionally attached" to their parent than they are to who they are married to.


This is not right.


Nor can it be whisked away by saying 'oh, spouses come and go, but you only have one mom or one dad.'


Don't complain about younger people having throw away marriages when I see grown-ups doing the same thing.


I've had to deal with this in real life and it's not a beautiful picture!

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I've never known anyone to treat their spouse as disposable in place of a parent, but emotionally mature people understand the "for better or for worse" part of marriage, and sometimes that means the spouse is on the back burner for a while.
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I'm glad that you never have known one. We exist. Some people have very unhealthy definitions of being "on the back burner for a while" which ends up being a self-serving spin. I've seen other back burner situations like raising children, which is normal, but the 2 stop dating each other and working on their relationship which in turn means no relationship when the nest is empty. I'm sure that you have seen that?
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Yoda, I've never been married so can't relate that much. I've seen what you and others have been through, though, and it looks worse to me somehow than going through a divorce or split. It seems very lonely to be married yet emotionally (and other ways) abandoned by your spouse. To me, if the emotional priority is the parent's needs, then it's a form of being abandoned. And not just abandoned, but for their parent, where if you protest then you're the bad guy. I hope you're doing alright and come back around to the Dysfunctional thread once in awhile.

I'm sure you'll get some responses from others in the same boat. Nice to see you back here today!
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You never met one? You responded to the lady whose husband and children are upset with her abandoning them. She's on her way to throwing her marriage and children away. They are in their rooms and he is not coming home straight from work. That change in behavior is a red flag.
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Ali,

THanks for your very empathetic and compassionate response. Such abandonment feels like an affair. It is and with her mom. Therapists call this covert emotional incest, but most call it being enmeshed.

This sort of abandonment does open the doors for various temptations.

I am ok, but using BIPAP now.
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I once laid in a hospital alone and not fully able to advocate for myself while DH assisted his mother with a family matter. Granted, what was going on with MIL was indeed VERY serious/unexpected and I don't want to diminish that. DH was being pulled in multiple directions and crisis management is not his strong suit to begin with.... It was a bad situation for all of us. I was terrified at being alone in the hosp while I could see/hear my care decisions being made around me and I would not have adequate input. I needed DH there and he wasn't. DH is not an only child, but MIL had to have my DH with her on HER journey (again, I do agree that it was serious) and I was left alone. My care was compromised to some degree and the emotional toll was great. The stress on the marriage was immeasurable. I think I dealt with it as well as one can until DH mentioned that he'd taken MIL to lunch because they were tired/stressed/hungry and "had to eat." I could not tolerate the notion of MIL and DH presumably having a cocktail while I laid in the hosp? At that point, MIL always had food at her house. Drop her off, make a PBJ, put it in your coat pocket, and get back to the hosp to help your wife. He showed up when he showed up and expected my understanding. I was so sick that I could really only understand it to a point... and I continue to struggle with this. Yes, spouses do take a back seat sometimes - and it was in my own time of need. Scary.
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Mystery,

I am so sorry to hear this.
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I lost my relationship. Father in Law moved in with us because we took H’s mother in when diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. FIL never moved out. He was narcissistic. I did his laundry, cooked his meals and he NEVER said thank you. It was expected. He completely invaded privacy. Talked about himself every night at dinner. Did no house chores, just brought in the mail and went through it all. My H ( now ex) would spend so much time after dinner talking with him about this and that. I was no longer a priority in my relationship. When his father did inappropriate things, like ask me to pretend to be his wife, or peek in on me through bedroom window from outside back lanai, or make very inappropriate comments, or walk around with a pair of my panties , my H always had an excuse for his father. Oh, he’s just joking. You know he is awkward. I was so devalued and disrespected. I also resented that I had to buy all this mans groceries, clothes, dry cleaning when he had the financial means to do so. I was financially used. And I do blame my ex H for allowing this. I always wanted to be so kind but in the 4 years this man hijacked my life, H , I left. I also started seeing a therapist in the last year which was so very helpful. I learned about narcissistic traits and behaviors. My H did not have the capacity to address his father. He was always the golden boy. His dad was so abusive to his mother when she was living including hitting her. In the earlier years of the old man living with us I thought it was me that just wasn’t patient enough. I cried so much and had NO understanding from my H. Fast forward 4 years. I finally moved out. It wasn’t solely because of fil, I had a narcissistic H as well. He valued his dads money, well, interestingly enough, as soon as I move out he puts his dad in assisted living. Anyway, we did try to reconcile but I can’t live with a manipulative gaslighting narcissist and all those behaviors really came out strong when his father, who he is a chip off the old block, moved in with us. It was the beginning of 4 years of hell. Working with a therapist helped me. My gosh, you can’t believe there are such scary people out there. So to answer your question, yes caregiving did break my relationship but it brought so many things to light. Ultimately I had a narcissistic H who, triangulated, has dysfunctional family ( enmeshment issues) and always believed I was the problem. This forum helped me cope with the issues of having an elderly move in along with a therapist who tri
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Mysteryshopper, 
Thank you for your post. I had a similar experience as yours recently. 
I'm not ready to give up my marriage at this point in time.  
I draw comfort and strength from reading online about others' experience, to keep reminding myself that "people far better than me have had it far worse than me"...
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