Hello all, I'm looking for some kind of emotional support, I guess. My husbands mom moved in with us about a year ago. Inside, I was screaming NO NO NO, but I went against my intuition and half heartedly agreed to let her move in. Also, I was 9 months pregnant & went into labor the weekend she moved in w us. I had a feeling, before she moved in, that she was mentally declining & that she wouldn't be able to move out because she would be less & less able to take care of herself. Now, a year later, she displays ALL of the signs associated with dementia, but my husband insists that she doesn't have dementia and won't listen to my pleas to accept that she has dementia. She hasn't been to the doctor, mainly because she used to be addicted to pain pills and we don't want her having access to asking for pain pills. She doesn't brush her hair anymore; doesn't speak the right words; chokes on a daily basis (trouble swallowing); can't smell food cooking in the kitchen; has a hard time deciphering what people are saying to her (confused all the time); can't remember in short term and is starting to lose long term memory; doesn't know how to do housework (but she was a real pro at cleaning a few years back); shuffles when she walks & LOTS of depression. Im going crazy. I have a one year old and I need help from my husband, but he uses all his energy arguing with his mom about how come she doesn't know how to do stuff anymore. When I bring up dementia, he says she is just in the grip of fear & uses her "good days" to justify why she is fine. I am at my wits end. :( anyone have any words of encouragement or been through so much denial? I just need to communicate with people who listen to me.....I'm pretty miserable being stuck in the middle of all this.... :( thanks in advance for any words of support....
Let your husband know there are other things than dementia that may be going on - heck, she could even have untreated diabetes. But you'll only know after an extensive physical workup. Good luck and keep us posted!!
It's really hard to wrap your head around your parent losing themselves...he's just having trouble with this, but he'll get there. I still remember the day I saw my dad pick up a pen to draw, and not be able to. You gradually accept this, but it still stinks.
You can make a good plan based on the info in this site. Ask lots of questions.
Joyful, honey, I say this as an old married lady with two teenagers and a truckload of family drama behind me including both my mother and mother in law living with us for different periods of time.... You have GOT to take charge of this.
Nothing is going to change until you make it happen. This is your job now as the active mother on duty in the family.
Maybe your husband is blind to the problem because he's punishing her in a way.
He needs to work on his issues or they are going to slop over into his parenting and your marriage. But, if he won't, you need a plan B. For a brief time when the babies were little, my husband also didn't believe I knew anything and all information had to come from "experts". I cured him of that with a very plain and simple to understand conversation where I clarified exactly who knows best for our babies, and where he was welcome to put any other ideas. After I straightened him out, it was never a problem again.
I'm not there, and we don't know each other, but please know that you have every right to put your foot down and demand this woman be put in care.
Hades would freeze over and Beelzebub would turn blue before I'd let a dementia patient within 20 feet of my new baby. Living with - that's a non starter. Nope. No way, too bad.
The doctor can help you out in different ways here. He can write orders for help to come into the house for mom, relieving you. He can sit your husband down and have a man to man talk with him about where mom needs to be and what it's doing to you. Your husband needs to rise to the occasion here, and do what needs to be done.
If I were in your shoes, I would have had a very ugly, very snotty and tear filled nervous break down before now.
If you really, really, really want this to get better you need to take action.
1. Get the doctor involved ASAP. Let him be the one to explain to your husband.
2. Establish your boundaries as the Mother. The Mother. Find your inner mother bear. She's there. Don't wait for an emergency or accident.
3. Get help into the house. MIL's medicare insurance will pay. This is not your expense.
Keep checking back in and let us know how it's going.
If your husband is acting this way with his mother, will he doing to the same thing to his child?